Anti-tips: things I have learned the hard way

[Mines]

I thought it might be useful to share a few parenting tips on things that definitely do not work....

1. mixing chocolate biscuits and bathtime has serious impact on both nutritional value and child laundering. Don't do it.

2)Nappy cream is not good as mayonnaise

3)Nappyless babies and natural fibre carpets do not mix.

Anyone else got any useful ones?

Carla even.....

lol prufrock

janh - honestly haven't a clue! never looked inside a door knob!! but you're probably right!!

When your pregnant with your first child never say 'I'm never going to bribe my child' within earshot of anyone you are going to see again because you are going to bribe and your sister in law is going to ram it down your neck again and again. In fact never say you're never going to do anything because you can bet your life you will. Funny how you have all these idealised views on perfect children and how they behave before you get one of your own lol.
Can you wait doesn't feature in a toddler's understanding.
Sit quietly and colour this picture somehow gets muddled in the brain with sit and colour anything except the picture.

Lol at this thread.

here's another one:

never give your toddler paper with his paints - he will always prefer painting his skin or a nice clean wall.

Never give a baby with reflux pumpkin before going to a wedding.

Never tell a psychiatrist friend that you don't believe in the anal phase of development. Your child will become constipated within hours and will stay that way for almost a year!

Oh and if you think frankfurters look bad in the jar, they look a 100 times worse when vomted all over the kitchen.

Haven't thought of any funny ones but my anti-tips are:

1. Epidurals don't always work.

2. If you don't drink enough water when you're breastfeeding, you will get horrendous constipation.

These are funny! Also, you will talk about poo at some stage no matter how much you think you won't.

ROFL WWW - and of course you'll talk about Poo to absolutely anyone as well which makes it so-o-o much worse !!

And you will want to discuss labour and birth ad nauseum for years. In fact you are so relaxed about it you would parctically drop your knickers in the street for a stranger! But you will still hate going for a smear.

Never lend you Dr Ferber's "solve your child's sleep problems" book to anyone because the minute you do your child will stop sleeping through the night and become a total pain in the arse about going to bed.

Don't waste money on Annabel Karmel books - she's made millions from telling people how to mash a banana or make pizza's that look like cats. Life Is TOOO short. (anyone who wants to know what I really think of AK can email me at [email protected] for my rundown of living life the Annabel way).

Just when you think your child is behaving beautifully they will go into their satan phase - and vice versa.

Just beware when getting on a bus with buggy and baby that these two items are like a red rag to a bull for a bus driver-just make sure you make a quick grab for the bar to steady yourself-especially if you have seen their eyes narrow as they spot you-you can bet their foot will be to the floor of the excelerator before you have gone two steps towards the seat.
If your child gets car sick make sure the friend who is in the passenger seat next to you has half a brain to understand what'quickly get her the potty'means especially the word 'quickly'.

Dh is now looking forward to the 'stuck halfway through the cat flap' phase - he noticed that since we have another back door as well as the one with the cat flap we'll be able to take a photo of her from behind and in front! Oh, the joys of being a perfect parent

Damn, I don't have a catflap

Old rabbit turds under the sofa are virtually indistinguishable from raisins.

It is virtually impossible to get Sudocrem out of the speakers on your TV, but orange paint does wipe off.

I am reading this thread to dh and he is coming up with these, honest!
The door-to-door Barnado's collectors don't find it funny when they ask for a donation and you offer them two!

Your child who will never get undressed for bed is nonetheless happy to strip off on the bus.

Never swear at sheep on the road even if you think your toddler is asleep in the back. Because the next time the bus stops for sheep they will repeat EXACTLY what you said.

Always keep your toothbrush just out of reach, so you don't walk into the bathroom to find a child scrubbing daddy's back in the bath with it.

If you are buying a new carpet, you will live to regret it if you buy beige. (DH's choice)

Don't even waste your time thinking about redecorating until all your children are at least 6.

Never, EVER run out of batteries - especially on a long car journey!

Don't teach your children how to lock the back doors unless you want to be locked in the garden in the rain! Dh not me!!!

This thread is marvellous!

Susammt, it took a while for DH to work out why DS1 only used the phrase "for f*s sake" when in his pushalong car. And he didn't learn it from me, honest!

Batey, you don't have to teach them - DS2 locked me out in October and I had to break a pane of glass to get back in. The tips I learnt from this were:

1. Just because your 1st child was an angel and never played with keys doesn't mean your 2nd will be the same
2. Always take the key out of the back door when popping out to collect a couple of autumn leaves for a friend.
3. Just because your 3 1/2 yo can operate the TV, get his own breakfast cereal and confound your logical arguments about everything, it doesn't mean he can unlock a door his 20 month old brother has just locked.