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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Depressed about sex of unborn baby

258 replies

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 14:46

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

OP posts:

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SoupDragon · 21/03/2004 15:04

DS2 was "meant" to be a DD. I found out he was a boy by accident at a growth scan 2 days before he was born and I was devastated. I was convinced he was a girl. Nevertheless, I did bond with him even though I'd had only 2 days to get used to the idea of another boy. I'm sure your friend's sister will get over her disappointment. In a way, she's grieving for the boy she wanted but there's plenty of time for her to get used to the idea of another girl when she's over this initial disappointment.

HTH

Chandra · 21/03/2004 15:05

I don't know what to say but this is what my parents usually say:

If they have tried to get a boy we would now be a family of 14 sisters.
girls are not second quality children, and they can learn to play football (we never did tough, but are particularly good at fixing small car problems)
Why does she wants a boy? out of carrying the surname of the family for further generations (optional lately as far as I know) I don't see any major advantage of one against the other.

Not very helpful I know... sorry

SoupDragon · 21/03/2004 15:14

As someone who has boys, I can answer no.3... Because she wants one! That's certainly the reason I wanted a girl. Nothing more than that

motherinferior · 21/03/2004 15:26

My dp's dad really wanted a girl (v unusual in Bangladeshi man of that generation, I suspect). Gave up after four boys!

wilbur · 21/03/2004 15:29

I think this can be very hard. My MIL kept having babies, always longing for a dd, but had 4 ds's until she felt it was enough. She adores all her boys but admits she was disappointed with 3 and 4 initially, but after a few days or even hours, they became people and she loved them for everything that they were, not for anything to do with their sex. Perhaps your friend's sister might be able to admit that even though it's not very pc, she is disappointed that her baby is not a ds. That way she is not hiding anything and it might help her to get through her nehgative feelings more quickly.

collision · 21/03/2004 16:16

A friend of mine had the same thing and tried for a ds for her third and had another girl (3) She swore when she realised as she was desperate for a boy and when I had a boy I know how sad she was. FWIW it makes me so sad. I know how lucky I will feel if I have another boy and will love it whatever it looks like and whatever it is. I read the ttc thread and it makes me cry the lengths some of the MN's go to to try and have a child of whatever sex. I know this is of no help whatsoever, Nutty, but your friend should be damn grateful

she can have children
she has 2 already
she will have another healthy daughter

Sorry.....but if you read the ttc thread you will no what I mean. There are some who would give anything to hold their own child. (Dont mean to offend your friend and Im sure she will come round)

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 16:29

I agree Collision, that she should be grateful for what she has. I can't really understand it myself either and neither can my friend, thats what prompted me to do the thread.
I can honestly say that i wouldn't of been bothered one bit, had me 3rd been a girl. I have difficult pregnancies and have always just been grateful for a healthy baby.

OP posts:

luckymum · 21/03/2004 16:46

I have 3 children and it really doesn't help when people assume you're trying for one sex or another. There's almost a pressure to have a mixed bunch, 'I suppose you'd like a girl.....well er no, I'm not that bothered actually'. I had two boys and the third happened to be a girl (although tbh I thought it would be a boy and was gobsmacked when it wasn't). Whilst I am trying to be sympathetic (probably not sounding it) I really don't understand the 'I'd prefer a boy/girl' business. I have a friend who has had multiple miscarriages and agree with collision she would be grateful for a baby, any baby.

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 16:56

yeah I'm with collision on this. Your sister needs to wish for a helathy baby and if she gets one thank hee lucky stars.

i can understand it if there's more risk of a family condition in a particular sex, or if there's been some terrible family history that you want to avoid repeating itself. otherwise I think people need to get over it and remember that having a baby isn't like clothes shopping- you get what you are given and you are grateful.

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 16:56

sorry your friend's sister not your sister.

MrsGrump · 21/03/2004 16:59

I imagine the lady will have time to come 'round. Better that she knows now and hopefully reconciles to any disappointment before the baby is born.

collision · 21/03/2004 17:01

Mrs Grump.....when is yr baby due and do you know what you are having?

MrsGrump · 21/03/2004 17:04

Urk, knew I shouldn't have said anything. It's probably a boy, and for the record, I am a bit disappointed. It's not very important, but it is irking me on this thread when people are saying "You should be grateful for whatever you get" sort of comments. I don't want to get started, though.

collision · 21/03/2004 17:07

So-reee!! What have you got now?

MrsGrump · 21/03/2004 17:11

One of each... I just think people should be allowed their preferences and feelings. Does an infertile person have the right to say "Be grateful for what you have" to a mother of a Down's baby? If the baby is born and the mother always rejected and didn't care for it solely based on gender that would be bad, and I'd condemn too, but let someone get over the initial disappointment, eh?

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 17:12

yeah but mrs grump my eldest child is disabled so I do get annoyed when people fuss over the sex - unless they have a reason as I mentioned before. Sorry but I do. If its just because they "want" a gril/boy or whatever then I do tend to think they are clueless and should go to the local PMLD school, or the local infertility clinic and thank their lucky stars.

Healthy is all that matters believe me.

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 17:14

Actually when I talk to infertile people I do thank my lucky stars. I am much much much luckier than them

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 17:15

Cor, get you today Mrs Grump! ikwym about a boy a bit. When I was pregnant with dd and thought she was another ds (was told it was a boy in fact at a scan) I was disappointed. I couldn't help it, I just was (although I was VERY careful not to let ds know this, I didn't want him to think I loved boys less or anything). Partly because I knew I wasn't having another and so thought I'd never have a girl, partly because I had a ds already.

collision · 21/03/2004 17:15

oo-er......hate confrontation so will stop now! Just reading ttc makes me think how lucky I am to be able to have a baby that's all. Wondering why you mind so much about wanting a girl when you have one of each.

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 17:16

Just to clarify a little. My friends sister usually loves being pregnant, talking about the baby, buying things e.t.c. My friend is worried because her sister is not mentioning the baby at all and has even made a few unkind comments about it.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 17:18

mrs grump- go to the SN section of the board. I don't think any of the mum's of chilren with DS feel hard done by - not remotely.

hmb · 21/03/2004 17:24

At the risk of having a sense of humour failure about this, sometimes you don't get what you want in life. You don't have a choice, you just have to get on with things. If the worse thing that happens to you is that you get the 'wrong' sex, consider yourself damn lucky.

I find it hard to understand how women can put themselves down in this way. I don't feel remotely second class and neither does my dd. And my mother did make it clear to me that she prefered boys to girls. Isn't it about time we stopped this?

luckymum · 21/03/2004 17:26

Surely you get pregnant to have a baby not a boy or a girl. Yes I can understand that someone may be disappointed but its not the end of the world. Given the choice would she prefer a healthy girl or a not-so-healthy boy? To go to Italy or to end up in Holland (wonderful though it is).

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 17:29

forget sodding holland I'll have italy please (actually I thank my lucky stars that I seem to have ended up in quite a nice bit of Holland. There's a lot lot worse out there).

collision · 21/03/2004 17:30

TBH, HMB, Im not sure if it is about just having girls as some are upset about having boys as well. There are 4 grandsons in our family and my parents are desperate for a girl as they are 'sick' of boys clothes and would like a girl to make it different. I am the next one to have a baby and I know everyone wants me to have a girl. TBH, it would be easier for me to have another boy as they could share a room and it could have ds clothes etc but equally as well I would love a girl too. I do find it hard to understand the way other people view things...I will just be grateful for a healthy child.

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