WARNING: MASSIVE, SELF-ABSORBED, PROBABLY NOT EVEN HELPFUL POST
Sherida,
You won't recognise my name because I'm new to Mumsnet. I had my DS2 last month so I've gatecrashed this thread and am currently posting weird diets all over the place, ogling Sarah's DH and generally not being much help!
BUT... I had to write to you after reading your heartfelt post about bottle-guilt and bonding issues. I'm so so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you posted because it actually laid a few ghosts for me, from my early weeks with DS1.
I went through everything you've written about. I wanted to bf but he couldn't latch so within 10 days I was ff. It does feel like a "distant" way to feed a baby, but (now) I think that's only an issue if you're feeling uneasy and out of your depth anyway.
My DH fell head over heels for our DS1 immediately, and loved him so effortlessly (not in my self-conscious way) that I quickly withdrew from what I felt was "their" relationship. (This sounds so weird now, btw. Please don't think I'm a nutter.) DS1 was an easy baby and didn't seem to need much cuddling, so I really felt there was nothing I could do for him. I was just a drudge -- the one to remember to sterilise the bottles and load the washing machine while DH did the fun stuff like dressing DS1 up in nice outfits and tickling him, etc.
DS1 seemed content to be passed from person to person in a room, and I felt resentful of that. I wanted his eyes to search for me in the room. In a strange way, I wanted him to feel sad if I wasn't there. I wanted to be the ONE person in the World who could make him feel better. (Like my Mum was for me.) (She ff me, btw.)
Of course, it was all just PND and after a couple of months it lifted. I was on ADs but I think I would have got there anyway, though ADs have their place.
As soon as DH went back to work and the sun came out, I looked at DS1 and realised we had days to fill together. I tentatively started doing things with him. At first I did these hesitantly, expecting him to hate them, but of course he didn't. As my confidence grew, I found I was, in fact, often the only person who knew what he wanted/needed.
But only a few months ago, I got the sign I'd been looking for: we were watching an old video of a holiday we went on when DS1 was almost a year. There's a bit where DH is giving him his lunch. Suddenly DS1 looks out of the window and his face LIGHTS up with a beaming grin. "Mmmm, Mmmm," he says. His head strains around to see the front door, till I appear. I hadn?t realised it at the time, but my DS1 had been watching me come in! All the time he'd been besotted by me and I hadn't a clue!
I promise you, you are the Sun and the Moon to your child and always will be. Don?t let the BF-police make you feel like you?ll never have a proper relationship with your baby unless you're whopping your baps out day and night. If you feel guilty still, use your boobs to entertain your child by drawing faces on them and using them as hilarious puppets. (Call them Pinky and Not-So Perky, if they?re owt like mine.)