Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Depressed about sex of unborn baby

258 replies

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 14:46

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Crunchie · 22/03/2004 14:55

THANK YOU SOUPY I AM WITH YOU ON THIS ONE!!!

I was really upset when I found out DD2 was going to be a girl, looking back I am glad I found out before she was born as I did 'grieve' in a strange way for the boy I had convinced myself I was getting. Of course I put a brave face onto it, but I did cry.

As it turns out DD2 is my heart, I also hate to admit but she is my favourite (another mummy crime) and I couldn't imagine life without her. But this only happened after she was born.

I am vaugely thinking about having another, but I am worried, I want a boy - does this make me shallow, probably - but I can't gaurentee a boy, so I am not sure whether to have a 3rd child. I also know I wouldn't even contemplate having a third if DD2 had been a boy.

So yes I am shallow, yes others have it far worse than me, I know this but it doesn't make me a worse person. I don't need to wait for the 'wake up' call of real life and not getting what I want. It is not the point. Normally MN doesn't make me that cross, but this thread really does. I am sorry Jimjams I know you have things bad as do others, but forgive me my emotions as they are also valid and REAL to me.

Think about it, if this thread had been started by Nutty friend, and she was upset anbout not expecting a boy, would you all have posted like you did? I hope not. There are others here who do/did feel this, and yet our feelings seem to be trivalised as we don't know the meaning of life, and at least we had healthy babies. That wasn't in question, but I prefer to be b***y shallow rather than pompous and self rightious as some of these posts have been. Please forgive me for being personal, I am not getting at anyone particular I am sorry -

Crunchie · 22/03/2004 14:59

Taken me a while to write that thread and it has moved on, I am sorry to rant - I usually don't !

handlemecarefully · 22/03/2004 14:59

Soupy,

You're not shallow, nor were your feelings at the time invalid

Agree that the lady is question will sure enough "get over it", but also think that she deserves empathy and understanding as much as the next person.

katierocket · 22/03/2004 15:00

hmb that is SO weird, I was just about to post a note about how during the gulf war I used to always think about your DH (IFYKWIM!!) because I remember your posts about his work on those 'is the war right or wrong?' threads.

Is he still working?

Chandra · 22/03/2004 15:00

ahem...

Tinker · 22/03/2004 15:03

I do like your posts Crunchie.

hmb · 22/03/2004 15:04

Yes, he is amazing. I'm the one that is cracking up, again! He was the same the last time he had cancer. He was still working in between bouts of chemotherapy. He went back to work 2 weeks after his surgery. He is is such a good man, and life is just so bloody unfair.

In 16 years of marage we have has a m/c followed by a year of treatment for problems cause by m/g- infertility. Cancer, pancreatitis, 2 wars (3 if you count Afghanistan) and now leukemia. IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S TURN.

Crunchie · 22/03/2004 15:04

I'm on a roll today Tinker!!

Beety · 22/03/2004 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

katierocket · 22/03/2004 15:06

oh hmb that's S* In a way I suppose if he likes the job it's something to channel into.

(chandra ?)

hmb · 22/03/2004 15:06

Well, fuck me so I'm pompous as well am I? Who gives a shit. I've go more than that to worry about.

dinosaur · 22/03/2004 15:11

Look things just seem to be getting out of hand on here and someone will get hurt.

It seems that some mumsnetters can empathise with nutcracker's friend's sister because they have been in a similar situation where they were disappointed when they found out they were having a child of one sex or the other. Others can't, either because they have just never been bothered about what sex of child they have or are going to have, or they might once have been bothered about it but other things that have happened to them in their lives since then have made such considerations take a backseat.

Please let's not start dissing each other personally.

Crunchie · 22/03/2004 15:11

hmb No no no I didn't mean you or anyone in particular - oh c**p I knew I would upset someone and I didn't re-read what I wrote, just posted

lazyeye · 22/03/2004 15:12

Been following this with interest.

I have a friend who is pg for the 3rd time after 2 ds. She too was despo for a girl, but has been told its probably another boy. She was devasted for a time and became quite depressed. It was hard to get her to come out and mix a bit and we were worried about the affect of her depression on her kids. She has minimal help from a pretty useless hubbie and I felt like this news was sort of the last straw for her. She has since rallied and seems to be looking forward to things.

I'm also pg for the 3rd time with 2 boys and secretly hope for a girl, mainly because I have such a shite relationship with my mother, I want a close one with a girl. Then I got a bad MSS result which indicated Downs and suddenly I didn't care what it was. I asked at my scan and was told it was probably a girl, but I truly believe I no longer cared.

However, I'm with Crunchie and Soupy. You don't know what other problems this girl is having...it will be the case that she gets over it and loves the baby, but for now its a big deal for her, its making her feel bad and depressed and thats an awful thing facing the birth of a baby. She probably feels guilty about feeling that way -I know my friend did. Of course some problems are worse than others, but that doesn't make the smaller ones any less valid.

Crunchie · 22/03/2004 15:15

I am so sorry I never usually rant, and I usually re-read just incase I upset someone as I know it can be taken personally. Sorry for any offence to anyone, I know others have things far far worse and life is not great. Some popel really go through the mill and HMB you seem like someone who has had so much bad luck, you are damn right IT IS SOMEONE ELSES TURN NOW - so God are you listening...

hmb · 22/03/2004 15:16

Crunchie, that is OK. I honestly don't get fazed by much ATM! My mind is in permanent panic mode anyway.

I just keep trying to point out that this is a self resolving problem. This woman will love her child and the problem will, quite naturaly solve itself. And as such it is hard to take it that seriously when you are looking at something that migh naturaly resolve itself in the death of my dh! Sorry some things are serious shit and somethings will pass. And knowing that does help. Trust me on this one. This weeks has been a hell of a steap learning curve

Twinkie · 22/03/2004 15:17

"Just at the moment I don't think I'd care if dh canged sex as long as he was OK at the end of it! " - this sentance says it all doesn't it really in terms of this debate!!

HMB - my heart goes out to you honey. You really are being strong and brave when faced with so much shit. XXX

Chandra · 22/03/2004 15:21

Please let me see if we understand what is going on here, person who didn't wanted a dd not here, she is the friend of a friend of a friend not remotely related to this thread. On the other hand HMB is here -in person- with a huge problem, would it be so difficult to forget about the other issue for a moment and do something about somebody who is here, now, and has a big problem?

Chandra · 22/03/2004 15:25

damn, why am I so slow in writing, totally out of time sorry...

Crunchie · 22/03/2004 15:25

HMB I know it will resolve it did in my case. I do remeber once when the boot was on the other foot so to speak, I had a prem baby 1st time around, she was 27 weeks, and v.little. Once she was about 6 weeks old a new family came into the special care with a baby that was just 6 weeks pre - note I say just (!) The parents were distraught, so I with my sense of perfect timing said 'what are you worrying about, she'll be fine, after all she's only 6 weeks prem, MINE was 13 weeks' ooops I still remember their faces as they tried to apoligise at the same time as backing away from me fast. I don't think we spoke again until they left, even though the babies were in next door cots

Beety · 22/03/2004 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hmb · 22/03/2004 15:56

And I'll be honest here, a bit of me is feeling a fraud because we are realy lucky that dh has chronic leukemia and not acute, as that would have been a lot worse. And god forbid, it could be my kids, and I'd die a thousand deaths than have that happen to them.

To be crude like is a bucket of shit sometimes. Some buckets are big and some are small. It is all shit, but some of it is in more managable amounts. And to me this issue is a small flushable number compared to the skip-full I have in my front lawn. And others have mountains of the stuff to deal with. And knowing that helps! Honestly it does.

hmb · 22/03/2004 15:57

Just read your story Crunchie. I never know how people cope with babes in SCBU units. Hugs.

katierocket · 22/03/2004 15:58

good analogy hmb!

lazyeye · 22/03/2004 15:58

Hummm. I posted on another thread today about how low & untogether I feel at the moment. I hesitated to post it becasue really I have no major problems.....just a very hectic life and a difficult pg. Compared to lots, and certainly, hmb, its not a big deal. If i'd caught sight of this thread 1st I might never have posted, because in comparison I don't have large problems, just very real ones for me.

I think if we start deciding who has a worthy problem and who doesn't it might be the thin end of a nasty wedge.

Swipe left for the next trending thread