Anti-tips: things I have learned the hard way

[Mines]

I thought it might be useful to share a few parenting tips on things that definitely do not work....

1. mixing chocolate biscuits and bathtime has serious impact on both nutritional value and child laundering. Don't do it.

2)Nappy cream is not good as mayonnaise

3)Nappyless babies and natural fibre carpets do not mix.

Anyone else got any useful ones?

Once the baby is big enough that you stop worrying that the cat is going to mistake him for a rodent and attack him, then you have to start worrying about the baby mistaking the cat for a toy and chewing/squashing it.

Almost too obvious to post, but never, ever trust a silent house unless you are the only person in it!

And Bugsy, if you hear silence in your house, quickly search for the cause of it, almost certainly some illicit activity is taking place.

Small children exert a magnetic force on remote controls and likewise a resistance to facecloths.

your child will prefer inexpensive things like left over wrapping paper than the expensive educational toy someone has just given them for Christmas.

These are so funny...mine is: never buy a new buggy because you think there is something wrong with yours as new baby cries whenever put in it. Took me 8 months to work out she actually loathes any type of straps/coats/harness etc.

If someone gives you a children's video that they don't want anymore it's because it is soooo boring, but you can guarantee that your child will want to watch it with you at every opportunity.

1. No matter what clever cupboard lock gadget you buy the only cupboard doors that it won't fit are yours.

2. Table cloths and babies do not mix or rather they do mix ... in a big heap on the floor along with any food/crockery/cutlery etc etc.

3. The moment anyone utters that baby is a wonderful eater, they stop!

4. Unless the food item in question is in the Toddler Snack Storage Unit (aka the dustbin!).

Feel a bit guilty about this one, but here goes.

However sorry you feel for your daughter who's a bit off colour and unable to attend nursery, it does mean there's only one packed lunch to make ....

LOL at this thread.

Mine is, Don't be too proud when your child does something new, because as soon as you tell someone about it ds looks at you like your an idiot and refused to do it, until they leave of course

Never leave anything on the bathroom floor when you are having a shower as it will end up in with you. This especially applies to soft toys as you can't hear them land and do not notice them till you stand on them.

going on from CER post- never give a boring video to the school christmas bazaar - you can be sure your child will bring it home

O.K. I'm on a roll here

Food always tatses nicer from Mummy's plate

Children actually have 2 stomachs, because it does not matter how full or sick the main one is, there is always room in the second one for icecream.

Never give a 2 year old an open tub of glitter.

Lol Soupdragon... how true!

Never wonder where a black felt pen is when there's a 2 year old around.

Sigh.

If you cut your child's long fringe so that they can see out, they will crash into a wall/door/bike/lamppost within the next few hours (sometimes two or three of these) and an enormous bump or 3 will come up, exposing you as a negligent, if not worse, parent

Slug, 2 stomachs - suddenly ds's eating habits make sense!

LOL soupdragon you must have been to my house!!

Never wonder "what are those banging noises?" By the time you realise they're coming from your ensuite bathroom, your angelic children will be covered with sun cream and the wooden floor will be very slippery indeed.

Never feed a sneezing baby carrot puree.

If you happen to go to Wagamamas for lunch, try not to leave a bowl of carrot puree on the edge of the table.

If your child has a tendency to travel sickness - do not fill up with bananas, cheese strips and raisins at service station.

Do not assume that, just because you have keyboard locked your mobile phone, your 22 month old son won't be able to dial 999 on it...

Don't bend down to mop up the wee that's rolled off the changing mat onto the floor without first replacing nappy and drying off the changing mat. Unless you're a fan of baby wee shampoo.

Re the 999 one - I only recently found out that 999 is excluded from the keypad lock (on both mobile and cordless phones) for safety reasons. Until then I had been blithely letting ds play with my mobile, "secure" in the knowledge that the keypad was locked!

And I work in the telecoms industry!