Location move not going well

[Jo20111]

Hi, advice needed please,

8 weeks ago I moved to a much better area 2.5hr away with my family. The new school is outstanding but the children (12f & 14m) don’t like it. They say everyone is too posh and they don’t fit in. I kind of get where they’re coming from with this. We are very well off but not posh at all - our accents really stand out. We’ve been planning this move for a year.

Our house sale still hasn’t gone through yet, we’re living in a rental and I’m ready to throw in the towel. Husband thinks it’s a bit too soon.

I don’t know what to do. It’s half term next week and we’re going home. The kids are beyond delighted to get back to our old house and see their old friends. They’re adamant they don’t want to come back.

I worry about the future though. We could try a move again in 2 years when eldest has finished his GCSEs but the children will have greater ties to their friends by then. I also don’t want to stay in the area - the house is amazing but the area is awful and I can’t imagine retiring there with no nice places nearby to go for a coffee/hubby to cycle/play golf etc. I would also rather not have my kids/grandkids raised there - I think there’s far better places with better prospects and lower crime. The problem is, our house is amazing and we’ll not get anything as large or with as much land in this new area.

My son (14) is getting on better than my daughter (12) who’s really struggling to gel with anyone at school. It’s heartbreaking to see her sat inside every night on her own. She used to be out with her friends all the time.

Would you stick it out? Try again in 2 years? Or just resign yourself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of your life? 😂

Yes you stick it out. Year 7 & 8 are hard for girls regardless, friendships dynamics are up and down like a yo yo.

What interests do the DC have and what out of school things have you lined up for them?

We had the hockey/football/dance/cheer lined up for our girls as we moved.

I refused to resign myself to living in a sh*thole for the rest of my life, so moved sufficiently far away! It's nice to live in an area that people haven't heard of, instead of anywhere near one that the entire country has heard of due to its issues. On that grounds, I'd say don't go back, or you will be likely to have your grandchildren growing up there.

Relocating anywhere is hard, because you have to start from scratch all over again. You stick out like a sore thumb if you have a different accent, and school is rarely pleasant, especially in secondary. Are there any local clubs that they could join? Perhaps they'd make friends that way. I did, through Scouts and water-sports.

If you try again in two years, as you said, your children are more likely to have stronger ties to an area- and if you do move, your DD will find herself in the same situation at 14. Your DS might have found a college in the old area that he wants to stick around for, and then you'll be putting off the move for another 2-4 years to accommodate your DD finishing school and going to college.

Therefore, I think I'd do my best to stick it out. Come hell or high water, I wouldn't be going back to a sh*thole. As they say, you can't polish a turd, and the area is unlikely to get any better!

I'd go back while the kids grow up and move when they're 18/finish school/leave. Life's hard enough as a teen without being moved somewhere you hate on the basis it's meant to be better, rather than for anything necessary like parents' job. There's no need to overthink about retirement and equally no need to push again in 2 years when kids will be at an even worse stage to be moving. Move in 6 years and stop thinking of it as a shithole. Home is where the heart is and the kids' happiness is a huge part of that.

Ahh those are difficult ages to move school. I think I would move back and then make the move when your daughter is older. Just because you don't do it now, doesn't mean you are destined to stay in the old area forever.

Stick it out! I think you potentially chose a difficult age to move the children which may take them a while to settle but long term it sounds like it'll be in their interests to stay.

How posh is everyone really? It can be one of those words that gets thrown around to the point it's hard to know whats being meant. Is it mainly the accent or are we talking entirely differnt walks of life? If it's mainly the accent (which can take a while to get past any unintended preconceived ideas about) then just wait it out. If it's that you've moved from e.g. a nice house next to the roughest council estate to somewhere like Chelsea, then I think that's a huge cultural shift. I don't know what the answer is as I wouldn't want to live in either!

A rough area can be very unaspitational for teens growing up, and also have lots of less savory things going on that are easy to fall into out of boredom. A posharea can be incredibly superficial and out of touch with humanity, and can also have some really nefarious things going on (although i wpuld argue not as easily fallen into for an out of place teen).

Without more info I'd probably gamble on staying put in the new place but it sounds really hard. If the people in the old area are wonderful but the place itself is just a bit shit then that might swing me back that way!

I'm picturing Beaconsfield level posh vs Luton level rough. Is that about right, OP?

We had done some horse riding and football in the summer holidays. My son has fit in really well in the football team (both at school and in the village), my daughter hates everyone!

Scunthorpe vs Cotswolds 😩

Woah that is some culture shock!!

Having come from a Scunthorpe-level northern town, I'd have hated that move. Moved to London for uni and stayed, and still like the mix rather than full posh. Think that's a really hard one and probably better for you and DH later on.

(Mind you, it's a much easier move for teens than Cotswolds to Scunthorpe! Imagine their current classmates' struggle to fit in if they did the move north)

Oh, thats a big move. And with tricky ages. You can always move once they finish school?
If you want to push ahead you need to get the DC into any club they have an interest in, so they can make new friends. Buy a pony? Soho Farmhouse membership? You'll have to sell this move.
It will be very hard work and Id advise not going back to your old house. Maybe for Christmas, ideally not for a year, but they'll never settle if they think "home" is an option.

Their current classmates would get crucified up north!

They don’t like the new school because they say everyone behaves. I explained that that’s what school should be like!!!! My son is ok at school because the other kids think he’s tough. He’s found friends no problem but they just aren’t like his old friends and he doesn’t feel like he fits either. He almost got sent off the football pitch at the weekend for something that would be more than tolerated up north.

Totally understand. By that age it's part of their identity. Reminds me of a quote from a Carol Morley interview I read this week:

“There’s a weird northern mentality; everyone thinks their hometown is crap but is very proud of it. The big T-shirts in Stockport now say ‘Stockport’s not shit’.”

That's a very different mentality to where you've taken them and golf clubs and naice coffeeshops won't be much comfort. Maybe a less extreme move to a much nicer part of Scunny/local environs would be better for the short/mid-term then you and DH can go wherever you like when they're out of the door.

This is the problem, they see that our house with all the space and land is still there and we’re in a tiny rental.

If we waited until they finished school they wouldn’t want to move with us and I really want to stay close to any grandchildren. I don’t feel it’s safe to bring up teens where we are and the prospects later in life aren’t great.

Soho Farmhouse would be our worst nightmare! 😂 We’re not pretentious at all, just got lucky in business.

However, I am going to struggle to go back to a village next week that serves cup-a-soups in the cafe when I’ve been getting used to Daylesford Organic.

It's tricky when you've still got your old house and going there feels like going home. How do you think you'd feel if there wasn't the option to go back there and you owned a home in this new location?

From what you've said about your DDs schools I'd be reluctant to go back.

Could you try a different area up North? Maybe Beverley or other villages not hours away from home

If we waited until they finished school they wouldn’t want to move with us and I really want to stay close to any grandchildren.

But there's very likely a big gap in that timeline. If they move out at 18 and have kids (if they choose to) in their 30s, there's over a decade for you and DH to golf yourselves silly. Plus they likely end up in different places and have kids at different times, so you shouldn't plan this move around grandchildren because you have no control at all over your DCs or GDCs future, so don't get into that.

Sure there must be nice and safe places with good coffee much nearer Scunthorpe without having to go full Cotswolds, and if you're minted then the DC's prospects are good wherever they are and you can support them and expose them to all kinds of good opportunities. You don't have to consign them to a shithole but this does feel a bit extreme at a formative point so not surprised they've had an extreme reaction. Seems like you could get best of both worlds.

It’s quite unlikely your children will raise their children where you live, especially if they go away to uni.

your children are now old enough that they think of themselves as “from” their town, and the new place will always be new.

14 and 12 are not good ages to move teens.

(as an aside, why on earth do you want to retire to the Cotswolds? It’s super expensive, full of tourists, and very rural - my friends mum has just moved into Stroud because accessing healthcare was hard).

We had thought about Knaresborough or Harrogate but the Cotswolds has so much of what we were looking for. We’re also not city people and neither are the kids. We’re very outdoorsy - the cycling and horse riding combined with lovely walks and great schools within walking distance really sold the Cotswolds to us.

There is absolutely no guarantee any future grandchildren will be raised in the new area - if your kids even choose to have them. They might be as likely to move to Australia as to stay where youve moved them to, especially if they’re unhappy there

move back. community and familiarity is more important than a posh area, especially for teens.

look for a move when both kids are 18 to a nice location within 30 mins of scunthorpe and see what you can find. there are plenty of options.

can’t you move back and put the kids in a nicer school if you’re well off? I think if you’re going to uproot kids you need to do it when they’re younger.

There’s very little crime, the schools are excellent, we love eating out, we love being amongst nature, the hospitals are so much better than where we’re from and there’s next to no building or mass immigration - our area has totally changed.

We did look at Stroud but it looked a bit run down. Money isn’t really a worry, we’re managing to find some lovely places to eat where the locals go.