Thread 39 - Covid Cohort - Our Adult Children Now Post 18

[CinnamonOrangeCremeBrulee]

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Be warned there might be lots of 'Uni Freshers' chat this time of year. My experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and support to be had !

@EspeciallyDivided that sounds so tough, I hope your DS keeps giving you good updates. My DS is definitely nervous and worried about being lonely, it’s a big step for them. DS has been away inter railing for 3 weeks so should feel easy. So I think pretty much every DC (and parent) will have wobbles, I hope it gets easier.
@PhotoDad i also have location services, DS is fine with it and it helped massively when he was abroad. I barely look at it unless worried.

Checking in after a manic few days.

Sending you love, EquallyDivided. Lots of mums in bits on WIWIK last night, with DCs pleading with them to take them home from uni.
Glad to read your DS is feeling a bit brighter today.

Can I join in with the heartbreak, please?I’m feeling really low and hurt, due to the situation with both DCs.
We spent a nice 24 hours with DS and he seems to have settled into boarding life ok. However, he flared up at us a couple of times, seemingly out of nowhere, and over something minor and inconsequential.
We sent him a WhatsApp yesterday, inviting him to phone us when he got the chance, which he did, but getting any conversation out of him was hard work and he didn’t ask about home stuff at all. Once again, he blew up at us in a really hurtful way, simply because we asked if he had signed up to any clubs, and suggested he look at what’s on offer; his response was to tell us to “ stop going on about it”, before telling us that he was happy until our phone call.

DD leaves on Saturday. She hasn’t done anything in preparation, and because of that, her DSA equipment hasn’t even been ordered yet; the suppliers have put her in a queue and she’ll have to wait to discuss things like upgrades before she can place her order.
Every single request we make, no matter how minor (such as, “ Can you pick up your towel from the floor, please?”) is met with a snappy response and almost always point-blank refusal.
This has gone on for weeks now, and her response to any plea for a change of attitude is, “ Well, I’m going soon so it won’t be an issue then.”
This weekend, she informed us that we don’t show her that we care, and we’ll realise it’s too late when she goes to uni.

Im not sure how much more we can do, in all honesty. Last week, DH and I spent a whole afternoon trekking around the shops, buying what she needs (she told us she had “ too much to do” at home.)That was the day after I’d taken her to Dunelm to do the same.
We have spent hours on the phone, trying to sort out DSA, student support, sorting her meds transfer, booking things like optician appointments so that she doesn’t have to worry.
Ive made her a homesickness box, full of little treats for when she has a wobble.
I’ve ordered the books she needs for her course. I’ve bought her a student cookbook and taken her food shop, for her to learn how to cook a few meals before she goes.
We’ve organised and paid for a review of marking for her English papers and chased it up with the exams officer and her teacher.
We’ve booked a hotel in Birmingham on Saturday night so that we can settle her in and then take her food shopping the next day and source anything we might not have thought to take.

She has been so horrible and hurtful towards me, I’ve spent the past week in tears, but she says I’m too sensitive and need to get over it.
Every interaction between her and DH and me turns into a verbal assault, unless she’s doing exactly what she wants; eg if she comes downstairs and we’re watching something on tv, we’re expected to turn it over to something she wants to watch, otherwise she accuses us of not wanting to spend time with her and flounces off.

I feel broken by it all, and I’m wondering where I went wrong as a parent, that both children feel like this towards me.

I’m sorry my last post is so long - once I started writing, it just all flooded out. 😢

@Alsoplayspiccolo could be one of two things with your DD

1. nervous and pushing you away so leaving is easier for her

2. entitled so and so and needs a kick up the bum

Either way.. if it’s just the three if you at home you need a family conference tonight over dinner. Ask her what’s actually wrong if this is new behaviour - tell her it’s unacceptable and you want to clear the air and fresh start before uni

@Alsoplayspiccolo Poor you! You have done nothing wrong as a parent - you are so supportive and bat their corner for them! It is a massive time of change and your DCs will be between wanting to get on with things their way, while half-wanting support and mummying a bit! x

@Alsoplayspiccolo
Oh Piccolo, pour away. My 2 are being really pleasant to me atm, but ds1 has been so nasty to me in the past I truely questioned where I went wrong.

This. Phase. Will. Pass.

Sympathies @Alsoplayspiccolo . You've not done anything wrong. No doubt she's anxious about leaving so she's burying her head in the sand (thus not preparing/buying anything) and she's probably feeling very insecure, so she needs more reassurance and feels whatever you give isn't enough. I hope things improve in the next week. You've done a great job with them both - they've achieved good grades and are both able to live away and take steps towards independence.

Oh Also that does sound really difficult. Similar here in that DS is definitely withdrawing from us already but without the grumpiness so far.

I think Fruity's idea is good - tell her that for her sake and for yours you don't want her to leave with a bad atmosphere between you. (She probably doesn't realise how much more difficult things will be for her if your relationship is rocky when she goes.) I'm sure it's stress related on her part but I would definitely push back on the "you don't care about me" stuff, that is very cheeky and very obviously not true!

Piccolo, on a practical note why don't you phone and chase DSA. It can't do any harm, and if a parent phones and pressurises them into trying to speed up her case instead of letting it rot in the queue, then at least Your'll feel you've done all you can, practically.

@Alsoplayspiccolo it will pass the grumpiness it is more than likely stress and anxiety.

It is a bit weird with our DD starting so late, it is weird seeing everyone packing and taking their children why we are waiting.

My DD is all ready to go and we have dismantled her massive bed and changing the room to be more practical for when she comes back and shares with her sister again.

@Alsoplayspiccolo DD has given me small comments but normally easy and I just remind her I am nervous and sad but excited and happy too so dont need any meanness from her ...too many emotions ....DS2 was a nightmare for 3 years before he went .....as soon as he left for uni then came home for weekends etc I started getting hugs and affection again ...DS1 has grumps but not at me just in general so ok

Sympathies @Alsoplayspiccolo , it is very hard when it’s like this and you are having to contend with DS going too.

Not looking good for exchange today, a solicitor is off again - a different one to the one unavailable on Friday. I think it is going to be a long week.

@Alsoplayspiccolo I am so sorry. As with many others here, we've been through phases like that, but the timing suggests it's worry/stress surfacing in inappropriate ways. Keep on keeping on, right?

@horrificbiology Dd has had her moments. She’s been at bf for weekend and said she’s been really emotional (it’s also pmt time) and confused. I’ve remind her there is no pressure and she can change her mind, take a gap year, get into work. She says she knows that so at least she’s not feeling pressure from us. DD1 just moved out so it’s very emotional for me too. At least can focus on DD2 this week. We will see. She wants to give it a try and I think for her it can only improve on her expectations as it wasn’t her first choice.

@Alsoplayspiccolo you are a lovely parent, your DC are going through big adjustments in their lives and are lashing out at the easiest target. My DS has been lovely recently but we have had many lows with him. It isn’t nice to feel disliked by the people you care about the most. I hope you get some nicer moments with DD.

@Piccolo I'm having exactly the same issues with ds as you're having with your DD. I could have written your post word for word. I think Ds here is frightened about starting uni. & is therefore refusing to start/complete the simplest of tasks. We have the DSA equipment here unopened. The software codes need to be loaded on & the printer set up. Ds2 was willing to help but ds1 being proud said he could do it himself. So that prompted him to start setting up.
But it was after i got absolutely furious with him & then he exploded & swore back at me.
@Especially that drop off sounds absolutely heart-rending. I'm glad your ds is sounding happier. And 1.5 hours is really not that far away.

@crazycrofter I've spoken to my DD who will be going on the Thursday and she is happy to meet your DD on Saturday and take her to dinner if your DD would like to - no pressure though.

I haven't had the change to catch up with weekend chat yet let along today, but just happened to see Crazys post below mine.

@crazycrofter
I'll get ds1 to introduce himself to your dd. Then they can go to dinner. He'll start off :

I probably don't need to ask you anything about yourself because your mum has already told my mum everything there is to know presumably? My mum tells MN all my businesss! how long has your mum been on mumsnet? Because my mum had been there for donkeys years, is on it 24/7 and she's an absolute nutter.

They can spend the next term comparing nutter MN mum comparisons.

@Oblomov22 😂 so true.
@Heifer how lovely of your DD.

😂😂 thanks @Oblomov22 and @heifer! I’ll see what she thinks when I pick her up from the station in a minute. I find it weird that she’s so anxious as she’s literally the most sociable person ever, she has friends all over the country from different schools/events/camps/festivals etc. But I guess this is a new scenario. And she does get very anxious about stuff.

I've managed to persuade her to move her driving test to Feb after a scary drive earlier 😂

I'll tell him to use a secret codeword for Mumsnet. I don't like telling anyone I use it. It's my private business.

I'll buy him a mumsnet scarf 🧣 for identification purposes.

@crazycrofter if she hasn't got her driving test on the Thursday - is it worth seeing if she can change her moving in day to Thursday so then everyone will be new? although I am sure others will be moving in Saturday too.

My DDs driving test is.... Monday 19th Sept.... (or was) not had email yet from DVLA but assume it's now cancelled.

Re Mumsnet, the least said to DD about that the better - she already thinks you're all odd (along with me) chatting on a forum etc. She keeps things to herself so doesn't get the need to chat about stuff to other people. She is very sociable but not about her thoughts and feelings.

No problem. Mums the word Heifer.

No one outside my family knows I am on MN either, it is my secret and it really is a pretty big part of my life, half my FB friends are MNers who have crossed over into real life. There's one set of threads I joined when DD was still at pre-school (that's the DD who just started college) and am still on, another which I will have been on for 10 years this month. I have changed names a lot though.

@Alsoplayspiccolo I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it absolutely isn't your fault and as other have said is likely to be a coping mechanism. My relationship with my mum was dreadful in my late teens but I grew up and grew out of it.

@Cantonet sympathies re DSA, it is a lot to sort and we have struggled too, it has seemed like the final straw on the admin front for DS at times.

Had a proper chat with DS after work, he rang me before going for dinner. He was pretty chatty, said he'd stayed at a freshers event till midnight and started talking to people on his course a bit. They are going off on an overnight field trip next week. So I am cautiously feeling a lot more positive now. Yesterday was not a day I will forget in a hurry though.