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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Depressed about sex of unborn baby

258 replies

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 14:46

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Chandra · 22/03/2004 13:17

HMB you have stopped us in our tracks, how are you?

M2T · 22/03/2004 13:22

HMB - My goodness you are harsh about this! Of course she WILL deal with it.... just in her own way. And it will seem insignificant once the baby arrives, but at the moment it's obviously upset her!

handlemecarefully · 22/03/2004 13:23

Gomez,

I'll answer that point - mildly pissed off about the holier than thou attitude....

Also think Scummymummy's post is spot on.

MrsGrump · 22/03/2004 13:24

I imagine if the woman in question read this thread she might feel that her legitimate feelings had been quite trashed by people saying she needs "a reality check" We don't know that she's genuinely "depressed", just not as upbeat as she was in previous pregnancies. If after months and months she's still disappointed to the point that it's detrimental to her relationship with the baby, that would be different, but in the short run, doesn't she have the right to her own feelings?

The extension of Jimjams argument is to say that none of us ever has anything to moan about because we aren't living in the 3rd world with constant warfare, no access to good quality drinking water or health care. Other people have said that this woman should be glad she can have children at all -- I can't think of a much more insensitive thing to say to a parent of a recently born baby with serious disabilities. The disabilities might not be devastating to some, but most of us would find it emotionally distressing, at least at first. It would be a complete denial of the situation and their right to not like it to say , "Oh, at least you can have children at all!". Some of the comments here imply that nobody should ever have any hopes at all about their children, or if your hopes are dashed, you aren't allowed to feel more than the most momentary blip of unhappiness about it.

hmb · 22/03/2004 13:27

Fairly shit, sometimes better, sometimes worse.

I realy didn't want to stop anyone, I just wanted to try to put things into some sort of perspective. This time last week trivial things mattered to me. Now they don't. To be honest I almost find it hard to worry about my mother in my terror at leukemia.

And I mean it when I say that compared to some other people we (dh and I) have it easier. He could have had acute leukemia, that would have been worse.

I'm trying to come to terms with this. It helps that we have already coped with cancer once begore. Ironicaly dh had just been given the all clear from testicular cancer. But you have to cope, you don't have an alternative.

But sorry, having a healthy child is a blessing not a problem. Things do have a pecking order in the shitiness of things. Trust me after last week I'm an expert.

hmb · 22/03/2004 13:29

M2T I suppose that I am.

M2T · 22/03/2004 13:30

Oh HMB - I missed your last post! Sorry things are tough just now.

Coddy · 22/03/2004 13:30

oops m2t!

Beety · 22/03/2004 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hmb · 22/03/2004 13:32

That is OK, M2T. I've just had a hard, very fast lesson in how crappy life can be, and Jimjams is right sometimes you need a reality check.

I'd be the first to admit that I have worried massivly about the most stupid things. I doubt that I will stop even now, after this. But it has brought me up short.

In the end we get to love the people around us, what else matters?

ScummyMummy · 22/03/2004 13:35

How absolutely awful, hmb. I'm so sorry about your dh. Is there treatment that will help? How on earth are you coping with so much going on?

hmb · 22/03/2004 13:40

There is no cure, at least as yet. The positive side is that it is in it's very, very early stages. On average life expectancy is sbout 14 years, so things could be a lot better. There are new treatments being developed, and he may well have longer than 14 years. But I can't help worring.

And I'm being honest when I say that there are people worse off than we are. God forbid that it were one of our kids. How do people cope with that?

Which brings me back to the point we are discussing. It helps to realise that other people have it harder. I realy does. When things get realy bad perspective helps.

hmb · 22/03/2004 13:42

re Coping. I'm not, at least not that well. Thank god I have a good boss who is very caring. The school has given me time off....so I'm missing OFSTED ( I think they may have tought I'd tell the inpector to f off if he/she annoyed me... and they might have been right)

Mumsnet helps, friends are great. Dh is amazing and bottom line is you don't have an option.

Chandra · 22/03/2004 13:56

I don't know how to say this in English but I really admire the approach you are taking towards these things, you are definitively a very strong woman, not a drop of sarcasm in what I have said. We have a saying back home that says something like "you never know what you got until you loose it" but it is not until that moment when you realise how valuable things were, and sometimes not even then...

On response to Grossmum concerns about living in a third world country through warfare... well, I come from the third world and at least 10 people I knew have disapeared or being killed in the last ten years, however, I still feel more fearful when I get near to a group of teenagers here in England that when I'm around back home. Probably because I didn't witness the killings but I was there with my baby when a group of teenagers throw stones to both of us... as my father says, nobody learns on another's head...

Beety · 22/03/2004 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gomez · 22/03/2004 14:05

But Katierocket - this 'conversation' has been harsh and our 'theoretical' case has been lambasted (sp?) again and again. Nobody is suggesting opinions aren't allowed ever but this obviously isn't one of those issues where tact and diplomacy are required. Lets just get stuck in and tell these stupid woman to get over it appears to a persistent message. No sympathy for perhaps an irrational reaction to the loss of someones hopes and dreams?

And HMB

hmb · 22/03/2004 14:05

Not strong at all Chandra, but thank you. I keep saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Not sure if I fully believe it any more but it seems to help a bit

hmb · 22/03/2004 14:07

Gomez, but in the end she will just have to learn to live with it? What other option is there?

Gomez · 22/03/2004 14:09

For sure she will just need to learn to live with it - but is she not allowed a wee bit time to do that?

ScummyMummy · 22/03/2004 14:11

I'm not surprised you are finding it hard to cope, hmb or that this thread hasn't impressed you. I hope your dh will have access to the best treatment available and that you can carry on being such a rock for him. You both sound like really amazing people, as Chandra said. Lots of hugs to you and dh.

(Beety and Gomez- I feel a bit of a shit carrying on this debate in the light of hmb's news and I think this will be my last word on the matter but I do agree with your recent posts. You've said what I was trying to say in my long post below in about 1/10th of the words.)

Beety · 22/03/2004 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsGrump · 22/03/2004 14:14

Ah, but you employed immense Tact in your post, ScummyMummy, which is a virtue some of us are admittedly deficient in!

hmb · 22/03/2004 14:14

Time, yes, but I'm fresh out of sympathy for the moment. Sorry, but I've been wallowing in my own self pity this last week.

Just at the moment I don't think I'd care if dh canged sex as long as he was OK at the end of it!

I just don't get how having a normal live even can be seen as a disaster. I see that there are issues in the family, and that is a different thing. I can sympathise with her for having an idiot FIL, but a healty child?? Sorry, I can't swaet the small stuff anymore. Not when sympathy will not help her any.

I realise that most of Mumsnet is made up of people posting minor problems, I've been doing it myself for a long time. But they are things that others can help with. This girl just needs to sort out her issues. Sorry but life sucks sometimes.

Chandra · 22/03/2004 14:14

HMB, yes, what other option is there? now that I'm in the saying mood... as the americans say... If live throw lemons at you do lemonade (Please somebody correct me or at least shut me up!!! )

Beety, I have posted so many personal things about myself and recommended this site to so many friends that in the interest of keeping my anonimity I would prefer not to say...

Chandra · 22/03/2004 14:17

ooops!! this last one was suposed to be placed 5 messages down the list... not as a response to your last post hmb...

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