I was going to save this till tomorrow, but I'm am totally fed up, trying to do my FECKING TESCO shopping and it just isn't working, so I thought I come rant on here, as I don't want to have to sit and listen to my fecking dad waffel on about football, and my cup of tea is tooo hot to drink at the mo so I have to wait for it to cool down before I can drink it and go to bed.
I just did a very strange thing, L was crying and both the dt's have not been very well the last couple of day's (neither haveI) flu I think, their temps were up to 101f the other day, had me a bit worried.
Anyway I am getting off the subject here arn't I.
I didn't want L to wake Z (cause he'd never go back) up so I sat on the floor next to her cot to stop her from crying, and just started waffleing on some bollock or other, well one thing lead to another and I found myself in tears pouring my heart out to my poor little tot, thank god she is too young to undrstand.
I can feel myself slipping and not being able to cope again, the ad are working but my life (living with my parents and not having dh about) isn't.
I am SOOOOO FUCKed off with my dad, he doesn't give me any help, and prehaps it is that I expect too much from him, but he has now taken it apon himslef to act as a father figure to F, which really pisses me off as I'm not sure weather I told any of you before but that man will never win father of the year award.
He is a mean and horrible man who has no sense of how to talk to children (or act with them if the way I was brought up is anything to go by)
He is acting like a father figure in the worst possible way as well, he is mean and nasty to her, he shouts at her for nothing and today he rather roughly picked her up and shoved her on the stairs, and she said (but she may have been making it up cause she does that) that he hurt her
He is always trying to give me advice on how to handle things with her because at the moment she is far from nice to have about, but who the fuck is he to tell me how to bring up my children when he kicked me out at 16 I hadn't met my brother till i was in my 20's and still haven't met my other sister who has only just since xmas started talking to him.
Even my mum has noticed his mean streak and if I say anything to hi like today he stroms out in a huff and starts slamming doors and acting like a complete child
I have spoken to dh about this and he says that he will be putting extra hours in down our house so we can get in there, and I think it iwll be only a matter of time before dh see's my dad being nasty and gives him a slap.
So while dh is down in our house putting extra hours in I am here with my dad who is no help trying to bring up my children the way i want them to be brought up HAPPY and he is there sticking his oar in making it worse.
Ellie I have so much respect for you bringing up 2 children on your own and i really don't know how you do it.
I feel like a single mother as I am having to everything and it is just so much work, i even have to cook the fucking dinner every day while feeding and looking after the ever miserable z and L who is now on the move and into everything.
And F keeps attacking the dt's when i turn my back to i am pretty much stuffed, i haven't even been able to eat my dinner in 3 days now as I have beeen feeling so shite witht he flu or whatever and by the time I get the kids to bed I am so fucked that I just don't feel like eating it, even if I try i can't.
I know what everyone is going to say, your all going to tell me to go see my Dr, and I'm way ahead of you there I already have myself booked in for friday.
I need some sleep as I have been up every night at some point with the kids for the past month, I have to do the dt's feeds in the morning which can start at 3am or if I'm lucky then 6am, i do get them back to sleep for a bit but then Z always has a shit and I have to get up again and do his nappy and then he doens't want to go back to sleep so I stick him downstairs in his swing, with his music on (my parents sleep downstairs so as naughty of me as it is, I go back to bed and let them deal with him)
I wish I could ask dh for a lie in one moring but I feel far to guilty to do that as he is working so hard and he needs his sleep too and he hasn't got a clue how to look after the kids in the morning so they are quite and don't wake my parents up.
I want him to look after the kids but I just can't ask him as everything he is doing is for us and I agreed to let him spend as much time on the house as he could so i can get out of here.
How sad is this Dh came home the other day because there was a pilates class I had seen advertised at the paly goup, so i thought I'd go along, only I had the wrong day so with the £5 i had in my back pocket i went into the local pub and sat alone with 2 glasses of wine, just to avoid having to put the kids to bed for once.
I would love to ask my mum for some me time as I know she would look after the kids for me but she is doing so much over time and the babies have been ill and waking her up I feeel to bad to even ask her, plus the fact that I owe her £2000 that she lent us while we hadn't rented out our first house, just to keep us afloat, and thank god it did, but everthing has been ripped out the new house and it is costing us sooo much money that I can't afford to pay her back, I would love to but i just haven't got the money at the moment, so the poor thing is working like a crazy woman to pay for some silly holiday which that £2000 would really have helped towards.
F is being such a PITA at the moment, she doesn't listen to a word I say I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall with her and at time I really don't like her, I hate having to have her in the house with me all day every day, following me as she can't be left with the babies, saying NO to EVERYTHING, it's like a constant battle of wills with her and I feel like giving up at times and just doing what dh does and letting her have what ever she wants.
I want to stick her in nursey school a couple of days a week but can't afford it at the moment with all the outgoings we have.
And I touched on another subject in all that Dh and F, oh my god the man has no sense I know he feels bad as he is way all the time, but to spend all day saying to her no you an't have this till you have done this, or no you have to eat this before you have this, adn then o have dh come home and hand her what ever she wants is soul destroying
Don't get me wrong I love the bloke but I wish he would actually take on board some of the stuff i say.
He seems to think that because he is not there he has to be Mr nice and I have to be the Horrible one who makes all the rules and has a shit life trying to stop her turning into a spoilt brat.
i have told him many a time that we should be working as a team, and he has said yes, then the next miniute he is off doing something ridiclous
He puts her to bed and he always takes her up at her bed time 8pm then spend and hours reading fucking stories to her cause he can't say no, then I am stuck with a fucking moody little cow the next day cause she is too tired, nothing I say to him seems to make any difference.
He says that i am just nagging him all the time and should leave hi alone cause he is working his arse off for us all the time, and he jsut wants something to be a little less hassel, WELL what about me and every fucking day with the kids being a fukcing hassle does he think about that!
If I took the easy op[tion i would have 3 dead children on my hands, it is juat stupid that he thinks he can just do this and not have to listen to me rant on about it a little bit. (ok maybe alot)
I need to get out of this house it is like a prison, i am bossed about by my mum who is constantly telling me to 'take the kids out for a walk' or put some washing on, oh and 'F doesn't need her afternoon nap'does she not understand that I am doing the best I cn to have as normal a life as possible with out having the kids missing naps and being miserable and waking them up to go for fucking walks.
I can hang on in there but i REALLY just don't konw for how much longer before I flip out.
Crap I just remebered something else I wanted to get of my chest, Ok I'm on ad's and they are great and I probably shoudln't drink when I'm taking them there not that strong though but what is the odd glass of wine here and there, after a stressfull day just to help calm my nerves and help me to sleep a bit with out things wizzing round my head, it's not like I'm a plonkey or anything, i don't drink much may be a glass or 2 once or twice a week, i don't go out and get pissed I don't even get pissed (not since xmas anyway) so why do i feel like naughty child when I fancy a glass of wine and my mum is about, bugger me it is liek every party of my life is disected about critised for something.
"Elana your rooms a mess there are clothes all over the floor"
Yes but that's beacuse I have no where to put them, the 2 shelves you gave me just aren't big enough, and half of them are still in the sodding suticase's.#
ok I think that is about it now, unless something else pops into my head while I write this.
One good thing is that I am going to be famous again, the same pg magazine want to do a diary of my pregnancy witht he dt( I think I am the only person they know with dt's)
I have already done the interview now just the picture have to be taken, I thought Z's hair was a bit of a mess so i got the clippers out, I mean how hard can it be to cut a babies hair
Well the answer to that is a rather umm Intresting hair cut on my poor boy who just can't keep his sodding head still
So look out for me in some pregnancy mag in march, will most probably post it on here and fb as I get very excited about little things.
Right that is me done and i am DONE IN, I haave had to stop writing this twice to see to crying babies, so I think bed would be a good IDEA for me as I don't think I will getting that much sleep again so best make the most of the time I have now.
I fingers crossed will be back on tommorow but who knows these days, don't forget me.