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Original poster

Depressed about sex of unborn baby

258 replies

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 14:46

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

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roisin · 22/03/2004 15:58

Huge sympathies out to you Hmb - sounds like you've got way more than your fair share of troubles atm.

What sort of leukemia is it?

hmb · 22/03/2004 16:14

Chronic lymphocytic, which I know is the best of a bad lot. So I'm pinning my hopes onto that at the moment.

Lazyeye, I know what you mean and posted something similar myself a looooong way down the thread. But at the same time I think that we all have a right to our view point. I posted my situation with a dregree of trepedation, and I doidn't want this to degenrerate into a 'my life is harder than yours' slanging match. I posted it because I felt that I had a faily unique insight into how you priorities can change as your situation changes. Not that it makes me stong or good or whatever. You just have to cope with things because you don't have an option.

And smaller problems just fade out. Sorry but that is just whatI have found. People better than me may well be different.

Jimjams · 22/03/2004 16:19

Until I'm blue in the face..... No-one is saying that probelms have to be "worthy" before they matter. All I;'m saying is that if you put your problems int some sort of perspective then you can move on. However big and awful or however trivial that problem is. 2 weeks ago today shcool rang me at 8.15am to say that ds1 couldn't go in as his LSA was off sick. And I sat on the floor and wept becuase I needed to go to the post office. FFS how wet is that? How trivial and how stupid. And I managed to sult about it for most of the day. But had I heard hmb's news that day then I would hoipe that I would have been able to put that "problem" into perspective. I still feel that I was entitled to moan about it- just as this woman is entitled to feel regret that she's not having a boy.

Look at the end of the day this woman has two choices. She can either get over it and get on wth - which I'm sure is what she will do . Or she can spend the rest of her life feeling like a martyr becuase she hasn't got her girl. Fine her choice. But if she does choose the martyr route then forgve me if I don't dish out the sympathy. If she had started this thread then I probably wouldn't have reposnded as she would have been asking for help and I would have had none to offer her. The same reason I don't have many normal friends. I have nothing to offer them. I wouldn;t have told her to get on with it as that's not helpful. I may have poiinted out that it helps me when things like this happen that are out of my control to remember that I am lucky. We all are.

Jimjams · 22/03/2004 16:21

No hmb your last sentence is 100% correct - it is what happens- and it is what would happen to this woman as well if something happened to threaten her pregnancy- she would stop worrying about whether the baby was a girl or boy.

twiglett · 22/03/2004 16:29

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hmb · 22/03/2004 16:33

Yes, and thankfully dh has 3 brothers. Also autologous stem cell transplantation. But nothing will need to be done until his symptoms require it, and thankfully that isn't yet (or hopefully for a long time). But that will not be a cure, just remission IYSWIM.

lazyeye · 22/03/2004 16:40

You are right of course JimJams, but I think some of the responses on here to a problem - all be it a small one- have not been encouraging, and my point was just that how big to they have to be before they are deserving of sympathy? I suppose it just depends on personal experience and thats the crux of it - its all relative and its all personal.

I'm constantly amazed at the pple on MN who battle through allsorts and remain relatively cheery. I know I'm lucky, very very lucky, but when your'e down about something, anything, its sometimes hard to see that, and I'm not sure how helpful it is to be told to "Pull yourself together", though I'm not suggesting anyone has said that here. Oh dear.

Anyway, I seem to be getting myself in a row without really wanting to & it is getting all a bit hypothetical.

collision · 22/03/2004 16:44

Blimey, Nutty, 208 messages!! Bet you didnt expect this when you posted your little thread yesterday!!! LOL

Crunchie · 22/03/2004 16:45

HMB it was 5 yrs ago, actually 5 yrs last thursday as that little 1lb baby is now a thriving 5 yr old

hmb · 22/03/2004 16:49

Amazing how time flys. Ds will be 4 this weekend. Where did that time go!??

Jimjams · 22/03/2004 16:52

lol lazyeye. FWIW I do think if the woman herself had posted on here then it would be wrong for anyone to say "pull youself together can't you see my life is worse". But no-one's saying that. I think what I'm saying is being interpreted in that way, but I'm basically talking about myself and how I avoid getting down. For me thinking how much worse things could be cheers me up. (And believe me I chanted that on the way round Tesco this afternoon- Or maybe I just gritted my teeth and ignored the stares )

Could I mix/be friends with someone who was disappointed that her baby was the wrong sex? Of course- I am. I can name you several from amongst my friends. Could I personally remain friends with someone who turned having a girl rather than a boy into a great life tragedy? No I don't think I could. I suspect contact would cease. But I'm sure there are many people out there who would feel the same- and I'm sure some of them would have perfect lives. They just don't do martyrdom.

As you say though all very hypothetical.

Jimjams · 22/03/2004 16:54

heck ds1 is screaming the hosue down. A lady is sitting in her car doing the crossword. Do I ask her to move?

luckymum · 22/03/2004 17:24

Hmb.....have read about your dh & your mum on your other thread and just wanted to send more hugs.

Some wonderful posts today.

At the end of the day Nutty's friend's sister will get over this, she has no other choice. I for one wasn't trying to 'belittle' her feelings, as many have said they are very real to her, I just don't have a great deal of sympathy with them and because of that, if she had posted on here herself I probably wouldn't have replied.

tallulah · 22/03/2004 18:24

Feel the need to add my twopennorth. My DH is the youngest of 3 DSs. His mother always wanted a girl. His brothers had 2 DSs each, so I was amazed when our first was a girl. My own family has a history of older DD getting ignored for younger DS. I wanted to break the pattern to spare my DD the rejection. When told number 2 was a boy at 32 wk scan I was horrified. Took me the 10 wks till he was eventually born to come to terms with it. I did not want a boy. I projected the feelings I had for my brother onto my DS, which I didn't feel was fair to him, but couldn't help.

DS has dyspraxia & other problems that have never been identified. We had a third, hoping for a 2nd DD- another boy. This one has dyspraxia AND ADHD. Had a fourth- again hoping for another DD- another boy. MW gave me a lecture in the delivery room along the "would you rather have a dead girl or a healthy boy" lines that some of the posters have quoted. I was disappointed. That may sound terrible to some of you but it's how I felt. It took a while before that went because I knew I couldn't have any more children.

Over the years I have found myself getting resentful that 2 of mine have problems while other people get 4 healthy kids- knowing that there are hundreds of people out there much much worse off than me doesn't help.

I went on to have counselling & all the issues have been sorted. I still have my fantasy family in the back of my mind and I'm still sad my DD doesn't have a sister, esp when I see the relationship a lot of people have with their sister that you just don't get with a brother. If I had my time again I would have had the counselling before I had the children, but I didn't know how to get it then.

There is more to having a preference for a particular sex than the obvious. (FWIW if I had another one now I wouldn't care what it was).

Jimjams · 22/03/2004 18:46

Does it really not help Tallulah- knowing that other have problems? (Genuine question- not an attack) Both of mine do as well (well I suspect ds2- but obviously know about ds1) and I find it really helps to put my problems in perspective. In fact ds1's problems but ds2's possible verbal dyspraxia into perspective, whereas I think if he had been my first I would have worried far more. I did start a thread on mumsnet about that feeling of "not fair", but I find the best way for me to get over that is to see other people coping with far worse. I moan a lot (offload daily) to others in similar situations to me. That along with thinking about others worse off than me keeps me sane. Maybe it helps that having removed myself from normal circles (yes I do recognise that resentment you mention) my social circle is made up of families with severely disabled kids.

Don't know just pondering- their reality does make me thankful for my own. Maybe its harder if its an abstract "someone worse off than you".

aloha · 22/03/2004 21:36

I do think we have to remember that the woman whose problems started this thread ISN'T reading it so she can't be hurt by it. Also Jimjams has been unfailingly kind and sympathetic on Mumsnet with other posters' endless trivial-by-comparison worries (including mine - thanks Jimjams). She has said herself she wouldn't have posted what she did to someone who had asked for advice.
I do worry somewhat about someone who is really 'depressed' by the thought of a child of certain gender, rather than 'disappointed' or 'worried' or 'regretful' - all of which responses are understandable and human. Of course I hope and expect that she will be OK when the baby is born and fall in love with her, though I keep thinking of that woman on Child Of Our Time who neglected her sons while craving a daughter. She was ill, yes, and I did feel sorry for her, but my heart really bled for her boys. That case has coloured my view of Nutty's friend. If she had posted herself, we'd probably have a more rounded view of her feelings though.

BTW the woman I interviewed this afternoon has just had a termination because her unborn baby was a boy - the amnio showed he had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy like her son, and so would face a lifetime of deterioration and would die in early adulthood at the latest. Girls can't inherit it, so she hoped for a girl. Very, very sad.

hmb · 22/03/2004 21:40

Poor woman, how awful.

aloha · 22/03/2004 21:41

Hmb, I'm really sorry about your husband.

Jimjams · 22/03/2004 22:05

Poor woman aloha. That made me shiver. I can't begin to imagine how awful that must be.

I always remember that woman on Child of Our Time as well. My feelings about her are similar to yours. I was pleased to see this time round that she appeared a lot happier (but her poor little boy trying to count in the evil nursery- I wanted to whisk him out of there and hold him tight!)

jasper · 22/03/2004 23:43

Just found this thread and am sitting cheering at all Jimjam's posts.
Well said woman

robinw · 23/03/2004 07:02

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robinw · 23/03/2004 07:02

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robinw · 23/03/2004 07:03

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Jimjams · 23/03/2004 07:30

but you can't not say something in case it upsets someone who feels similarly- that's ridiculous! I mean how far do you take it? If you really beleive that then could I please put in a request and ask everyone to stop taking about how much easier things get as your kids get older as it makes me feel down every time I read it. Oh and please stop talking about "first words" as well as that upsets me. We'd all be walking on permanent eggshells.

If the woman concerned had posted then obviously the posts need to be subtle in their response. I've already said that my response woiuld have been either different or non-existent.

s she seriously depressed? We don't know. If she is then I guess she falls into the same category as the woman on Child of Our Time (for whom I had great sympathy- but like Aloha I worried more about her boys). Of course if you are seriously depressed then you aren't going to be able to take a balanced view- the last thing you have with serious depression is balance. But then serious depression isn't usually about one thing like this. There's a lot more going on.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2004 07:31

"I do think we have to remember that the woman whose problems started this thread ISN'T reading it so she can't be hurt by it." No, that woman isn't reading it but others who have been in a similar situation are definitely reading it. Although one less from now.