Anti-tips: things I have learned the hard way

[Mines]

I thought it might be useful to share a few parenting tips on things that definitely do not work....

1. mixing chocolate biscuits and bathtime has serious impact on both nutritional value and child laundering. Don't do it.

2)Nappy cream is not good as mayonnaise

3)Nappyless babies and natural fibre carpets do not mix.

Anyone else got any useful ones?

Oh Soupdargon that reminds me,

NEVER leave a pot of glitter and minature stars on a top shelf and forget about it. A few months later it may fall right in you,
(was everywhere, even in my bra!!!!)

Small children have no sense of justice. Fifty-nine hours nonstop of Clifford the Big Red Sodding Dog will still not buy you five minutes to read the paper.

Make up statistics to upset the competitive mummies of your acquaintance, along the lines of 'actually, a BMJ survey in 1997 found that a high proportion of psychotics were early walkers'.

Never joke about punishments with your child, eg., "watch out or I'll lock you in the cupboard under the stairs." Next time you tell them off in public they will wail pitifully "please, Mummy, don't lock me in the cupboard under the stairs..." and old ladies will look appalled.

Having just come back from lovely toddler free two days in Rome with dh (hee hee) ; always take wrapping paper and sellotape when escaping on holiday from children, or you will end up trying to wrap a present in the boot of the car with a too-small sheet of inappropriate wrapping paper and some string....

Never offer a drink to a toddler that is having a tantrum. The chances of it landing all over you are quite high

love that second one mother inferior

• must remember that next time nosy people want to know why dd ( 18 months old) is not walking.....

Haha this is fantastic!

On behalf of ds twins may I add;

Its not the noise you have to worry about, it is when it goes quiet...

The cat will not appreciate two-year-old boys renaming him "Bum" because they can't say Paris properly!

He will however appreciate that they can get into the cupboard where his food is kept and bring out several pouches at once. Now he has to work out how to teach them to open the packets!

Wooden jigsaws (the ones where you have to fit the shape into the board) are extremely painful when accidentally whacked in the face by one.

You will also find the missing piece on your bedroom carpet while walking barefoot and not looking.

Twins speciality, I want the one toy he has, even though I have shown no interest in it yet today and there are plenty more to play with.

When you hear a crunch underfoot while rushing through the toy strewn living room while very late and toddler son is not in the room. Do NOT swear in a loud voice then say "oh no, which toy have I broken?!" Just silently pick it up and chuck it in the bin and avoid all the emotional grief for the next week or so...

And when said toddler piles on the emotional pressure by saying in fake wracked sobs "I really LOVED that toy cup, Mummy" try not to crack and remember that its only play function to date had been to fling it around the room in an attempt to reach something more interesting underneath.

Jumping on your bed is not a good game for toddlers who are only partly nappy trained.

If such a game has taken place, check your bed and pillow before crawling in worn out and looking forward to blissful instant sleep.

I mean potty trained, of course.

Never hold your projectile vomiting baby up to your face after they have been winded.

Similarly beware of snuggling too close in bed face to face with a recently fed baby - thats assuming you don't appreciate babysick up your nose.

Any more????

wanna know exactly wen h/v or m/wife gonna come round....... it will be wen your baby has a gigantic pooh in nappy, sick all down front. house in a tip and u look and feel like a bag of.....

this goes for your mother, mother in law....

Just because your 3yo child hasn't played with the vaseline ("magic cream" that's been in his room for his sore lips since Christmas, it doesn't mean that a helpful 6yo won't open the jar for him and help him use it as hair gel.

I haven't laughed some much in ages.....susanmt the one about discussing poo/labour but still hating a smear struck home! My ds is still little so I guess I've got this all coming....but to add...

1. if they are sick work on the prinicple that at least twice as much comes out as went in....
2. as soon as you pick up a fork they will suddenly be starving... 2a. food off mums plate is better then out of their own bowl...

you can try and get your lil one to sing incie wincie spider to your mum/friend/stranger on the bus till your blue in the face, but as soon as that rap song that has all the parental groups up in arms, comes on in the middle of a crowded shop, your lil one will sing loud and proud

ooops, did I lower the tone?

very funny thread. my baby is only 6 weeks so only one to add.

they always wake up and require attention the second you sit down to eat no matter what the time is.

do not ever leave the cleaning wipes out when your dh/dp is about to change baby. My poor ds had his arse wiped with cif oxy wipes. DHs excuse was that he didn't know that jif is now cif (shows how much housework he does)

always make/buy playdough the same colour as your carpet

1 A colander is not a useful implement for catching sick!
2 Children will not thank you for ironing their clothes .....so dont bother!

thanks whoever posted the one about don't lovingly cuddle your baby close to your face when you've just fed her. I remembered it in the nick of time the other night