Is husband exploiting daughter or is this ok?

[PelucheCat]

I need some help with reality please. I'm going to try and just post the facts.

DH works away.
DD is student at uni in expensive UK city.
DH has now got job there, and rented a flat.
DH has asked DD to move in, and pay 50% of rent and 50% bills.
DH has a very good wage.
Turns out DD won't be on the tenancy agreement.
DH would be subletting as it's only a one bedroom flat, agency not aware.
Total for DD would be same as she's already paying.

I would like to know what others think about this situation. Thanks.

Yes, picked it up and amended as our PPs crossed.

The university can have practical safeguards in place and perhaps help with housing if you make them aware of the situation @PelucheCat Sadly I have known even postgrad students to need this kind of support. Transparency and a paper trail will be good. Very very best wishes to you. I do not know if anyone has mentioned the Freedom Programme or Women's Aid?

Good luck going forwards @PelucheCat , and congratulations on finally opening those eyes

He's trying to make your daughter your replacement.

Wildly unhealthy and toxic.

Him not putting her on the lease leaves her at risk for homelessness. Plus I would bet he'll have her doing all the domestic work as well as having control of what she does and who she sees.

This is a dangerous setup and not even close to being in the best interests of your daughter.

This. It's exactly what he's doing, lining up Useful Woman No 2. Thank god it's not going to happen.

Well done to your DD.

Tell her to just tell her dad that she doesn’t want to live with him.

I’m not really understanding the hysteria on here from some posters - some suggesting it’s incest or he has an unhealthy attraction to his DD?!!

If my DD hated where she was living and I was moving to the same city and had a spare room, then of course I’d suggest her living with me.

I was going to offer my niece somewhere to stay if she gets in to the uni near where I live - now I’m reluctant as people may accuse me of having an unhealthy interest in her!

He sounds like a stingy bastard and I wouldn’t move in with him but there’s nothing to suggest he fancies his own child.
Some people’s minds on here are a bit messed up.

OP you say he’s a very high earner and you’re planning on divorcing him - can’t you do that sooner rather than later and then you can help DD out financially and get her away from the place that she hates living.

Hi OP. Just wanted to suggest that you stop asking for a divorce and just speak to a legal professional in your country to kick off the process. He doesn’t sound like a reasonable person who would give you anything you ask for, so take control and just start the divorce x

(edited for random autocorrect)

Aside from the inappropriateness of his suggestion, won't she already have accommodation sorted out for next year? Most students seem to have organise their next year's accommodation in the autumn term and she could lose a deposit or be liable to find someone to replace her. It really doesn't sound as if there's any benefit for her at all.

Help her find alternative accommodation. Go visit her and support her to look around alternatives. If she’s even considering it, it sounds like she’s not confident enough to find something new herself. No one would choose to live with their dad otherwise surely.

What's in it for her?

Sounds very dodgy and controlling. She doesn't need that shit in her young life. Is he trying to control what boyfriends she may spend the night with or something like that?

Advise her to avoid!

Well the update if daughter doesn’t want to / won’t changes it all
but if that wasn’t the case it would be

• how does it compare to price of current rent - she should be saving a fair bit on this option with dad
• how often would he be there
• does she want to

Well done to both you and your daughter for recognising what this is really about. Good luck in the future with extricating yourself OP and I hope your daughter flourishes.

OP hats off to you for facing this issue head on. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Wishing you all the best with your divorce and your future happiness away from this unpleasant, manipulative man.

Well done OP and good luck for your and your daughter's future.

Can hardly believe the nerve of this very well paid father not only not financially supporting his daughter at uni but proposing to TAKE a chunk of her student loan/minimum wage part time job money to subsidise himself! Shameful excuse for a human being!

It sounds like he is trying to take control of her life. Now that he has lost his coercive control of you because of the upcoming divorce. He can get his kicks out of controlling her life, while acting like he's the nice guy by giving her a place to stay. But it will all be at his whim as he's the named tenant. A bonus for him will be knowing that he will upsetting you by having control over your daughter.

She should completely reject his idea.

An absolutely bizarre suggestion. Almost sinister.

Sounds like you and DD have made the right choices.

It sounds like you're making the right decision op. If your internal alarm bells are ringing then that's enough to listen to.

I can’t imagine any advantage for her. Imagine going on a night out and meeting a boy and bringing him back to your Dad’s flat. Ergggg.

I assumed parents paid their children’s rent whilst they were still studying not CHARGE them rent!

Your 'DH' is either extremely mean, or controlling or something even more unsavoury. Why wouldn't you and her tell him right where to get off?

So if you lived in the same city as your child who hated where they were living, you wouldn’t suggest them moving in with you?

@PelucheCat your update.

All the very best in getting away from this prick. You deserve so much better.

Glad you’ve managed to see through him now, and got through to your daughter.

@PelucheCat

Yes DH is DD's father. She's 22, and (at the moment[ sociable and independent.
Flat has separate lounge, to be used as bedroom 2.
The family moved to France in 2017, DH returned to work in UK and now only comes back every two weeks.

Am slowly suspecting/becoming aware I've been in a controlling, coercive marriage. The reality of this is confusing and unbelievable.

I now find it suspect that he's found a job in the same city as DD.

My fear is that slowly, without her noticing, she'll become dependent on him, loose her friends, confidence, everything. It's so slow and and manipulative you don't even notice.

It sounds like a very strange set up - first of all getting a job in the same city, then convincing DD to flat share & lastly expecting her to pay half from her loan/part time wage. If he’s well paid I don’t imagine she will be eligible for a full loan & so she’s probably already having to make up the shortfall herself.

He sounds controlling and mean.

Just a scheme to have more control over his daughter who he obviously sees as his own property, he will go nuclear when you tell him she's not doing what he wants.

Will you be safe OP? Can you have someone with you when you tell him or can you move out to somewhere he doesn't know and tell him by phone or text?

Hysteria is a sexist word and idea.
Most abuse happens in families.
I have training in this area.
Lose your illusions and support young people.