Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

Are any of his reasons for not paying for private education near you valid? What has your relationship been like previously? He sounds horribly controlling.

Such wicked manipulation from your Ex.if it were a genuine act of parenting and about your child’s best interests then he would fund private education near you or him. He’s not offering that so it’s manipulation. Say no, let him take ou to court and hope that screws the timing.

If it was about your daughters education, your ex would pay for her to attend a private school near you; it’s all about your ex wants to be in control of your daughter.

Hope I’m not overstepping here, but when he had her EOW/ half holidays, did he facilitate her going to Jenny’s birthday party, a school sports match, the Brownies’ overnight camp, a day at the seaside with Sara’s family…? If not, why does she think he will suddenly become Supportive Dad when she’s living with him? I know we try not to give our children the full picture of how hopeless the ex was, but maybe it’s time to gently unpick some of his track record with her. Of course, then you’ll be “turning her against him”.
Best wishes OP.

Your ex and his partner sound very manipulative and I'd be worried they will continue this if your daughter moves to control her- they may very well turn her against you and not allow her to move back home to you easily.

It's very much a fallacy that private education automatically results in better results over state.
The biggest factor is parental support/involvement.

Yes she would benefit i am sure. Though she does very well where she is.

for me it is at what emotional cost is the academic gain?

can I ask how old your child is? Are they happy with the arrangement?

I feel torn apart by this . I wish he had never brought it up but it was always on the cards: he comes from a cold family that put education and achievements above everything else.

he says that the private schools local to me are more expansive, which is true but I am sure he could afford it .

@Wish44 Why do you assume your daughter would do better in private education than state?

You can turn that one around and say they’ll be better then, obviously. And aren’t your dc worth it?

As others are saying, don’t presume private education is better than state. You don’t pay for a better education. You pay for smaller class sizes and more resources. You pay for a more nurturing environment or one, where there are fewer disruptive students etc.

Your dd is thriving in her current school. She may not in this school, because she won’t be around you. As I said, I wouldn’t move her. I moved my dd to private school because she needed to go. Had she been thriving in her former state school, she’d have stayed. Your dd doesn’t need to be moved.

It seems to be getting a bit more common. At one time it was seen as the norm for kids to stay with mum, but maybe that was because men used to be the ones more likely to cheat, and a lot of women didn't work in the past?
No one can generalise about an individual family, but if it is any comfort, I do know some brilliant single dads as well as mums (I know in your case, he's not single). So sorry you and your child are having to go through this.

It is true it’s not a sure thing and yes I fear that if she was unhappy at her dad’s her studies would suffer.

I do agree - I suppose i worry that if I refuse permission to go and then she does not do as well as she wants in her exams she will resent me.

I think I have decided today that at the very least I will say to her that while I will listen to her views it’s up to me and her father to make the final decision. I know I couldn’t stop her if she packed her bag and left and not would I stop her if she was 100 % saying she wants to go - but she isn’t. This decision is too big for her