Is husband exploiting daughter or is this ok?

[PelucheCat]

I need some help with reality please. I'm going to try and just post the facts.

DH works away.
DD is student at uni in expensive UK city.
DH has now got job there, and rented a flat.
DH has asked DD to move in, and pay 50% of rent and 50% bills.
DH has a very good wage.
Turns out DD won't be on the tenancy agreement.
DH would be subletting as it's only a one bedroom flat, agency not aware.
Total for DD would be same as she's already paying.

I would like to know what others think about this situation. Thanks.

This. 100 per cent.

It is the prime time in her life to spend time with people her own age in a place where there are so many new things to do. Learning to live independently without parental supervision.

I can imagine someone wanting a bit of money towards bills if she had a full time job but when she's actually a student and he's asking for 50% rent and bills.... jog on. Where would she even study in a one bed flat share?

What kind of parent wants to profit from their daughter financially.. I'm guessing he's thinking about her maintenance loan for the rent.. which she will have to pay back over the years.

She'd be mad to agree to this. He should be supporting her not the other way around.

No lounge, and no financial incentive - why would she say yes?! Very bizarre.

Still deeply weird and not 'all good'.

I’d still be advising Daughter not to do it, and I still think it’s weird.

It is not a bedroom each it is a bed in the living room - Two different things. There is zero benefit to this for your daughter and all the benefit your husband IE he pays less rent and presumably will have her doing chores that he would have been doing himself. if I was your daughter I would say no. Not only is she missing out living with friends and fellow students She's also potentially I'm going to the bottom of the list of sharing future accommodation when he's finished working in that city.

This is so inappropriate I am almost wondering if he has some kind of inappropriate interest in her.

If it’s genuinely just to save a buck when he can easily afford not to that is also bizarre and off putting, though obviously infinitely less concerning.

Your poor daughter being put in this position. Nobody wants to share a tiny space and no living room with their dad as a student. It will massively impact her lifestyle choices at a developmental point in her life. And her friends might well think she is strange for agreeing to such an arrangement so it might negatively impact her social life. I really hope none of you go ahead with this preposterous plan. Please advocate for your daughter’s freedom!

Thank you so much for your responses, they are appreciated! I wasn't safe to respond earler, and I wanted to read them all.

Yes DH is DD's father. She's 22, and (at the moment[ sociable and independent.
Flat has separate lounge, to be used as bedroom 2.
The family moved to France in 2017, DH returned to work in UK and now only comes back every two weeks.

For numerous reasons I've asked for a divorce.
Am slowly suspecting/becoming aware I've been in a controlling, coercive marriage. The reality of this is confusing and unbelievable.
DH presents as Mr Nice Guy, but with hidden agression. DD hates her current flat as very small and horrible shared loo etc.
I believe he's been grooming her into this, with gifts, lifts, support, meals etc.
I now find it suspect that he's found a job in the same city as DD.
He tried to sell it to me as a place where we could all stay when we visit the UK.
My fear is that slowly, without her noticing, she'll become dependent on him, loose her friends, confidence, everything. It's so slow and and manipulative you don't even notice.
But I posted for confirmation because I've lived with this for so long that you doubt your own reality. Divorce is crap enough, without also realising you were married to a dangerous lunatic.
Daughter has seen the situation now, will get counselling at Uni.
It will be me who breaks the news that she won't be moving in, as he has been aggressive in the past, and a meltdown is possible.
I hadn't realised it could affect her student loan, thank you, makes sense.
Thanks again for all your posts. I needed to see them.

Of course it makes a difference.

OP has said it’s a very expensive city.
If he’s paying her rent for her and has now got to pay his own rent in that city on top and the mortgage on the family home (3x rent/mortgages), then I can see why he’s trying to save money.

DD has much less choice if he is paying her rent.

It would be no different to her going to uni in her home town and OP saying she’s not going to pay her rent to live in halls when she can live at home.

However, if she’s paying her own rent then DH has no say at all.

The biggest issue is the 1 bedroom but I have heard that this is quite common in places like London.

Presumably DH will be back home on weekends with OP.

Can't believe he earns a good wage and wants his student daughter to share all the bills. What a tight fisted arsehole. If it was me I'd let her live there for free. Gah, I hate tight people!

Your update does make it a more sensible suggestion.

If she hates where she’s living as a student and her parent has a flat with a spare room in the same city, then he’s not unreasonable to suggest it.

My niece is planning to go to a uni near me and as long as it doesn’t affect her student loan etc then I’d be happy for her to stay at mine.

The biggest issue is whether she actually wants to live with her parent or does she want to be more independent.

The fact she lives in a different country suggests she doesn’t want to live with her parents and is he controlling/manipulating her into living with him.

How much does she hate her current address and can she afford to move?

Is she the type to stand up for herself or does she typically do what you both say?

The biggest problem is the creep factor, real or just perceived. Why should she hang the albatross of "Daddy Dearest" with two of them in a 1 bed flat. Ick ick ick ick ick.

Good luck OP. You are doing the right thing to protect your daughter.

Your soon-to-be Ex-DH sounds like controlling narcissist and is obviously trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter. His motives are despicable and I'm so glad that you and your DD have woken up to what he is doing.

This is why I want to know whether he pays her rent currently.

If he does, then it’s understandable that he is going to stop giving her the money and use it on the new rent instead.

If she doesn’t pay her rent/supplement her income then he is a very greedy man and that alone would make me not move in with him.

So many things wrong with this.
How is this even possible idya only one bedroom?

She has flown the nest, she needs to find her independence not living with daddy ;).

Also. Yes charging her half is a lot !

Same. There is no way that I’d expect my child to pay their own rent etc.

My DC is starting university soon and has an offer to go to a highly sought after university in a fantastic location.
I did say that if they really wanted to go, I’d find a way to make it happen. Which would involve me working very hard!

Just to clarify, DH doesn't support her financially, she pays all her own rent from student loans, and working very hard in a café Saturday and Sunday.

Subsequent OP update completely obliterates my comment. Now deleted.

It sounds very incest-y.

There’s a lot to suggest it actually if you’d bothered to read all of OP’s four posts.

Why would your daughter go away to Uni and then be asked to share a one bedroom flat with her father and not even have her own room? Doesnt make sense to me and sounds very odd.

It does not make any moral difference, just increases the student's vulnerability.

OP has provided further information about her DH in her latest posts and OP says that she is in a controlling and coersive marriage. Her daughter isn't going to live with her dad now.

I've just read your update OP.

Well done you for divorcing this controlling, aggressive, unreasonable man.

Also good that your DD is seeking help .

Best wishes to you both

@PelucheCat having seen your update, there was clearly more context to your question and in this situation I hope your DD gets the counselling she needs and remains in shared student digs (no matter how lousy the downstairs loo is.!)

Student digs are notoriously poorly kept, but hopefully she can either move with friends or get the landlord to address it with the help of one of the advisors/support staff at the Uni as they have people who do this usually.

Keep encouraging her to remain detached from her father and his ulterior motives. Definitely trying the exploit the situation and potentially make your daughter vulnerable.