Anti-tips: things I have learned the hard way

[Mines]

I thought it might be useful to share a few parenting tips on things that definitely do not work....

1. mixing chocolate biscuits and bathtime has serious impact on both nutritional value and child laundering. Don't do it.

2)Nappy cream is not good as mayonnaise

3)Nappyless babies and natural fibre carpets do not mix.

Anyone else got any useful ones?

Interesting swirly plastic straws will always be ramrod straight when they come out of the dishwasher....

and your little one will always spot you trying to hide it and promptly become inconsolable!

never have your toddler dressed and ready more than 5 minutes earlier than necessssary, they will strip down again/get soaked/smear soem food or other all over them, just when you thought today I'm on time!!!!

(learnt this on my 2nd day back at work...)

1. Never take your eyes off a small child holding a Babybel cheese at a birthday party - they will climb the stairs and grind it into your dark blue carpet on every single step

2. Never choose a dark blue carpet

whymummy

don`t always get cross with the baby for waking you up in the middle of the night,it could be our snoring that woke him up in the first place!!

Never leave a breastfed baby nappy free for more than a few seconds ... poo really can be projected over 1 metre when it isn't solid!!(sorry!!!)

Never boast that your child is a) sleeping through the night or b) eating well as within 30 seconds of the words leaving your mouth your child will become a) restless at night and b)picky with their food.

Never let your DH make jokey comments about your anatomy infront of your child unless you want everyone in the supermarket to know that 'My mummy's got a wobbly bottom!'

NEVER EVER leave your razor by the side of the bath ...
Before you all think that my DS has slit his throat, I caught him running his thumb along the blade just in time to stop any lasting damage ...
Guilt is my middle name ...

Following on from Furball, also never boast that your child is never ill as they will go down with something horrible within hours..

If you want feel you're making the most of the emergency services, assume the bleeding from your baby's ear is some kind of heamorage and call an ambulance. The hard working paramedics will be only too happy to inform you she's scratched herself with her nail.

Admit defeat and realise that it will be several years before you leave the house with clean shoulders.

Admit defeat and realise that it will be several years before you leave the house with clean shoulders.

Never leave them alone with DH for the afternoon. I came home today to find that he'd changed the baby's nappy, but put the old, dirty one into the changing bag .........

Never even lend your baby stuff. You will immediately become pregnant, and will discover that your sil has cut the feet off all your babygros (even though you have six in every size) and dyed all your vests a fetching shade of grey.

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Your DH will not be impressed if he finds in his glove box the remains of a cheese sandwich you saved for your DS while on summer holiday. Especially if this discovery is not made until the run-up to Christmas and even if you did wrap it neatly in a paper bag.

Never go out without taking a spare set of clothes. I have done it a few times but of course, on each of those times, my ds exploded and a new set of clothes had to be purchased!
Can't wait to see him try to get through the catflap!

When you are out shopping and your child is asleep in the pushchair, if you want them to wake then stop for a coffee. As soon as you do this the child will be wide awake, demanding attention, running around the tables and wanting the froth off your cuppacino.
It never fails.

Flick - exploding children I know exactly what you meant, but it still put a different picture in my mind. Imagine all thise littl'uns going off pop all over the place...

Never let your 3yo stand on top of the waterbutt, unless you really want him to clambor across the conservatory roof and neighbour's 8-foot-tall brick wall.

aaaarrrrrgh, heres a tip - DO NOT allow your kids chewing gum, ever ever ever
its caused misery and arguments and unnecessary punishments

i havefound gum on my living room floor and last night i was fuming i wen to bed turned the light off and jumped in - as you do - and something felt weird and my hair felt icky - then it dawned - i knew without turning the light on - chewing gum all over the soddin bed and in my hair! - its a good job the kids were asleep, i was so angry!

If you think you are going to be early, something will happen to stuff it up! (it's Murphy's mum's law I think)

If locked from the inside by a 2 yo, the bathroom doors at the St James' Club Antigua have to be levered open with a screwdriver by a sniggering member of the maintenance department. This will leave gouge marks round the door frame and, for the next few days, every staff member you give your room number to will smirk knowingly.

No amount of coaching, pleading and shouting will enable the accompanying 4yo to unlock the door again.

A towel draped over the top of the door will prevent this happening again.