Anti-tips: things I have learned the hard way

[Mines]

I thought it might be useful to share a few parenting tips on things that definitely do not work....

1. mixing chocolate biscuits and bathtime has serious impact on both nutritional value and child laundering. Don't do it.

2)Nappy cream is not good as mayonnaise

3)Nappyless babies and natural fibre carpets do not mix.

Anyone else got any useful ones?

SoupDragon. ROTFL

If your children are playing quietly in the garden, it probably means they've locked themselves in the shed and can't open the door.

Never get on the bus in winter with your ds/dd as you will repeatedly be told by old ladies that it is cold out. As if you hadn't already figured that out by putting coats on the pair of you.

Never teach your child the principals of lids as when your back is turned they will have the strawberry toothpaste lid off and squirted it all over your walls and carpet.

Never turn your back.

Wow soupdragon.....locking them in the shed sounds like a fantasic idea.

Noooo, they locked themselves in, honest!

Oh aye Soupdragon! Thats your story and you're sticking to it lol

When you spend hours in an Annabel Karmelesque way cooking something she claims every child 'loves', yours won't touch a spoonful. Slap some baked beans in the microwave, however and they'll scoff the lot in two minutes!

when admiring extremely expensive carpets while on holiday do not under any circumstances take up kind offer of salesman to put lovely baby on carpet to admire softness, particularly after baby has just eaten huge amounts of very pink yoghurt.

Do not leave any form of receptacle within reach of toddler in bathroom as they will use it to fish in the toilet and drink the water ( and that is always assuming that dh has actually remembered to flush it. )

I stumbled across this thread again whilst searching for something else and have wasted a fair amount of time, giggling.

1)Zinc and Casteroil cream is waterproof when slathered on baby skin.

2)Pens that write on CD's also write on childrens faces but don't wash off (easily)

3)Never balance your nailvarnish on top of the fridge, the door will be slammed by an over eager toddler and it will smash on the floor leaving strange markings for years.

4)It's fun to throw snow balls but not so fun to have snow balls with grit mixed in thrown at you.....

5)Never let a toddler watch you turn on your washing machine, all your clothes will be washed at 90 the moment your backs turned.

6)Check inside your dishwasher if you can't find your child during a game of hide and seek.

7)Never leave your fave perfume out, it must be locked away at all times, after all if drunk it does contain alchol.

Just a few more

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1. A mouth full of lenor is not harmful to a toddler, they just smell lovely for days

2. Always check washing machine before putting a load on, toddlers often put tissues/play dough/important documents in here

3. When calling work to say you won't be in as toddler had a very bad night with earache/flu and is very ill, do it in a different room to your toddler as amazingly they suddenly perk up, start shouting 'Hiya' and demanding a biscuit

On toddler daughters:

I thought I was brill when I taught my daughter that magic markers were weapons in order to avoid wall and floor paintings. I had quite a talking-to when she started nursery.

Do not tell your DD that tampons are fire crackers, she will repeat this in front of her grandpa immediately and then you will have to explain to your father why you keep firecrackers in your bathroom cabinet.

When your dd follows you to the bathroom, sees your panty liner and says, "Mommie, What's that?", do not tell her that they are Mommie's diapers. She will immediately tell her friend's Mom that her Mother still wears diapers.

Be sure to put up your lifetime collection of beautiful tins of all sizes. You will find that bathing suit top (along with several puzzle pieces) you have been looking for these past two years has been neatly stuffed into one of the larger tins that was left on the floor of your closet.

Which reminds me, you must give up all hope that any of your puzzles will ever have all of the pieces again until your children move out of the house.

LOL about the diapers and the tampons sunchowder!

Never encourage a toddler to rip cushions of sofa and bounce up and down to amuse younger sibbling while you go and make a phone call. Gravity will get the better of toddler and the worse of baby.

When your baby learns to clap and looks the cutest thing in the world and v pleased with themselves, they will promptly glare at you when you try to get them to do it in front of granny and crawl off in a huff.

Don't use your friend's changing table if you have a baby boy and she's just put expensive sisal matting down in the nursery. If I'd changed him on the floor I don't think the projectile pee would have done so much damage.. oh, and boys can and do hit their own ears with their wee. But it doesn't seem to do any long-lasting damage

Never underestimate the size of your childs ears. My dd delighted in telling anyone that would listen that Daddy thinks Mommy's got a great pair of tits.

Oh and remember you will not be able to stop yourself from P***g yourself laughing when your new baby wee's all over the horrid midwife that told you not to fuss.

rofl at this thread,

Never whsper through gritted teeth "you wait till you get home young lady" in the supermarket as there WILL be a nosy old lady to give you a filthy look

Never GIVE her the whole bag of flour whilst baking.

Pretend to look VERY uninetersted if she eats anything new or she'll stop at once

Never leave undispensed syringe of child neurofen on the sideboard and think they will never play with it. Oops

Dh has taught the sluglet the her nipples are "tits" and that "mummy has wobbly tits" which she delights in telling everyone.

Never look away while your child is fingerpainting unless you fancy blue floors, cupboards and child.

always check the washing machine for teddy before loading

Don't teach your child 'amusing' words or you will cringe as she announces (loudly) "Daddy do the fart!" in the supermarket.

Hide the inappropriate jacket before announcing that you're going out.

Ask yourself before teaching your child a new trick or game 'Do I really want to be doing this every 10 minutes for the next fortnight?'

Never assume that the large tub of "snowflake" glitter is out of reach of your nearly 3year old.