Is husband exploiting daughter or is this ok?

[PelucheCat]

I need some help with reality please. I'm going to try and just post the facts.

DH works away.
DD is student at uni in expensive UK city.
DH has now got job there, and rented a flat.
DH has asked DD to move in, and pay 50% of rent and 50% bills.
DH has a very good wage.
Turns out DD won't be on the tenancy agreement.
DH would be subletting as it's only a one bedroom flat, agency not aware.
Total for DD would be same as she's already paying.

I would like to know what others think about this situation. Thanks.

Sounds like an option with only downsides for dd and only upsides for dh which isn’t how it should be imo.

Part of the justification of the extortionate fees/rents for students is the enormous fun you can have living independently as a student. Not living with your dad for the same price.

His place hasn’t even got a bedroom for her - how does he propose to manage that? Not to mention if the landlord finds that he’s subletting.

Can imagine anything worse for your daughter.
No privacy.
No great Uni experience away from parents.
No money saving.
They cannot share a one bedroom flat. It's weird that he's suggesting it.

Yes, he is. Hopefully your daughter sees sense and won’t do this.

Thinking long long back to my time at Uni - this setup would have absolutely horrified me. I wouldn't have words to get out of it either. Grownup me is much more scrappy and would laugh at the mere suggestion.
Party of the charm of going to uni is getting away from parents, said as someone who has a happy childhood.

If he earns a good wage then it sounds more controlling and creepy than exploitative to me

Coercive control.
Enmeshment.
Incest or covert incest. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201510/understanding-covert-incest-an-interview-with-kenneth

Please do not allow this. And I would be very suspicious of your OH, however perfect the relationship may have seemed.

She needs to grow up, which involves having new kinds of friends, managing her own space, experimenting with different styles of relationships, taking responsibility to host and support peers, learning to lean on peers, engaging with students from many backgrounds without being scrutinized or questioned, taking up new hobbies, keeping unsocial hours, maybe exploring sexuality or fashion or politics or cooking not palatable at home. Playing music when she feels like. Living to a student rhythm not accommodating a work day. Hyperfocusing or being slobby or intense to get through exams or projects. Crying or being loud or quiet, feeling her feelings, independent of a parent!

I deeply distrust any man who would do what you describe. Even a woman would not be acting in the young person's best interests.

I agree this is inappropriate. Different if it were a 2 bed but definitely not a one bed. He needs to sort something else out.

What is his rationale behind this? Are you together or seperated? How often would he be staying in the flat in comparison to dd?

He needs to back off and butt out.

doesnt sound like a good deal for her - surely she is looking to house share with friends, where she can study in a house with other students studying, have her own bedroom and space, be able to bring friends or boyfriends round, and just be part of the uni landscape.

I dont see how she would benefit.

I can see how he would benefit - half his rent paid, someone he knows with him, maybe someone to clean and cook??

No harm in asking, but he shouldnt be upset if she would prefer to stay with friends or in halls

To be clear - is he her Dad or Stepfather?

This. ^ It's batshit. For multiple reasons. Also very weird that he wants her to share a flat with him that only has one bedroom.

Is the OP coming back to the thread?

You still here @PelucheCat ? Is this her bio father, or step? Either way it's very weird.....

.

I don’t think it sounds exploitative, but it does sound rubbish. I can’t think of many uni age children who’d want to go from living with friends or solo to living with their dad in a place where they don’t even have a proper bedroom. What about when she wants to bring someone back for the night? Have a boyfriend stay? Have a party with friends? It’s not ideal from a living your best life in your 20s perspective, though yes, I can see how financially it’s better for the family. I think most daughters would simply say no way!

But @mindutopia that is the definition of exploitative. It is financially better for the man, and disadvantages the young woman developmentally. Not to mention her precarity in this situation and the questionable legality of it.

She should be living with her friends. It’s weird to live with your dad. Even weirder if it’s a stepdad. And especially weird as there aren’t enough bedrooms. Should be a hard NO.

No no no. I would have hated this - not that my parents would ever have tried such a thing! I can’t see any advantage for your DD and it seems very controlling. I hope your DH can be made to see sense and that your DD isn’t bullied into this.

I don’t see what’s in it for the daughter. Is he her father? Who gets the bedroom?

Parents often seem to "charge" rent, but actually keep it all in an account to give their adult child when they get married-I've heard of this a lot. Seems a good idea in that the adult child gets used to budgeting/having to pay, but actually has all the money, plus the security and comfort of living with family.
I don't know how it works in practice, particularly in other countries, but my kids are young, so I haven't really looked into what I'd do.

Batshit is the word that springs to mind.

If he were renting a two-bed flat and paying all rent and bills and invited her to move in with him to save her money (presumably if he earns well she is on minimum loan) then that would be more sensible.

As it is, completely bonkers, inappropriate and just no.

This is weird as heck. What's the rest of your marriage like?

She should live with fellow students thats half the fun of uni

DH as in not her dad? If they are not relates wierd setup

DD needs to live with friends or in uni accommodation. It is a rare chance for her to find life long friends, network in her field of study and become independent in her decisions.
It would be stifling for her to live with her Dad.
He will benefit, obviously. Not cool of her Dad to exploit DD like that.

It would be fine for the period of her uni hiolidays or while DD's flat is vacating ready for her to move in - only for a temporary stay..

Why would your daughter do this??

The place only has one bedroom!! Your daughter won’t have her own bedroom or any privacy!

Is your DH your daughter’s biological father?? Because there’s only one bedroom!! Further, why would he charge her anything!! She’s a student. My parents financially supported my siblings at University even though they didn’t have much.

This is very very concerning.

DD subsidising your DH basically. Hard no.

The fact that he would take money from her in this circumstance is pretty cold.