Rehomed our dog, so so sad

[Loonaandalf]

I just need to talk, not many people understand the love you have for your dog. We sadly rehomed one of our dogs on Saturday. For no other reason really other than he’s just too big (35kg), he’s a rescue and we’ve had him 4 years. We had a baby in January and the space has just decreased month by month as baby starts to crawl etc. We have another much smaller dog and thought about rehoming her too but chose the big dog in the end as he just seemed to never have space to lie anywhere comfortably. I now regret so much moving into this place, we bought when inflation rates were sky high two years ago which meant we had limited choices on where to buy, our budget was so limited and we live in the suburbs of london so it’s quite expensive. It’s really just a flat with a non direct access garden, we managed quite well until the baby was born and it has just become so difficult space wise recently. Our big dog would just squeeze into any area he could (he’s not into his bed) so I’d constantly be tripping over him with the baby. He was becoming jumpy/ nervous as I was constantly saying things like ‘move’ or accidentally bumping the high chair off him.

Our friends have taken him for a two week trial, although I think they will keep him for good and the term ‘trial’ was more to soften the blow for us. They have more time and much more space, they live closer to countryside but less than a 1.5 hour drive away so we can still see him. He’s a bit nervous in their home but is gradually starting to relax more they’ve said.

We have agreed to take him back for a week end of October as they are going away so it’s good we’ll see him. I am slightly worried that could unsettle him (and us) though.

I’m heartbroken beyond belief and if I had have know I’d feel this bad, I don’t think I would have done it, I felt sort of ok with the idea up until we actually left him. Part of me thought we wouldn’t go through with it. I regret so much moving to a small home, tbh we knew it was small but got a good price at the time when we were struggling to find somewhere, we also thought a baby wouldn’t happen as we needed IVF but luckily it happened very quickly. We sort told ourselves, we’ll manage at the time, and sell in a few years when we grow out of it but it’s been 1.5 years exactly since we’ve moved in and I don’t see us moving to a bigger space at least for 3-4 years. I just feel stupid and guilty that we didn’t consider things a bit more, we probably could have looked harder or moved slightly further out back then, we knew a baby was on the cards so shame on us for not planing a better move at the time. He’s such a perfect dog and I miss him so much. Part of me wants them to call us and say this isn’t working, take your dog back so then I wouldn’t have to make this awful decision. I know that would be silly, they’ll have more time for walks, attention and stimulation. I have barely pet the dogs since the baby was born and I feel so bad about that.

I mean he hasn’t changed size has he? You knew how big he was when you moved into a tiny house and had a baby..

To me it sounds like he's better off and should stay there. Please don't think about bringing him back.

Some of the replies have been rancid haven't they? Just pure nasty, vile, and cruel.

That's OK. I feel your pain, and some people have been so cruel to you. But PLEASE don't keep taking the dog back 'to look after him' as you will confuse him terribly. It may just MAY be OK to visit (and if they're your friends you will do that maybe occasionally,) but leave it a good few months (maybe til after Christmas) to let him adjust to his new home. I know you don't want to let him go, but you will upset and confuse him, and he has already had enough upheaval. Look after yourself and do the right thing. ❤ Let these people have him, don't see him for some months, and he will be fine!

There have been some peak batshit comments on here haven't there?

There really have. I'm starting to think owning dogs makes some people go nuts.

I can never fathom why some people think that dogs are equivalent to humans.

👏

This🖕

Depends what charity you used I guess? Our cats have a fab life in our foster homes. They aren't 'passed around' . We cater to their every need and can give them the time and space they need. You are probably going against the adoption contract you signed. They might have a waiting list of people looking to adopt certain breeds of dogs. It sounds as though you adopted a large breed dog and didn't do proper research in the 1st place tbh 🤷‍♀️

Just remember that rescue dogs have to go back to the rescue they came from. If you got him from a reputable shelter you would have signed to agree this. I really hope it works out for him with your friends but if not, you should be contacting the rescue he came from.

If it doesn’t work out he would still be better in foster etc than being with you it seems. Your irritation will be felt by him.

Yes “Life happens” but you should not get a dog if you have not thought through all the possible permutations of your future life and can accommodate them. OP got the dog, moved to a small house and had a baby, so it could all have been foreseen. I doubt that OP has legal entitlement to pass the dog on if it came from rescue as the adoption papers always specify that the dog needs to be returned to them. Poor dog.

I think you should take commenters telling you not to take him back for hols with a BIG pinch of salt as a lot of them just seem to be delighting in twisting the knife and it’s clear that you feel positive about seeing him sometimes.

I really think it depends on the dog how this will impact him. My dog, who enjoys going to dog sitters and runs into their houses and plonks herself down on their couch the moment they open the door, would definitely prefer to have little holidays with us if we had to re-home her to friends.

Only you know your dog. We have absolutely no reason to believe anyone on here is a “dog expert” and even if they were there is a lot of absolute quackery in the dog world (see “pack theory” for one).

Just follow your instincts, if it seems like your dog isn’t settling or is confused then you can stop having him for holidays - but it could also work out nicely and be very helpful for your friends to have the convenience and reassurance of free dog sitting when they need it.

Humans come first, every time. I don't believe rehoming an animal is traumatic in the long run if the right home is found and sometimes it's necessary.

I gave up my cat because he was a health hazard to us and our children. I was so upset but I couldn't cope anymore and we really had tried everything short of making him live outside permanently which wouldn't have been fair on him. Having kids made us let go quicker than we might have done (3 solid years) instead of giving it that little bit of extra time (maybe 4 years) but even the behaviourist thought rehoming would be best.

Yes that was what I was thinking, he’s always loved other people, loves attention and used to lie at the door waiting when dog walkers left him back at ours so I do think he would be ok. If it unsettles him too much we won’t do it. I’m going to speak to our friends more about it, maybe a walk with him first in a few weeks to see how he copes with that. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just have him back, wish I could turn back time and never move here. All easier said than done. It was so stressful finding a place at the time,

@Bloodyscarymary can you tell me a bit more about the dog that goes back and forth to their owners? How do they navigate having a routine for him?

Yes of course that’s what you’re thinking. Ignore the advice of several posters, including at least two who are experienced in helping rehome discarded dogs, because it’s what you want.

In your dogs eyes you have abandoned him. You’ve left him. If you start taking him back whenever you want, how is he ever going to build a bond with your friends and really have a better life (and move on), like you claim you want)?

You chose this. You don’t get to flip flop now and play with a living creatures feelings to make yourself feel better. That’s not what being a responsible owner is.

You either prioritise the dog, or your prioritise yourself. Contrary to what PPs with very little dog experience tell you, there’s no win/win. No one is ‘twisting in the knife.’ We are experienced owners/fosterers/ adopters/people who help rehome discarded dogs, and we are telling you it will not be in the dogs benefit. It will not work.

Going to a dog sitters is a million times different than being dumped for a month, then taken home. Then dumped again. Quite frankly, anyone who can make that comparison is pretty dim.

@Loonaandalf you asked about dogs who go back and forth. This is with the caveat that we weren't/ hadn't given our dog up so emotionally probably very different. They also are not rescues, so history different too.
Anyhoo...
Our collective pack have and still go back and forth around extended family and their dogs. Both when we all go, and to stay when a set of humans go on holiday and it's not dog friendly. They have their own bag that is brought out, they see their blankets going in, along with food, snacks etc. They know they're off on holiday, and will choose a toy to take too. We unpack all this at the other end. Family do similar with their dog if he's come to stay with us. We used language of 'going to x's' for going, then 'going home' for the reverse.
I think having two homes can work if you don't make a big fuss and if it becomes part of dog's routine. Much earlier in our lives, before we lived together, my partners original dog ended up living with me after a while. We travelled back and fore, sometimes dog stayed at his original home without me. He was fine, as long as he had his bed and his toys with him. It was my partner who really didn't do well with the dog not being there all the time anymore.
I hope your arrangements work out.

Thank you, we’re going to only take the dog back for visits if he is comfortable
with it, if it doesn’t work, we won’t do it. I personally couldn’t see him now without crying so I couldn’t do it now. I’m hoping I’ll be at peace with the decision the next time I see him. I got a photo of him this morning on his countryside walk, he also had a really good night and slept well, seems to be happy they said. It hurt me to hear that because it seems more final now, if I thought he wasn’t settling I might be tempted to say let’s just take him back but it seems this is his new home now. At the same time, I’m happy he is happy there. They’re giving him more than we can at the moment and that’s hard to admit.

@Loonaandalf thats fantastic OP! You’ve done the right thing here, in his best interests. Enjoy your baby and don’t think too much more about it (easier said than done, I know!)

Some posters on here are batshit. Ignore them.

Perhaps you can get some advice on this arrangement from where you adopted him from?

They will know his history and will have a lot of professional expertise more generally.

A big dog in a small place is difficult, especially without direct garden access and you need to be able to take them out a lot for long walks several times a day.

I don’t agree those who are going to want DC fairly soon are good candidates for adopting a dog, better to adopt a dog into the established family, not sure why this isn’t part of the vetting process.

I agree. It should be part of the vetting process, and I also think owning instead of renting makes you a better candidate. I see that now, these are things I just didn’t know back then. I’m not contacting the rescue as we had issues with them, it’s a long story but they lied about his health problems basically and we kept him despite that as was already moved here from another country to be adopted by us. The rescue knew we wouldn’t/ couldn’t go back on him easily so lied about his health pretty much. I don’t trust them really. We’re actually still paying for his medication, we’ll do that for as long as he lives even though it’s not cheap.

Saying that when we were renting we had more space than we do now that we own.

@Loonaandalf I’ll ask them them how they managed it next time I bump into them and let you know.

Don’t beat yourself up any further about this - you’ve done the right thing for your dog and are not a bad person or a bad dog owner either.

No please don't get any pets. They aren't disposable commodities.