Success after miscarriage- Lets give thanks

[cori]

I feel a little bit bad about starting this thread just now as there have been heartbreaking stories on mumsnet over the past couple of days. Ladies our thoughts are with you.

This antenatal club is particularly special, as after a long difficult nine months for all of us we are now the lucky ones who get to hold our beautiful little babies. There are lots of challenges ahead for us, of course. but hopefully we can all continue to offer support , advice and friendship during the more happy times

oops, just noticed it as yesterday! hope she had a lovely day petunia and the cake went down well!

I'm hoping that some of you can tell me that what I'm feeling is normal/typical. I've had 'success after miscarriage', I have a beautiful son who is a few months old now. All is going well, he has two big sisters, and I would say that we are a big happy family. I love them all dearly, ds is great, feeding and sleeping pretty well, and fills me with joy (sorry to be cheesy) when he gives me one of his gorgeous grins. But we are fast approaching one year since I had my miscarriage, and I suppose I'm feeling a bit confused.

As I've said I love him v much and we are a happy family, but then I feel guilty that I'm not crying about the lost baby. When I do think about the baby we lost, I then feel guilty that I'm not satisfied with what I have got. Aren't emotions confusing?

I think that part of the problem might be that I got pregnant very quickly after the miscarriage (this wasn't intentional, it was literally a one off, dh and I trying to feel normal), and although this pregnancy has been straight forward (knackering, etc but no proper concerns), it has been tough going past the lost babies due date, and now approaching the mc date, etc. I can feel quite rational at times about the baby we lost, it was at about 9 weeks, it clearly wasn't meant to be, whereas ds was meant to be.

I don't think it helps that dh and I are exhausted by the time we get a chance to sit and talk to each other. He is very supportive, and helps out loads, but he is probably just as muddled up as me.

Can I just put this down to hormones and tiredness playing havoc with my rational mind. For those of you who have gone through this, (and I guess most with a thread title like this one), did you feel the same? Can you suggest anything I can do to help?

Thanks.

Hello,

I've only just seen your message. I think what you are feeling is normal. I think you do still grieve for your lost one, but time heals plus I think the grief can be eclipsed by the joy of holding a new baby in your arms.
I felt guilty as the 1st anniversary of my m/c slipped by without me noticing, but then ds was about 6 weeks old and consuming all my intention.
Like you, I conceived fairly quickly after the m/c, though that was deliberate as my original pg had been planned.
Do you feel you allowed yourself enough time to grieve properly when you had your m/c?

HI All

sorry i have been away and crazily busy, as we all are, but all going well.

Daisy_ OMG, OMG, what a terrible scare you had with dd, I'm so glad she is OK. i think i would have a cardiac arrest if it was me, especially being pg i don't copw well with stress in pg.

BTW -I'm sorry, what happened with feedme? is there a link?

I bet your pg is going super fast now? how is it all the third time around?

2wasgood3isbetter - Welcome, love your name.
I know how you feel and i think it is so normal for many of us. I have 2 ds now but have had 4m/c's before and in between. i feel lucky to have any dc's but i guess part of me feels very empty/lost too. i always think of my lost ones. I think of how different i would feel if i never had any losses, i guess it takes some of the joy away, as you always wonder what could have been.
I guess I cope by cuddling my LO's extra hard and think how lucky I am to have two healthy ones. I also think about having a third, as i worried so much with my first baby i couldn't enjoy the pg or the newborn phase.

If you are feeling very overwhelmed by grief, it could be something more, and maybe it would help to talk to a counsellor. I always feel happier/best after some good sleep, so maybe some r&r would help too.

Bouncing -hi, i don't remember my anniversaries much either now. due dates more, but would find it too overwhelming to remember all. how is LO?

my little august baby is going well, crawling and has 4 teeth, also trying to stand all the time. he is growing up too fast.

Uki - great to hear from you! Wow crawling and teeth! Doesn't time fly!

DS is now 19 weeks, can hold his head up without any problems and is trying to sit up - when he is in his bouncy chair, or sat between my legs he leans himself forward. He managed to sit up for a few seconds unaided [proud mummy icon].
Teething quite a bit, comes and goes not too bad atm. And last night he did a 5.5 hour stretch
He chuckles like mad, thinks his daddy is the funniest thing ever and is extremely ticklish under the chin
Every day I fall more and more in love with him, he is utterly wonderful. I thank God that I am blessed to have a wonderful healthy child.

Sadly Feedmenow lost her little girl who was stillborn at 39 weeks, she was cremated a couple of weeks ago.
Feedmenow has started a thread for bereaved mummies to share the load. She has been so strong and amazing, I honestly don't know how she managed not to break apart after such a terrible tragedy, but I guess she has had to hold together for her other kids and her DH.

Thanks for words of reassurance. I think I was going through a bit of a bad time due mainly to exhaustion and overactive imagination. I think I just have to accept that there are days when I need to cry, and that is ok.

I had some counselling soon after the mc which helped. I feel as though its a hidden sort of grief, and as there are no real memories especially for other people, the baby never crops up in conversation, not like when someone dies. I don't want to forget about the baby, and I know I never will but ... now I'm starting to ramble. I think sometimes I'd be better off having a good old cry rather than trying to put how I feel into words.

I had been worried that how I was feeling might be something more, but I don't feel like this all the time and generally feel happy and relaxed. I seem to remember finding the 8 week age quite tough with the others, probably due to the novelty of sleep deprivation wearing off more than anything else!

Thanks again.

Glad we helped!
That is the thing about m/c, the baby you have lost is only real to yourself and your dp.

Bouncing- thanks for filling me in, about feedmenow. i did find her thread, i'm just absolutely heartbroken for her and her family. She sounds so brave. I wish I could take away all the pain though

Definitely puts things into perspective, we are very lucky to make it here, as overwhelming as it all can be sometimes.

2wasgood- ah we all need a bit of a type it out sometimes, feel free to come back on if you want to chat about this or anything

It's all a bit quiet -where's daisy, firsty, mrsmc, petunia and mom?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Hello ladies! So sorry its been so long since I posted. I don't know if you'd remember me but I used to post on the pg after m/c thread. I had baby Cerys on 2nd Sept '07 and she is a real darling. We had a bit of a rough journey at the beginning though - she was born with an imperforate anus which meant she had to have a colostomy at 3 days old. They then identified a heart problem and she had emergency heart surgery at 9 weeks old. The reconstruction was at 14 weeks old and then the colostomy reversal at nearly 6 months old. She is now 8 months old and she is doing really well. She still has problems with constipation so we're currently giving her regular suppositories - not sure if they will need to be continued or not...

So so sorry to hear about feedmenow, my heart really goes out to her and her family . I was with my SIL when she had to give birth at 23 weeks and I was the only one to see her lo afterwards; it really was heartbreaking. My m/c's were both at 10 weeks and I often feel guilty for grieving them when I know that others have been through so much worse. All our lo's are so so precious, any loss is devastating. I really empathise with what you went through 2wasgood3isbetter as I fell with Cerys very soon after my last m/c, then we had all of the above to deal with so I don't feel like I've had a chance to process it properly. This thread has helped me to re-visit my feelings, in a positive way though so I thank you ladies

Well, Cerys is sitting up and clapping and loves standing up (assisted so far). She is such a happy baby, especially considering what she has been through and only grizzles when she has a reason. Lately that reason has been teething and we have got two lovely little teeth to admire now so it was all worth it! She sleeps 7-7 which is amazing as well as a few naps in the daytime - I couldn't have wished for more! (especially as my other two were just as amazing!!!).

Lovely to see all the old names on here - I promise I'll try to keep more up to date with this thread from now on. I'm not on the computer much these days but will make sure this is further up on my 'threads I'm watching' list lol!

Love to all xxxxx

PLP - of course I remember you
I'm so glad to hear Cerys is doing so well, i remember all the worries you had when she was first born. What a brave wee soul
she is. And utterly gorgeous - love her pigtail pic, what lovely she hair she has!

Hello all, lovely to hear so much from you all!

Bouncing so glad that Daniel has been giving you a little more sleep!

Daisy, what a scary time you have had, glad that Emily is okay now and your pg is going well!

Purple, Cerys is gorgeous! She sounds like a really lovely little thing too despite all she has been through in her little life. I too have been lucky with my children, Evie is a calm and happy baby who sleeps well and so were my boys.

Hi Uki! Bless LL - crawling and teeth! Can't believe how the time flies so fast. Evie is 18 weeks now and cut her first tooth on Friday, am going to miss her gummy smiles but she is going to look so cute when the little tooth gets bigger!

2wasgood, hiya! I think what you say about m/c being hidden grief is exactly right, it is carried around with you and rarely spoken about. I am always amazed how many women have suffered losses and yet it is not something openly talked about.

Morning all,
Well, having promised that I'd try and post more, I've done a lousy job- not one post for over a month! It didn't help that I had the mother of all stomach bugs for a week after Emily's birthday! Glad to see everyone's LO's are doing well, especially PLPs!

Emily's doing well. I'm a bit worried about her language though. She only knows a few words and isn't really joining any words together. She seems to understand lots and is able to follow instructions, so hope she'll catch up language-wise soon enough.
This coming weekend is the 3rd anniversary of my mc. Don't know what's different this year but seem to be under a bit of a black cloud at the moment. Nothing seems to lighten my mood. Trying to keep busy helps a bit so I'll perhaps go and do a bit more of that!

Hi petunia, have only just noticed your message!
Sorry to hear it the anniversary coming up, sympathies to you, it is always poignant though, thinking of the baby that never was
Daniel is doing well, he just started on solids in the last few days, he is nearly 24 weeks. Just a bit of baby rice in the afternoon, he is absolutely loving it!!

Hi all

just came across this thread - I had been on the preg after miscarriage thread but stopped posting as i'd had a few probs - I remember a few names from there.
Baby Adam 8lbs 3 arrived 10 april after an emergency section. We are so blessed that he is healthy and well.

Hi Positive, I remember you! Glad to see another success story

hi positive again and congratulations.

hi again BT...hope the feeding has settled down some and you are getting to grips with weaning. what happened with the BFing calendar idea? Ms took over and I lost track of MN for a few weeks.

we really need to keep this one running don't we? it falls off my radar every so often, which is terrible as I'm on MN every flipping day!

I'm now 19 weeks and will have my big scan on the 23rd. Been feeling very small and gentle movements for a few weeks now, but this baby seems much more subdued than my iother two have been. I'm trying not to worry about it, but there is always a niggle at the back of my mind that something is wrong. I've also lost 13lbs since finding out I was pregnant, but bump appears to be growing well so I'm counting my lucky stars on that one.

Emily had her first birthday last week...the year has just flown by so quickly (which means this pregnancy is as well so that's one good thing about it . she is into everything and has a very feisty personality. i caught her climbing on a small wooden chair today to get stuff off the worktop.....and she regualrly empties the recycling boxes all over the floor. Yesterday it was eating that mornings left over cereal by the handful out of the bin . i need child locks on everything, as well as eyes in the back of my head. It's going to be doubly entertaining when DC3 arrives

did anyone see feedmenow's news?

Evening all,

Congratulations positive on Adam's arrival.

BT- glad the baby rice is going down well.

Well, yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mc. After 4 days of feeling v. miserable earlier in the week, my mood got better on Wednesday. The rose that I planted in rememberance is just about to flower as well- it's got lots of buds on it.

Daisy- I'm trying to keep posting but often life gets in the way! I dip into MN most days but don't get much time to post, and often end up dashing between topics trying to catch up on news, but then often end up missing things that have happened! I did read what had happened to feemenow. Is she expecting again?

I can't believe your Emily's a year old; I would have said she was 10months old or so! What's the fascination with bins! My Emily started finding things to put in the bin a few months ago! Everything from toys, dolls and even my shoes ended up in there! I had to look through the bin before putting it in the wheeliebin outside several times!
Can't believe you're 19 weeks already! Perhaps you think that this LOs quiet on the movement front, because it's quite early on and you're not aware of big movements like you will be later on. Perhaps mention to the midwife your worries about the weight loss next time you see her.

Hope everyone else and their LOs are well.

Hello!

Daisy - wow, a year old!!! Glad to hear your pg is progressing well
Yes I heard FMN's news, how wonderful for her, though she must be finding it really tough, the poor lass.

Petunia - glad you are feeling better, and how lovely about your rose! Daniel has now had broccoli, cauliflower, sweet potato and fruity cereal!

good to know you are all still out there... my wee one is nearly 7 months now and she is so gorgeous. there are a few of you who knew my mum was ill and i feel i need to tell you that she died 7 weeks ago.. it has been so hard but hannah has helped me through it all.

anyway, lovely to hear about your wee ones, take care everyone love from hotchoc x

Oh Hotchoc, as soon as I saw your name here I thought of your mum.
I'm so sorry, but I'm glad she got to meet your dd - I hope you have lots of pictures of them together to show Hannah when she is older, so she knows what a wonderful Grandma she had.
My Ds is 6mo on Friday, he is hard work but so lovely, I'm so grateful for him!

Oh, hotchoc, I'm sorry lovely . We lost my mum in January and it is very hard, especially knowing that she won't see the DCs growing up.

7months already...wow.....I think of all you lot as ages behind me, which in pregnancy terms you were, but once they are out in the world a few months is nothing

Had my 20 weeks scan today and all is apparently well with all normal measurements....and it;s a blue one

DS is made up, but thinks we should call him Virgil (after Thunderbirds)

Hi All

news hotchoc, very sorry to hear about your mum. glad to hear dd is so well, they are lovely and smiley at that age

daisy- congrat's on the healthy boy your pg is going super fast.

LL will be a year old, in less than 2 months, amazing how fast that's going. I'm looking forward to making him a no.1 cake

Hi Uki...how are you? We need to try and keep this thread bumped; it keeps falling off my "threads I'm on"!

I'm adding some of DDs birthday pics to my profile

Wow, what great pix - your dd had a great day by the looks of it!

What's wrong with Virgil btw

lol, we were thinking something more sedate...Virgil might grow on me though

actually we can call the bumo that, or tell people that's our chosen name...that'll shut them up quick smart

DD had a ball. i left off the last jelly photo; she was covered in it from the top of her head to her neck and from ear to ear, after she tried to lick the bowl