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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Depressed about sex of unborn baby

258 replies

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 14:46

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

OP posts:

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collision · 21/03/2004 17:32

Am confused......what have Holland and Italy got to do with anything?

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 17:33

Yes i'm confused too

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 17:34

Of course it's not the end of the world to have a boy if you wanted a girl or vice versa and of course anyone who has a healthy child should be grateful for that - I don't think anyone's saying otherwise are they? But it is allowed to prefer to be having one or the other sex. I know we're not given the choice and I don't advocate that we should be, not at all, but it is Ok to feel we'd prefer one or the other isn't it? I'm very very grateful for what I've got and I'd have loved them whatever sex they were but I was pleased my second was a girl and I think that's fair enough.

Zerub · 21/03/2004 17:36

Have to agree with Wilbur. This lady needs to be able to talk about this with someone who will be sympathetic. Telling her that she shouldn't be disappointed about the sex of her baby, or that she should be grateful its not disabled, or grateful to be pregnant at all, won't actually help, surely? Like if you've sprained your ankle and someone with a broken leg tells you to shut up complaining - that's not going to stop your ankle hurting is it?

What helps with anything like this is to admit your feelings, have someone else acknowledge that your feelings are valid, be able to talk about it. Then you can move on. Denying the feelings or being made to feel guilty about them won't help.

Lots of people don't understand why someone would want one gender or the other - fair enough. But I don't see why other people shouldn't be allowed to feel disappointed if it matters to them. I was disappointed that my dd inherited my nose shape - completely trivial, but it mattered to me. Telling me I was wrong or silly to feel that way wouldn't have helped.

Ooh dear, ranting now, must stop. Better run and hide actually.

hmb · 21/03/2004 17:38

I think that it is one thing to 'prefer' to have one or the other and another thing to day that someone is 'depressed' at having the 'wrong' sex child.

And yes, there are families where a girl is prefered, but I'd put next months wages on the majority of people who have a preference wanting a boy, especially if you look world wide. And that isn't healthy.

Original poster

nutcracker · 21/03/2004 17:38

WWW I agree that it's o.k to have a preferance too, but to get so upset about it, i don't really understand that.

When i was pregnant for the 3rd time i actually said I wanted a girl, but that was obly because i was a bit worried about not knowing what to do with a boy . I asked the sex at the scan so that i would have time to get used to it. When they said it was a boy, i was fine with it, and once i got used to buying boys things i was really excited. Now he's here i can't believe i was ever worried about it. He's a little angel and i wouldn't swap him for the world

OP posts:

MrsGrump · 21/03/2004 17:39

You're much too sensible, Zerub.

collision · 21/03/2004 17:39

Fair point, Zerub.

hmb · 21/03/2004 17:40

To follow through the logic of the argument the sprain will get better on its own, a broken leg needs fixing.

luckymum · 21/03/2004 17:40

Holland

MrsGrump · 21/03/2004 17:42

I read that in the English language countries, among non-Muslims/Asians (don't mean to pick on, it's only what I read!), when people go to these sperm-sorting choose-the-sex clinics, it's between 50 and 80% girls that people want...

hmb · 21/03/2004 17:46

And in China girls are now being kidnapped and forcd into marrages because there is a significant shortfall in the number of girls being born. Because girls are often aborted or allowed to die by neglect because they are the wrong sex.

collision · 21/03/2004 17:46

Thanks for that Luckymum.......it is brilliant and I have read it before....brings tears to my eyes.

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 17:47

I wasn't referring to the original post, I was replying to Hmb at 5.24 and luckymum a minute later. I don't understand being 'depressed' at getting the 'wrong' sex either but I can believe it happens and it must feel very real if you're in the middle of it.

hmb · 21/03/2004 17:48

Just found this on the web

'The Accademy of Social Sciences in Bejing research times have found that in some parts of China there are 120 boys to only 100 girls because of Gender Selection - natural births produce a ratio of 105 to 100. Another study of women migrating to Bejing found they were arriving with 159 boys to only 100 girls. Gender Selection in China has already produced a very profound national imbalance with many tens of millions of young men now growing up without women to marry.

In India there is a similar problem with Gender Selection, and this has been the case for many years. A study in 1985 of women having amniocentesis (sampling of cells in the fluid surrounding a developing foetus in the womb) in Mumbai (Bombay) found that 90% were carries out to determine the gender of the child, and that 96% testing positive for a girl resulted in abortion. Although now illegal to abort in India on the basis of Gender Selection alone, ultrasound is commonly used to make the diagnosis before the 20th week of pregnancy and abortion is a common result.'

lou33 · 21/03/2004 17:49

Nutty, are you sure it's about the sex of the baby, and not because she doesn't really want to be pg at all? When i found out I was pg with number 3 (ds1) I was absolutely devastated. Tried not to be, tried being positive, even tried to be happy when I found out we were having our first son, but inside I just wasn't. I barely talked about being pg unless pushed by others. It wasn't until I went into a threatened labour at 34 weeks, that I realised how much I did actually want him. Similarly with ds2, though I came to terms with that pg earlier on

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 17:51

hmb, I very deliberately said I don't agree with gender selection. Is that the issue here?

WideWebWitch · 21/03/2004 17:52

Didn't mean to sound confrontational, I agree, it's wrong and that's depressing reading...

fairydust · 21/03/2004 17:52

my friend had two dd's and wanted her third to be a DD to at her 20 week scan it showed a boy and she was so disapointed that she to wouldn't talk about the baby - her ds's in 8weeks old and all was fine as soon as he was born - so hopfully this will be the same with your frineds

lavender1 · 21/03/2004 17:52

Understand her dissappointment if she was after a boy, but putting things into perspective like other people have said.

A child is a gift from God, some people can NEVER have children, and for them the day to day agony of this must be inconcievable, seeing their friends with their childre every day...To want children is surely to want to have a little version of dh/dp and you, to care for and have an eternal bond with...and share all of lifes ups and downs with...Whilst it is our right to have children, some things are outside our own hands and to have love for a boy or a girl should be on our minds when we are trying to conceive...(people have tried to decide the sex of their baby through various means and this is so wrong)...we should have love for all our children REGARDLESS OF THEIR SEX....love is the most important thing after all....btw don't mean to be harsh on your friend but do think this sort of thinking is grossly wrong!!

collision · 21/03/2004 17:53

No I dont think this is the issue at all. Am bit confused at the whole issue now. Just hope that I am never in the situation where I am depressed about the sex of a child.

hmb · 21/03/2004 18:03

No, I don't think that the issue is about gender selection, I was just making the point that the vast majority of cases when people prefer a sex, they tend to prefer boys. I just find it hard to understand how this can heppen, for any number of reasons.

I've been infertile and know the anguish of wanting a baby, so I find it hard to understand when people only want the 'right' baby. I remember with incredulity the conversations I had with people when I told them that I was expecting a girl, people asked me if dh minded! Minded, he was estatic! We had just had a dreadful year of mc, surgery, tests, more surgery and hormone treatment.

I've read the amazing things that people have posted about their kids on the SN board and this has altered my preconcieved ideas about the need for a 'perfect' baby.

I'm a woman and I feel so sad when other women seem to under value their own sex.....and I realise that societies differ in the 'say' they give women.

Life is tough, and throws all sorts of crap at people. Having the 'wrong' sex doesn't even begin to regester for me I'm afraid. I sympathise for the life experiences that might lead to the preference, but sorry, a lot of things happen in life that are a lot worse.

coppertop · 21/03/2004 18:06

In this area the hospital refuses to tell you the sex of your baby. You have to sign a piece of paper agreeing not to ask and stating that you understand that if you break this agreement you will be asked to leave. I had to have a scan on the day that ds2 was due to be induced and the MW commented (without us asking) that he could see the gender but wasn't able to tell us what it was. Even more bizarrely, during the actual labour a MW was glared at for commenting that usually when the labour was difficult it meant that it was a boy.

I'm not pregnant (or even trying yet!) but already people keep telling me that I must be hoping that my next baby is a girl. There is definitely an assumption that women want at least one of each.

Jimjams · 21/03/2004 18:14

sorry sorry sorry but unless there are understandable issues- already mentioned - I DO have a problem with people getting so upset over having the "wrong" sex.

I'm sorry but I think these people have to get real really. Take a trip to a local children's cancer ward, whatever it takes to tune into reality. I DO think that people need to grow up. You don't always get what you want - tough- be grateful for what you do have.

I have no patience with it. I feel sorry when I see people who are so desperate for one sex that they make themselves mentally ill, but I'm very much on HMB's wavelength here.

Sorry just how I feel. Surely its not that difficult to remember whats important in life.

katierocket · 21/03/2004 18:49

agree with jimjams et al. Sorry Zerub but I just can't have that much sympathy about disappointment because of gender or nose shape (to pick up on your analogy). if she feels disappointed then she feels disappointed but I really think a reality check is required.

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