Staying posifrickentive - Thread 7 for ladies pregnant after mc

[Metalhead]

New thread for all the lovely ladies facing the trials and tribulations of pregnancy after mc!

Welcome to everyone joining. You will definitely get so much support on here I could not of got through the early stages without these guys. Really hope you have a stress free pregnancy.

He sounds like a right kn*b to me. And as for his mum she should be so ashamed. I thought my ex DH was a waste of space but yours takes it to a new level. How can a husband watch his wife struggle like this? I mean what is he going to do when LO is here? Sounds to me Hun that your already looking after a child. Even my ex wouldn't cook himself something and not me. I'd take cats with you as Sunday has said you can't live your life like this. Can you call you mum and get some support Hun I mean we will support you as much as we can but there's no one like your mum. Sounds like you really need a shoulder to cry on. As you go to get your dinner or something accidentally smash his controller against the wall say oh well it's about time you become a man. Or even better kick him out tell him to go stay with his mum sounds like that's where he is best suited then ask your mum to come stay with you for a little while. Again so sorry his acting like this some people do change when their partners are pregnant. Big hugs Hun xxx

paws sorry your DH is being a complete knob. I agree can you get him to run home to mummy for a bit so you can sort yourself out with your mum's help? He is clearly not going to step up to help so is better off out the way. I'm assuming he isn't always like this? Sending lots of hugs but you need some RL help too and it doesn't sound like he's about to provide it

Welcome new people and congratulations. The fretters bench is busy so feel free to join us - we're all in the same boat. I'm on my AN thread too but don't use it much as I don't want to scare everyone!

Thanks for your support guys, mums coming up with some shopping and to help me clean...im hoping he'll feel quite embarrassed by just sitting there and watching us do it...the thing is, once she's gone he'll kick off big time. He's not always like this, just every once in a while he'll act like this because 'ive made him and its my fault'
They just don't have a clue what it's like to be pg, considering I've not long lost two of his babies, you would think he might care just a little bit that I'm finding this pregnancy hard/painful. But any pain I mention he has to match with his bad back! Don't get me wrong, he does have a dics bulge and has not long had a nerve root block injection....so yes, he is in pain most days. But I've been pregnant for over a whole year now, with a few weeks off here and there...which is why my physio said my pelvis has had enough! When I've been crying in pain, his response is "clearly you can't handle being pg, so you shouldn't have any more after this"

I don't want to leave, its my tenancy, but if I asked him to go so I could have some space, he immediately says "its over" buggers off to mummys for a couple of days, then comes back and stands there asking if I have anything to say....well no I don't, because you don't understand what I have to say, which is nothing I haven't already said before!!!
Honestly, if he continues to have these phases, I can't deal with them once our little Samuel is here. I'm certainly not going to let him grow up thinking that's how men should treat women.

I guess I can only hope, becoming a father changes him, its all I've got to cling on to atm xxx

paws dh sounds like his being a right arse! When I was pregnant with dd, our first, dh was a bit of a numpty most of the time. He used to be a bit of a mummy's boy and his mummy was very involved in our lives which didn't make for a pleasent pregnancy... I had a relitively smooth pregnancy with her but he did struggle to understand I couldn't do everything I had done before and felt very hard done by having the pick up the slack. Also got very frustrated when I was slowing down towards the end, used to rush across the road and huff and puff as he waited for me to catch up.

But having dd really did make him grow up. It took time but in his two weeks off his attitude towards what his role as a man/husband/father should be changed compltetly. Where as before doing anything 'domestic' for himself was seen as helping me out he steped up to become an equal patner and contributor to the house. He also majorly broke away from his mum's influance which was causing most of his attitude problems. That caused other problems in itself as she was very unhappy from him going from calling her about every little thing to him waiting for her to make the effort (he went 6 weeks at one point as he didn't want to ring up to be told how 'good' he was to do anything with dd, or cook a meal or wash up). His dad's sort of unwell at the moment so his making the effort to call a couple of times a week to see how his doing but usually he speaks to her every 10 or so days and while she's inivted up once most weeks we tend to see her all together every 3 weeks.

This time around his been amazing. He was a bit detached to begin with as our heads were both a mess from the mc which wiped me out physically and emotionally and then I fell in wtf cycle and had a couple of trips to epu for spotting. But since I mc he steped up and took on all the housework, dd's care while his home, and most of the household organisation. I was really sick and exhausted and spent most of the first 12 weeks knocked out on the sofa! His been a saint, letting me sleep in even when I've slept better than him, not complaining (very rarely) about litterally doing eveything despite me being a sahm since dd was born (not been mentioned once, just my issue with feeling guilty). He gets that I can't do things and will be slower and need to rest etc. Best thing is watching him roll his eyes when his mum tells him not to do it and how I should be muddeling through!

Sounds like you're very grounded and know what you need to do if he doesn't step up once samule is born! Not that you should have to put up with it now.

Oh and if my mum or dad ever come over to help out with anything rather than watching them he jumps up to help and is incredably greatful for anything they do.

Hope everyone is well on the fretters bench and there's smooth sailing ahead for you all.

Fast approching 37 weeks here (wednesday) and feeling like I'm in some strange sort of limbo. Wrote birth plan with midwife on thursday, which was rather sereal after months of worrying we'd never get to that stage and up until last week resigning myself to the idea of a repeate elcs. Now feel like I'm mentally back to where I was when we were trying ttc again, symptom spotting for ovulation and in the two week wait, now looking for signs of bump engaging more and early labour. Can turn everything into a potential sysmptom again! Sort of like coming full circle.

Wow dobby thanks for your post! Its nice to know that some men change for the better...AND that he is not the only mummys boy! She's a nice woman, but if its not him phoning her to give her running commentary on what he's done that day even to the point of his bowel movement, then its her phoning him for any reason she can think of! It drives me bat shit crazy, even if we come out from an appointment somewhere, we get in the car, and the first thing he does is dial 'mums mob' on the car phone to fill her in!
My mum and her partner turned up with food, chocolate, and to help clean the place up...he simply got up from sleeping on the sofa and went out in his car...awaiting his return from what is obviously mummys...i dare say he's had his head filled with some sort of shit about how I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and how amazing he is compared to me (I feel your pain)

Thing is, he has kids from his first ever relationship of 13 years, and he knows the drill...difference is, this time round he's here for the whole gritty experience (he was always away severing for months at a time the first time round)
In his words he can't wait to have a second chance at being a proper dad, which I'm certain he will be brilliant as he is deep down a loving caring man, but his attitude towards me really concerns me, because if that doesn't change then he won't be around 'all' the time to be that 'full time dad' because he certainly won't be living with me. Its just so hard to draw a line and stand by it when you're clouded by how much you love someone and 'really want' it to work. But as I have said, lo cant grow up thinking that's how to speak to and treat a woman.
Unfortunately its very clear why he thinks its acceptable, he talks to his mum like shit too and she just takes it, never corrects him or anything, just puts up with it...and there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would tolerate such an attitude from my future son. Children live what they learn, and sadly he's learnt his behaviour from mummy!

Don't get me wrong, my dh has moments that remind me why I love him, and most days he does the majority of the housework (I do what i can depending on my level of pain)
Its just when he has these phases, its always some majorly blown out song and dance that takes days to overcome, by song and dance I mean taking back my wedding ring, saying it's over etc etc.....of course these events never end in him taking any responsibility for the way things are between us, its ALWAYS my fault, including the way he speaks to me, that's usually my fault too apparently

Brilliant that your dh is doing his bit though hun, he sounds great! 37 weeks too! WOW the tww (three week wait) is here! Bring on the symptom spotting

Xxx

*meant to say 'serving away' not 'severing'

Don't think 10 years in the army has done him any favours either tbh, they turn you into this hard emotionally impenetrable vessel...

Really hope his able to step up for you both paws. If he doesn't Samule already has an amazingly strong mum! The millitary conection really recinates with me; my dad's family had a big military back ground and his twin served all of his adult working life in the navey. He was away for most of his daughters' childhoods and treated his wife as a subordinant the higher he climbed up the ranks. He does have a new family now, although we aren't in contact with him as he just cut ties with everyone conected to his old life after walking out on his first wife. From what his daughters have seen of him from a far his now a stay at home dad to 2 young children and treats his new wife with respect. My grandma and grandpa were military too, nursing and police, and really were emotionally impenetrable vessels.

My dh used to do the same with his mum, he'd call her before we went into an appointment when I was pregnant with dd and would be calling her as we walked out of the appointment to tell her everything. He actually wanted her to come along at some points too! Last night we had a chat about what's going to happen if and when I go into labour; he in no way shape or form wants to call his mum when that happens and said that it can wait until we are home or well settled in at hospital.

That's good dobby, good that he's learnt to detach his mum from your relationship
I remember very clearly his mum taking us to a few of our scans with baby/mc no.1...at one appointment she came to the waiting room with us rather than sit in the car, when they called us in to the scan room at epu, dh said "oh she can come in cant she?" I felt immediately put on the spot and just said yes...
We went in, I had to strip down to being naked on bottom half (as I'm sure all of us know) and she didn't even offer to leave the room or stand over the other side while I took everything off! They then done my 4th tv scan and broke the news that I had only grown a 4mm pole with no hb at 9 weeks gestation. I fell apart on the bed and broke down into floods of tears. All the while she was stood there.
I then had to pull my knickers and trousers up sniffeling and howling like some distraught animal in pain....and the whole way home neither of them could understand why I was so upset. 1 I felt belittled and humiliated, and 2 I had pretty much been told its game over for that pregnancy. Yet they both kept saying "at least there was growth, you've probably got your dates wrong" I knew it was a mc...i had known from scan no.2, but I had clung on to the smallest piece of hope, trying to convince myself at each scan that I would finally see a heartbeat and not just a growing empty sac!
Took two more scans to confirm mmc, and a total of 11 weeks to find out that our baby wasn't growing....

Any ways, he didn't come back last night, came storming through the door this morning, packed his things and left....didn't say a word to me. He did txt me last night of course to tell me how selfish I was to have people come over whilst he was trying to sleep, apparently, I'm all me me me and all about my pain, and that I don't consider his pain. But I knew that message was coming.
I do consider his pain, but obviously I'm selfish for having a difficult pregnancy and am not entitled to be in any pain myself. God forbid the attention should be taken away from him!

Dobby glad to hear your DH is being so lovely and turned it around so well. There is hope for men!! Not long to go now. Have you packed your bag?

paws I'm so sorry he's treating you like this. Please don't let him come back and make you take the blame. I hope having your baby gives him the wake up call he needs but you sound switched on and know what you want for your son if he doesn't. Glad your mum is looking after you too xx

Has anyone else found telling family really emotional? We told parents last night, and I told my brother and sister today and it's made me feel really vulnerable and more scared of something going wrong. I can't stop myself looking up percentage risks for abnormalities and late miscarriages and still births :( I know it's 99% going to be ok, but I am a natural pessimist so I always imagine I'll be that 1%.

paws I'm so sorry to hear about DH treating you like this. And him inviting his mother into the EPU room sounds horrific!! I get on okay with my MIL but there is no way I would be happy with her attending any appointments but to an EPU appointment at your most vulnerable is not on. I hope he comes around, I think it is a hard time as men don't seem to understand the toll even a healthy pregnancy takes on the body let alone other factors like SPD. When our DS was first born my DP took a lot of 'moulding' to understand that DS would now take up most of my time so he would need to contribute to housekeeping/cooking etc. He is a changed man now so it can happen!

Sophia I feel the same, I have told my parents and my DM is forever asking after me and talking about 'when the baby comes' she was talking about how she will need a 5 seater if we all go out together etc. And it just makes me cringe inside as I can't bring myself to consider that far ahead yet. We can only think positive and hope for the best!!

Sophia, I got really emotional telling my boss the other day (had to tell him early as I've got appts with midwife and EPAU coming up)

I was a bit emotional telling parents - I did it over the phone this time not face to face as I didn't want to get all upset. I keep trying to take it week by week and not get too far ahead of myself at the mo.

Paws sorry to hear your DH isn't being very considerate. Hopefully he'll come around soon! The EPAU experience sounds horrific 😳

I found it quite difficult to tell people too, especially my parents as they are real planners who keep asking us where the baby will sleep, will we buy a car, they "assume" they will come up and stay when the baby is born?! Arrghh! We put off some of it by not telling anyone til 12 weeks, then saying we weren't making any plans until the 20 week scan but now that's come back fine we'll just have to say we are taking each day as it comes!

I'm overanalysing everything at the moment too - my hips are killing me now, boobs are sore and I've had a headache on and off for about 3 days. This time I've been getting an achy neck too (not shoulder) but these aches and pains are stressing me out a bit.

I'm wishing every day away at the moment til I know that I'm pass the point I mc'd at last time...

Paws that sounds tough :( hope he comes round

paws really hope things are better after the weekend Hun. Hope your feeling better as well. Xx

The fretting bench is awful especially as we're all so anxious. We don't have a bump we can't feel baby it's to early to buy a Doppler to check heartbeat it just don't seem real. I am hoping these next few weeks go quickly for us all.

Hope everyone has a good day. I'm so tired LO had me up since 4 my niece came out in chickenpox last night and she's been staying with us all weekend and my youngest has not had chickenpox yet. Still no spots but can't see her getting away with it.

keys hope she doesn't get it too badly. Get the oat baths and piriton ready! Can you try to get a nap in sometime today?

paws been thinking of you. I hope you're doing ok

I have my booking in today. I know it won't be exciting and not really a milestone as mc the day before booking in the first time and 3 weeks after the second but I am hoping they will offer me an early scan. I only filled in my pregnancy notes last night as I didn't want to jinx it - I've already thrown 2 lots in the bin . On the plus side I've had lots of pain under my ribs which I think is every thing being pushed up so fingers crossed something is growing!!

Have a good day everyone.

No chance Hun I have my 12 week scan today got to travel to London for it. So it's go go go.

Good luck with your booking appointment today makes it more official :) defy good sign abut pain in ribs as well that is a sign baby's shuffling up.

Xx

The same happened to me also Hun my booking appointment last time my mc had already happened and I didn't even know until a week later so I know what you mean about not feeling excited. However you have got lots of signs everything is fine xxx

Good luck with your scan today keys!

Hope all goes well and you get some good pictures x

keys good luck with your scan. Fingers crossed all is ok.

No early scan for me as I have 'only' had 2 mc however she has written a note to ask for my 12 week scan to be as early as possible so hopefully I won't be waiting until 14 weeks for it. She even managed to get blood it of me so I'll class it as a success!

How are you today paws?

Good luck to everyone having booking appointments and scans today :-)

Hope you're doing ok paws You sound like one tough cookie who can do this with or without him x

Thanks for well wishes guys scan went really well and see baby and the heartbeat :) however need to go back in 10 days as baby is measuring 11+1 and not 12 weeks so they could not check for downs. They took my blood though so not looking forward to that again. Baby was always small though so I must of got my dates wrong by a few days.
It has been announced now I just wanted to see a fully formed bean and the the heartbeat so I feel extremely positive now just a pain in the backside I have got to go back. At least I get to see baby again..I will deffo be 12+4 by then. But she said nothing to worry about baby is perfect.

Yippee! Congratulations Keys!