March 2013 time for shoes!

[Plonkysaurus]

New thread ladies...

That sounds really tough Gerry. I can't imagine that feeling, especially when all you've done is have a baby. Becoming a mother was the most amazing but isolating experience I've ever had.

I take it you're familiar with the term 'Wendy'? It's popular on MN. If you're not, it's a term for a female 'friend' who stabs you in the back and makes out you're the bad guy, thereby sweeping all your friends out from under you. Or frenemy. Anyway. May fantastic little high school had no 6th form. Cos we were all posh innit several of my close friends got shunted across the country into boarding schools and I went to a local all girls 6th form. I got well and truly Wendied and after two year I left school with a failed a-level (through skiving) and one real friend.

She is still a friend but we talk perhaps 3-4 times a year.

University was amazing. I took it for the opportunity it was and it made me happy again. And then we gradually all peeled away from Birmingham for work, relationships etc. I have a hard time making friends (shyness) but I just don't care about that much these days. The backstory explains how I got where I am and I guess I'm kind of at peace with it.

Meant to say happy birthday to Minicant now toddleturn and as the others have said, you've been in my thoughts. Hope the next few weeks go well and in the meantime enjoy the damn cake!

Hmmm. The friends thing, I tend to sound self pitying if I say I don't really have many! Never have. But my best friends from school live in America and Switzerland now. I didn't do uni, and am only just rebuilding bridges with my flat mate of that time (we fell out over her moving her bf into our tiny flat - he was 28 years older and than her and her boss). And more recently I was quite sadly excited to have a growing friendship with a colleague. But a divisive set of promotions followed by me getting pg really put the nail in the coffin. in fact the shameful thing about it is she has become close with another colleague and I actually find it hard not to be jealous which makes me feel like I am about 6 years old

However, I do have one lovely friend. We always had a connection but she had a baby first. I really made an effort to stay in touch then and am so glad I did, esp as her dc2 is only 5 weeks younger than DS!

Confidence - in my work back to where it was though there is never enough time and I hate not being able to pull the late nights to catch up. At home less so. I currently feel very fat - sickness means I've not been to the gym in 3.5 months and I've been comfort eating instead - so body confidence is back on the floor. And our plans re work / home have been fling into disarray by dh work refusing his pt application. So from next month he's back ft. I don't know what to do - feels like haven't managed things very well and that I can't manage to cover him being a sahd which he'd love right now.

eco I sometimes feel very "mumsy" and frumpy, and my body confidence has plummeted. If we're going back to how we felt three years ago, I was in my third year of uni so my confidence is incredibly different now as I was mainly just drunk a lot back then and didn't have any cares I think I need to bite the bullet and sign back up at the gym even if I can't really afford it because I think once I get myself in a position where I can look at myself in the mirror with clothes off without going "eurgh", I'll be well on track to feeling more like myself. As far as confidence with others is concerned, I've always been pretty confident with that. The perks of doing a theatre degree; I'm used to making a fool of myself. But I'm definitely more comfortable with approaching people and talking to strangers. I think, like plonk says, it's easy to hide behind the attention DS gets.

gerry I was 24 when DS was born so I was the first of my friends to have a baby and the majority were very excited, but they're all now following suit so it feels like I'm the grown up one they come to with questions and who I'm handing things down to. I'm meeting a girl from high school next week who I was best friends with but probably haven't seen since 2005 to give her some bits and bobs. Maybe you'll find you'll all get back in touch when your friends start having babies? It sucks that you lose contact but these little ones can bring people together.

Sometimes, I do feel like I only have two sides of me - a mum and a drone at the office where I work. I find myself getting quite miserable about it because, as bad as it sounds, there was so much more to me and it feels like I've lost a lot of it. It seems though, from what everyone is saying, that we all sometimes feel like this and it's completely normal.

Anyway, that's enough rambling from me. I should probably get back to pretending to work. I just wanted to say to you eco that you're definitely not alone in how you feel but from what I can gather, you're far from being a "mumsy" type!!

Eco you have no reason at all to feel down on yourself. You're a lovely warm person and I was thrilled to bits that you took the time to come and visit. I really was. Plus you're a stunner. You probably don't realise that, but you are. I think you are a sensitive soul, tuned into others and at times forget yourself. Where ever you move to you'll find your niche and find a new friendship circle. Clinging to old friends is like a comfort blanket, but one thing I have discovered is that as you move through life only your true friends stick by you, the rest drop you the second their lives take a different track... BUT, as you move about you meet more friends for life, often of very different ages. Since moving here I have made 2 very important friends who have supported me through thick and thin. I would never have predicted that.

As for confidence 3 years ago mine was on the floor. I had a failing marriage, I'd given up my career to house renovate and bitterly regretted it, I'd was shy, depressed and withdrawn. I'd also lost so much weight I had no body confidence and hid myself away.

2 years ago I was just getting myself back on my feet, going to the gym to get healthy, starting to look for a new career when DH let me down so badly. I had to pick myself and be independent. I had no choice and it was the making of me.

Since then my confidence has grown. I love my imperfect body because it provided me with toddleworse and I couldn't be without her. I have many new friends, and also when you've lived through the drama in your personal life that I have, you grow a very thick skin. I don't worry about people talking about me behind my back, because I know for a fact they do. Scandal does that. There is much speculation as to the father of the toddle because I didn't discover my pregnancy until after we had split up. I think the general opinion is she is my personal trainer's. She's not btw, and fortunately is the spitting image of DH.

So finally I think I like myself. It's taken a while, but now when people are off with me I just write it off to experience. In life not everyone will like you and that's ok, and old friends my may drop you for their own reasons and that is ok too. My very best friend of 13 years no longer speaks to me because I took DH back. She is very mixed up, having a) been an OW herself, and b) having had 5 years of IVF to have her kids. In her eyes it isn't fair. I had it too easy.

The last thing, life does get easier as you get older and become more comfortable in your skin. I look back at photos of me in my 20s and I was really very pretty. I had no idea. I was so shy. Now in my 40s I am not at all pretty, I look a little worn, but my confidence in much higher!

We're having a very overfamiliar Friday, aren't we?

Friends are one of those things I probably ought to acquire. I do have some, but most I don't see regularly - one on NZ, one in Cornwall, one in York, and a group on Hull who all have jobs and no kids so I rarely see them (though we're out for one of them's birthday tonight). Only friend I see often lives round the corner, he was a SAHD until his missus dumped him and moved to Chesterfield with the kid, leaving him with no home and no job. How one makes new friends, I do not know. But I've been making the effort to talk to people at our Tuesday morning baby group.

I'm a lot more confident since having DD though. Mainly because her needs have to be attended to regardless of my mental state, so I can't just hide away feeling anxious.

Progress with the man. Cohabitation is not on the menu for the foreseeable, but our facebook relationship statuses are "It's complicated". He's been actually listening to me when I talk. And I have missed him (though not his dirty socks). And, as it's overfamiliar Friday, I shall also say I miss the sex. And the idea of finding some other bloke and having to adjust to boxers rather than sexy knickers doesn't appeal.

Was my last sentence too overfamiliar? Everyone's very quiet...

On the confidence front, I have noticed that these days when I look in a mirror, I can see that I'm fat, but I'm not ugly, and I have excellent pre-Raphaelite hair. This is a far cry from where I was three years ago. Not sure how it came about though.

Hi all :) Happy Birthday to all the toddlers I've missed and especially to Toddlecant whose birthday's today

Toddlewing is 1 tomorrow!! She definitely shared a birthday with another March baby - perhaps leni's or eig's? Unlike for DS who I arranged a little family party for, I've not even had time to get a card for DD

We're having a family trip out to a theme park though with my DPs, SIL and family and my BF and her DD are travelling 2 hours to meet us too so I'm very glad the weather forecast looks dry and sunny for tomorrow.

I've not had a chance to catch up with the thread but I do hope you're all doing well and obviously all the toddlers too. I remember with DS that from about the first birthday I kept thinking to myself that this age is the best but I'd keep changing it as he got older - e.g. 12 months was the best age; then 18 months; then 2 years etc etc. They just get more adorable don't they?

Hopefully I won't leave it this long again before popping back in!

worse sounds like you've been through the mill. to your friend who thinks you've had it too easy!!

pud

Yes eco you've helped make latecomer me feel included on this thread. I'm sure you are as lovely in real life too.

Confidence for me - it's fairly ok. I'm not 100% happy with my body; I miss bring able to spend hours working out and when I do go to the gym I've lost motivation because I'm not as fit. I worked hard to keep up exercise in pregnancy and afterwards when I wasn't totally exhausted (!) and my weight is fine...I think I'll just never be someone who loves their body.
Work wise, having only been back a few weeks it's getting there, there are things I have forgotten but I'm trying to pick that up and relearn stuff. There is one girl there who doesn't make me feel great but I know that's just personal insecurity so I try and ignore that I guess..

Being a mum has been hard though, even today someone commented on what I was feeding DS at baby group , and that made me feel . Eating isn't his strong point and I wanted to tell her to p**s off!!

Anyway. Hugs to all on Over Familiar Friday and happy birthday toddle wing.

Oh and I agree with something - there is a loss of your identity when you become a mum- I feel I'm not very 'me' anymore. Sometimes anyway.

Hi Wing, happy toddle birthday for tomorrow! Enjoy the theme park!

I wanted to think of something to call you all on over-familiar Friday but nothing beats Plonks sexy bastards!

to all!

Hello Wing, good to hear from you! The Eiglet turned one on the eighth - same as mine, but mine's a few hours older. I wonder how they're getting on. Probably miniLeni tomorrow.

DD has learnt to meow!

Wing! How the devil are you? Are you still taking the world by storm? And ugh, judgeypants mothers eh?

Stormy that sounds very cute. Glad your words are having an impact with the man. How are you finding it all, on your own I mean?

Worse in my admittedly short experience, I think you're right about friends. And how dare your 'friend' think you've had it easy?! Even the most straightforward families have tough times, and yours has been far from straightforward. Competitive cow from the sounds of it. Grumble. Are you feeling any better?

Anyway, I've just realised I'm very thirsty from running around after ds all day. Had a lovely lunch with my mum for her birthday so now I'm off to gulp lots of water.

Stormy I'm not entirely sure men take any notice of the type of pants, it's their whereabouts they are concerned with. On the floor is just perfect

Shattered for a period of time my life was like the plot line of a very bad soap opera. It was so bad it was almost funny. Actually it was funny. I had numerous nights in the pub with a friend laughing so much we actually snorted . That's what real friends do, they cheer you up when you're feeling down. As for my 'best friend' well I guess she wasn't a best after all. C'est la vie.

Plonky I'm much better thanks. I sound like an emphysemic smoker, but aside from that, everything feels almost human.

Happy Birthdays to Toddlecant and Toddlewing

Beyond cute development this week. Toddleworse has taken to feeing me her lunch and offering me her teether to chew. Only the bits of lunch she doesn't like mind. No flies on that one

Am feeling a little bad about having a whinge about DH as he's doing so much now he's running himself into the ground. He dropped everything to fly back from Tokyo on the next plane, and picked up at home without even 5 minutes to get over the jet lag. I'm putting myself on the night shift tonight as if he doesn't get some sleep I suspect he might die. Literally.

Night all. Sleep well Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thank you one and all for sharing your thoughts. It's lovely to know I can rely on you all.

Sounds like you have had various trials and tribulations with becoming mothers yourselves. I read 'what mothers do' when I was pregnant. I think I'd get more from it by reading it now.

I like stormy's approach of looking for the positive (and you do indeed have that lovely hair that features in paintings) so I will continue the theme and volunteer my cheek bones as high and my legs as long.

Stormy, do men wear 'knickers' in Hull or am I missing a big point? Pants for boys around here (although Lord only knows what they call them in Bedfordshire!).

Worse as it's over familiar Friday I'm sending a hand thrown plate of smoked fish and other savory treats your way to say thanks for being kind even when you're feeling rough

Happy birthday winglet and turnlet!

I can't damn remember anything else. Brain full of the possibility of living in what was originally constructed as an old persons bungalow but in a lovely area with gorgeous countryside and an awesome kitchen. I'll continue to ponder off thread. I really just dipped in to say thank you. So, to you all and here's to a good weekend for us all.

Don't worry eco, I think worse missed the point too, so you're not alone. Most men in Hull wear pants. I assume, anyway. I haven't actually checked. But I suspect my chances of finding another man who prefers to wear lacy scraps of undergarments are fairly slim. And on that note, I'm off to bed!

Stormy

Happy birthday Gerry! Hope that you have a wonderful day. What a weekend you'll have, with mothering Sunday too. Be spoiled x (so early it still feels like Friday)

Stormy I had considered the possibility of the alternative, but thought no, surely not. He's in famous company though, Doesn't Beckham have similar inclinations? Not that I ever read celeb trash, oh no...

Gerry Happy Birthday. The sun is shining which is a good start to what will hopefully be a great day.

Not sure why I said 'Tokyo'. DH wasn't anywhere near Tokyo. Hong Kong was where he was at.

Eco SIL has a similar bungalow in a lovely area as well, and it has worked out very well. She loves it.

Bit pi55ed off this morning as at 2.30am someone decided to snoop around our garden and steal our bin. I'm pretty sure it's because the council no longer empties overflowing rubbish so they thought they'd just pinch one of ours

Ah Eco it's a long game, this mothering lark isn't it? Every now and then I hear Philip Larkin's words in my head "They fuck you up your mum and dad". Having said that, I have just checked out and ordered the book you mentioned. We're driving to Wrexham today to see the ILs so that should help pass the time. Then tomorrow it's off to the Wirral to see my sister. She's sixteen weeks but apparently looks WELL MASSIVE so I'm excited to see. (Incidentally, Pud and Eco - a whole afternoon, night and next day away from home. Cloth nappies - yay or nay? A source of great consternation for DP, I vote cloth)

Body wise? I have a great rack. And, according to DP, a funny face.

Happy Birthdays to Gerry, ToddleWing and ToddleTurn! (Sorry for the lateness, I hope you all have/had a lovely time)

Stormy a lacy pant? Well I never. Having seen photos of him on facebook I'm now sat here with a look on my face that can only be described as 'somewhat perplexed'.

Could you set the dogs on them, Worse?

Speaking of houses I have my eye on one. There's a few people I need to convince first though. DP. Bank Manager... my dad....

My post got eaten but Plonk I'd do cloth. Then again apparently I'm a hardcore cloth mama too lazy to buy disposables

Really, worse, David Beckham? Well he just went up very slightly in my estimation. I never realised what a good look it was until I saw in the flesh, as it were, and my brain crashed. I want to see Plonky's perplexed face now! You've seen him, Plonk, what kinks would you expect?

We have an awkward conversation coming up though. I came off the pill when he moved out, and I really don't want to go back on hormonal contraception...

Good news: it sounds like my desktop is fixed. Soon I'll be able to namecheck properly again!

I'd upload a photo Stormy but I'm very sweaty and unshowered, having just done the Shred.

How about the copper coil? It's what I got loaded up with last week, and I picked it because I'd begun to detest the thought of flooding my body with synthetic hormones. I don't put much other rubbish in my body besides wine and fags, ahem so why hormones? Other than waiting for the tail end of my cycle it was fine. Except I'm still spotting.

Im back!

Happy birthday toddlewing!

i worked late again last night so no cuddles from ds. He was too busy playing with the mop for any cuddles when I came home then he was tired as he had no nap all day. I have a big issue about childcare next week. Me and mum had a disagreement. She can be very difficult to get on with. I think to protect my relationship with mum I might have to find ds a nursery. Then I am thinking is it worth me working if my salary will be going on childcare.

Re: confidence. It is a mixture. I feel a lot more confident being a mum. I mostly know what ds needs by his cues and I feel able to make friends at groups. At work not so, things have changed and I feel like my brain has been wiped out. Im taking baby steps at work.

re clocks. Im going with the flow I can't be bothered to change ds routine. Im sure I will suffer though.

re friends. Im only close to a couple of friends. They too have children and are married. I have lost touch with single friends. I have also realised some people are not worth being friends with.

stormy im glad you and dp are on talking terms or shall I say underwear swapping terms.

Doctor wasn't terribly helpful when I asked about the copper coil. Asked why I didn't want the mirena, took swabs to check my bits aren't plagued, never rang with the results (although a few days later I went to pick up a prescription from the chemist, which turned out not to be the amitryptiline I was expecting, but rather canesten, so I guess my bits were slightly plagued). Tried to book an appointment to get the thing fitted. No appointments available until a few weeks later, refused to let me book that far in advance. So if I go down that route it'll probably take a while.

At the moment though, I feel like me. Just like I did in those brief weeks between giving birth and going back on the pill. Might just tell the man we can chance it with withdrawal and hope he agrees.