Depressed about sex of unborn baby

[nutcracker]

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

SM don't worry, this debate is the least of my worries at the moment. And I didn't post to stop the conversation. I just did it to give my insight about how your concerns can change within a matter of moments.

Sometimes being pulled up sharply can be the only way ahead.

Fair enough HMB each to their own. Take care.

Scummy, I am with Mrs Grump and Beety you say it with such tact.

I don't think anyone is saying that people aren't entitled to their feelings MrsGrump. I'm certainly not. It's what you do with those feelings though, and how you deal with them. Is it ok to wallow in self pity? Or should we be able to move on? Now this woman clearly has some issues and maybe it isn't fair to expect her to just move on, but the majority of people I have come across who feel hard done by about having the wrong sex, don't have issues they just haven't got what they wanted. And I'm certainly not saying that you should tell someone who has just had a baby with a disability they should be grateful. ALthough if you look through this thread and read the reposnses by those of us with children with disabilities you will see that we seem to be thinking along the same lines. We do count seem to see ourselves as lucky for having our kids.

i knew that hmb's problems were the reason that she felt the same way as me about this. You could say we've both had wake up calls. I don't know if I felt this way before ds1. i suspect I would have thought the woman rather silly. Instead - as scummy has noticed - I do feel angry with her. How dare she reject so easily what I would give my right arm for? (A healthy child its whole life ahead of it). Like hmb I think that seeing a helathy child as a "problem" is a bit sick really

Just been speaking to a friend on the phone her friend has 2 children with problems- her dd's is degenerative. Awful. At least we're moving forwards. Hearing that doesn't miraculously make my problems disappear, or make my concerns invalid, but it does stop me feeling particularly hard done by. Surely it would be better for this woman if she could get some balance over this. She's the only person who can do that.

hmb- I've wondered whether to post this because I hate all that "my cousins's freind's baby" stuff. However I'll cross my fingers and hope its helpful. if it isn't feel free to swear at me, and ignore it. My grandfather had the same type of leukaemia as your dh. He had it from before I was born- and lived for over 30 years with it. Keep on hoping honey and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade", Chandra.
There's also, "If life is a bowl full of cherries, how come I only seem to get the pits?"
I think that each of us can only feel how we feel relative to whatever life has thrown at us recently. That doesn't make disappointment over the baby's sex as important as serious illness in the family, but the process of coming to terms with the perceived problem can be very similar (which was the point of Nutty's original post, how to help, etc.)

eeek hmb- that last post was written before your response mentioning self-pity. The self-pity comment was not aimed at you at all. I don't think I'd be getting out of bed if I was you. Covers pulled tightly over. I agree 100% with everything you've said. hugs again....

HMB you are still in the very early stages and there's still a lot that can be done, leukemia is mostly curable now so don't loose hope as there are lots of things to be done. I'm sure there should be somebody in Mumsnet who can provide more information about it, please start a new thread under health I'm sure there should be somebody around who could give a bit of advice and support you through all this.

And I do hope that as soon as the woman sees her child all of this worry and silliness will pass away.

I don't realy have the skills to say what I think. Oh, to have the skills of other munsnetters to put down on paper what it think.

We have all been given the greatest gift that there is, we have given life to others. When we grow old and die, not all of us will pass from the face of the earth. Our lives touch others, make things better , sometimes make things a little worse. If we are fortunate, others will think well of us when we are gone.

So what does it matter if we are too fat, or too thin, if our sex lives are dull? what does it matter if our children are boys or girls, or less than perfect, all that matters is that they are our children. And that we love them. And when we are gone, part of us will still live on in them. And in the end that is all that matters.

HMB,
that has deeply moved me. I'm going to keep this thread and look at when feeling hard done by.
FWIW, my FIL died of dementia dn I think you are doing the right thing.

that's terrific hmb

Yes exactly hmb well said. And I'm saying this knowing that is sounds holier than thou- but sometimes I am truly happy - (although I'd take them away in an instant if I could) that ds1 has his problems because I find it a little bit easier to remember that every day.

I'm always quite surprised when I get out and about and meet people that I am so much happier than many people with far more perfect and supposedly fufilling lives than me. I suspect that may be because I get reminded daily how close we all sail to the edge.

Remembering that other people's lives are often far crapper than yours can be a key to living a happy life youself. I think its called counting your belssings.

Anyway I'm off to Tesco's. You may hear the screaming from your house hmb

agree totally hmb. And poor you.

I'm good at self pity , Jimjams, and eventually I cry myself out and get on with things . I realise that this isn't one of the worst cases and people do live with this for ages. And then the little voice sa, but not everyone does'. Ho hum, I'll live with it in the end.

Not entering the debate but would just like to say whenever I've mentioned what are VERY small problems re younger dd perhaps being rather behind in speech development, Jimjams has offered so much support and excellent advice and treated my supposed problems with great kindness.

No of course hmb. Not tyring to belittle it at all- that's why I ummed and ahhed. I posted because although on the one hand I hate hearing about Uncle jack who taked at 6 - it does give me a little bit a hope. And hope is a good thing to have. So on balance its good to hear iyswim.

And I think you're blinking marvellous so don't put yourself down.......

As someone who's admitted here that I was devastated to find out DS2 was a boy, I find your responses disheartening. to say the least. It makes me feel like I must be some sort of monster or shallow and that my feelings are somehow invalid. Do I look at DS2 and resent him for not being a girl? Of course I don't. I love him and I'd fight for him every bit as much as if he'd been a girl - he's my youngest son why wouldn't I? That doesn't change the fact that I wanted him to be a girl. I'm not some anonymous friend-of-a-friend, I'm not a hypothetical case, I'm here admitting how I felt.

Hugs to you, HMB, and lots of positive wishes...

I have read this thread with great interest (I am mostly a lurker and an occasional poster). What has impressed me most about Mumsnet is how supportive everyone is of anybodys problems, despite what their own may be. I think I read somewhere on MN once that by reading MN, one learns not to judge anybody until they have walked a mile in their shoes.

Although I agree with HMB and others who have real problems that the original poster's problem seems trivial, we don't know what is really going on in her head. I would have taken the 'get a reality check' stance a few weeks ago, however, I recently found out that I am expecting a second DD and was shocked at how disappointed I was. I feel fine about it now and after reflection I realised that my reaction was due to:-

1. Social pressure - everyone, just everyone wants you to have the opposite sex with your second child. I feel like I am letting everyone down.
2. An unsatisfactory realtionship with my Mum, who has bad relationships with her mother, sister, daughter. I am terrified of history repeating itself.

The second point I think is the root of my problem and made me feel genuinely depressed to the point where when I almost accidently stepped out in front of a car one day my first thought was 'that would have solved my problem'. I know that this is a terrible thing to admit, but it illustrates how bad I felt and maybe is how bad nutcracker's friend feels.

I know, I know, I know that this disappointment is nothing compared to other situations that have been discussed but I just wanted to say that for the short time I felt like this, it was was bad as I have ever felt and I really couldn't help it and I sympathise with nutcracker's friend.

aww thanks sykes. I'm getting convinved ds23 has a speech probelm now Am off to learn how to deal with it myself in April. Can't do speech therapy battles again.

I MUST go to Tescos. I'm only delaying as ds1 keeps having paddies about looking at the sink in there.

I agree with Sykes and the only time I have had a huge disagreement with Jimjams was due to my huge ignorance

I do see your point SD. But the point I've been making is that the woman is question will love her child. As you said, you don't resent you some, you love him. So for you it isn't an issue, and it will be the same in this case. The resolution will come with time. The reality is that it isn't a big issue?

sparklemum & SoupDragon, intresting to read about your experiences.

this really is going to sound trite but this thread is an example of why i love MN - you get intelligent discussion about real topics and you get to appreciate all angles.

(oh and you get to learn about secret cults involving tablecloths )

It is a big issue now but it won't be when the baby is born. She simply has to get over it in her own time. And she will.

did we have a disagreement chandra? I forgot!

soupy no one is saying that you are shallow to have felt diasppointed. In fact you got over it in a matter opf days so I would hardly say that you wallowed in it. Having a preferences is normal. However don't you think that if a little girl you had known had been killed in a road accident, or had something terible happen to her that you may have re-evaluated your feelings about the importance of gender? All I;m saying is rthat if we can learn to think like this in our daily lives then it helps. I'm not suggesting imposing it on anyone. It doesn't work 'ike that anyway. It certainly helps me when I'm sulking about the things I can't do with ds1 to remember that I can do a lot more with him than many mothers can do with their child.

Thanks God Jimjams I was so embarrased!!!! it was a looooong time ago

Katie rocket, I agree with you. Mumsnet was part of what got me through the last Gulf was....dh was serving in the RAF at the time and was out there. There were ots of excellent debates that helped to keep me sane (ish). That was another 'bucket of shit' few months, thinking about it.

Sd, I'm glad that things have improved.