Is husband exploiting daughter or is this ok?

[PelucheCat]

I need some help with reality please. I'm going to try and just post the facts.

DH works away.
DD is student at uni in expensive UK city.
DH has now got job there, and rented a flat.
DH has asked DD to move in, and pay 50% of rent and 50% bills.
DH has a very good wage.
Turns out DD won't be on the tenancy agreement.
DH would be subletting as it's only a one bedroom flat, agency not aware.
Total for DD would be same as she's already paying.

I would like to know what others think about this situation. Thanks.

Stay safe OP

I hope your daughter is able to stand up to the pressure. 💐

So do I.

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t let my DC come and live with me or another family member.

I think it’s sad to read so many posters who wouldn’t allow their own DHs to be alone with their own DDs.

If I thought my DH was even thinking about that about his own child then I would have already filled in the divorce papers.

To imply that OP is in a relationship with a child abuser is quite a shocking claim, especially as there has been no mention of that from the OP.

The facts are that DD hates where she lives and her dad has a spare room in the same city.

I’d think he was a bad parent if he hadn’t suggested moving in with him.

So she pays the same as now but with less freedom?

Fuck that - I would say “no thanks Dad.”

“DH would be subletting as it's only a one bedroom flat, agency not aware”

And she won’t even have more living space?

FUCK. THAT.

If she finds her current flat small, imagine living in a 1 bedroom flat with no lounge. She’s in her 20s, she shouldn’t be living with her dad. Imagine if she wants to bring a boyfriend back?! What does she feel about it?

The OP @PelucheCathas said he is an abuser - coercive and controlling of her. He is now looking to financially abuse his student daughter and put the roof over her head at risk by making her an illegal tenant. These characters never change - that’s his moral compass and MO - on top he would likely close down his DDs social, romantic and independent life as he swapped controlling one female for another - and no doubt attempt to alienate her from her DM which would escalate once he got a sniff of divorce proceedings.

I am sorry you have endured this life and glad that, although painful, you are seeing the abuse. Your DD has also lived a life where this coercive controlling dynamic was ‘normal’ - you both need to detach from this man and seek support to heal from the emotional injury and distortion he has inflicted on you both.

Please seek professional advice and support about domestic abuse - because this is the time your safety is most at risk - at time of separation for 2 years after. He may be angry, manipulative, stalking etc - you need to understand how these quite predictable characters operate when rejecting. He will be out to punish you emotionally, financially, logistically and maybe also physically. He may be very happy to weaponise and punish / manipulate your DD in revenge. Please get informed and support and processes in place way before you tell him you are divorcing.

It doesn’t sound like it benefits your daughter at all. She has to share a one bed so has no space of her own, doesn’t have the independence of living away from parents, doesn’t have a tenancy agreement and could get kicked out if the landlord finds out. The only way it would be beneficial is if your husband paid all the rent and even then I wouldn’t want to live in this situation unless I was really struggling financially.

What reason has he given for wanting to do this and if daughter says no is he going to be upset about it? It just sounds like he’s trying to get cheaper rent.

Is this his biological daughter?

This cannot be a good faith post.

No benefit for the DD with the added extra of council tax as she wouldn’t be paying in a house of students

He is a bad father, just from not helping out his daughter at uni even though he is is on a good salary. That's pretty crap to begin with. But then asking his student daughter to pay half the rent, that's appalling. Most of a students income is a LOAN does he realise, and may be hanging over her for decades. She already works at the weekend as well to supplement her income, is she happy to hand her wages over to her father?

All this aside from the fact that emotionally and socially it would be terrible for the daughter to live with her dad in a one bed flat, even if he paid.

He really doesn't care about her best interests at all, does he?

My DS (24) pays £250, but that is for the basics. All takeaways, snacks or luxuries is out of his pocket. He buys his own toiletries etc.
The only reason its that low is he's saving every penny to buy his own place which will be sometime this year (probably end) .
DS(17) who is on apprenticeship so low wage pays £150 .
Im lucky as myself and DH both work plus we have his Military pension so can afford to. Butvif we couldn't then I wouldn't think twice to upping lodge money.

He should be at very least covering half the food and utilities and buying his own beers/ takeaways.

It is.

If your DC hated where they were living and you lived in the same city with a spare room, would you not offer for them to stay with you?

If not, that makes me really sad.

It would make me even sadder that you wouldn’t offer your adult child somewhere to live because you think that implies incest.

FWIW I don’t think DD should live with him at all but to say that it is incest for him to suggest he lives with him, considering she hates where she currently lives, is disgusting.

Perhaps posters haven’t seen the update that she’d have her own separate room.

You can be stingy or controlling without having a sexual interest in your own child.

Just to update, many thanks for the messages of concern and support.

I'm talking to a social worker in France, and a therapist online.

I've started re-linking with family and friends.
Trying to abandon my mindset of Being A Good Person, and Doing The Right Thing, which is what got me in this mess in the first place. As @Cochinn says, these people want to destroy you.

Feeling hopeful, learning to stop being so honest, and I'm up for the fight to protect my children, and myself! xxxx

Just want to say "Good luck" OP, to you AND your daughter. You will both be ok.

I’m looking forward to you being free from this man and living your own life.

I assume if he’s on a good wage you’ll get a decent chunk of money to start fresh somewhere.

I think it can be quite difficult to stand up to your parent when your other parent doesn’t do it themselves.

Has your DD lived alone with him before?

It might be worth getting family law legal advice in both jurisdictions (UK and France) @PelucheCat -- Rights of Women can help for the UK side: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/call-our-advice-lines/
And also posting in Legal on Mumsnet.

Good luck to you and your daughter, OP.

I honestly don’t see any advantage in this arrangement for her.

She’d be paying the same but living with her father. That sounds like a bad move at this stage in her life.

Then she is within her rights to tell him to sling his hook.
It would be different if he was offering rent free accomodation whilst she was studying... but he is on a good wage yet wants her to subsidise his rent and bills.
From her student loans.
In no way is that an offer for her benefit.

Miser.