Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

I wouldn’t let her go just for education sake. We’ve seen lots about people being sent off to boarding school and suffering mental ill health as a result. What does she think?

I agree with your assessment. An emotionally withholding, critical, judgmental father will do untold damage during the teenage years.

Ultimately it is her choice to make though and you will still be as involved as possible in her life.

She might get a better education.

She won't get a better family life.

I wouldn't be keen.

What school year is she in now? Year 9 then academically it maybe OK but year 10 I would say no way to a school move.

I know that legally I can stop her by not signing. But she really wants to go. If I this her I will damage our relationship- which is the thing I am trying to protect.

i feel I have to let her go if she is saying it’s what she really wants . The problem is she is too young to understand the damage he will do and what benefits I bring. I spend my them facilitating her life and clubs. He won’t do that

Yes year 9 - that is why they are doing now and I inisit she moves ASAP. She is saying after Christmas and they say no it needs re be after half term .

i can’t believe my time living with. MY daughter may be up. It’s such a shock

Does she understand he won't entertain clubs and the life she has now?

Well something posters don't seem to understand is it's not about "letting" her, it's about making things as easy for her if she decides to go and things don't go well. I know the heartbreak of a child leaving to go to another parent but I ensured they didn't see it. I supported them and made sure they knew I was always there for them. Unfortunately they now refuse to see me. There has been severe mental health problems and I'm to blame for every thing. I'm sure I didn't do everything right but there has been a degree of parental alienation also. Only time will tell.

I think you should tell her you don’t think it’s a good idea and that when the novelty wears off she’ll be away from you and all her friends. Say you’ll back her but she needs to hear what you have to say.

Got to be honest, this sounds like a terrible idea and I can’t imagine why she or you are considering it.

Is her school really that bad? Yes, education is important but so are extra curricular activities/friends/family support. Surely she can see that? Is she likely to fail exams at her current school? Or is it just that the private school has better facilities that’s drawing her in?

Blimey.

Most 14 year olds would be very loathe to leave their friends.

Does she feel she has to say yes to her Dad?

I would spend some time with her and let her talk freely about what she sees as the pros and cons and what is her thinking.

I would also suggest she talks it over with her friends.

I would be upset (very!) and furious with her father, they had no right to discuss this direct with her like tjid.

BUT please try not to take it personally. She may feel so secure in your unconditional love but afraid that her Dad needs her to comply in order to have his love.

And hard though it is your distress should not be part of her decision making. But it’s ok for her to know how much she means to you.

Not really- he says that she will get it all in the school, he may think he will facilitate all these things but he has no idea how much time it is. He works long hours and then has loads of hobbies , he is a selfish man. His wife may step up but she has a child who she will be doing these things for .

i am in a very difficult position as if I start talking about these things she then asked her dad who then writes me messages saying I am trying to influence her .

She won't have a happy time with him. You know that.

Has she said WHY she really wants to go? What is it about the new life that is so alluring? It might be worth digging into it and find out if her expectations are realistic. Is it one of the big public schools that will more or less guarantee her a privileged future or just a fee paying school?

It is difficult because you do want them to have a say in their own future at this age. I think I would say no though, personally, unless I could see that moving was more likely than not to give her more life opportunities

How old was your DC and how long has this been happening? Im so sorry.

and I agree it’s about supporting their decision as at this age they will vote with their feet

Im in a very similar situation, I've told my daughter no she can't go. I still don't know I'm doing the right thing. However I believe I know my daughter and her needs better. She pushes back but I stay firm. The promise of probate school and endless Disney daddying will not last long . I've said once she's finished her GCSEs we can reassess. It's a battle that's worn me down but I think it's better whilst she's a teenager in her formative years to stay with me

It is a well regarded school.

she is academic and will do well wherever she goes .

how would you say no though? If your child would then see you as being someone who was standing in their way. She wants straight 9’s

I think you say to DD that you don’t think it’s the right time to go and to move there for her A-levels.

Explain that there will be established friendships groups and her Dad will be working and what if there are no clubs. That if she were unhappy she couldn’t move back due to school spaces etc. You could also offer extra tuition if she wants better grades/more academic support.

I would also suggest she spends all 6 weeks of the summer holidays there to get more of a feel of what living with them is like.

I went to live with my dad at a similar age. I chose to go because I didn't want to move with my mother and her new partner, I wanted to stay at the same school I already attended.
But my dad was quite different to the one you describe. Although he certainly wasn't a 'traditional' dad (he was always out at his various hobbies, he didn't drive or have a car, didn't have a lot of money) he was always there for me emotionally and supported my education, encouraging me to go to uni and travel. At no point did he tell me what I should be doing.

I became very independent, self sufficient. We were almost like friends. I look back and see now that he was always there for me, just in a different way.
If you don't feel your child will grow and develop, be happy and supported, then don't agree to it.
What is her father's motivation for offering her to live there? It sounds a bit worrying to me tbh.

I agree that she is loathe to say no to her dad. He presents it as a choice between no future in the world if she stays at state or a wonderful life at private.

yes she is sad to leave her friends but is quite unrealistic about this and says she will see them all the time still (- when I don’t know) and of course they spend lots of time on the phone.

i her head it feel like she will go there in the week and return home every weekend . Her father will not allow this i am sure

To what extent can the door be left open so she can return when she changes her mind?

You can be straightforward with your views. "I believe you have many good things living here and we will miss you terribly. We would look forward to seeing you as often as possible. I won't stand in your way but you always have a home here". Rinse and repeat.

So you chose the status quo- to be honest when my daughter first talked about this I was not too worried as I presumed she would also - as the status quo is good.

but it’s not the case.

how can I actually stop her?

how do you mum cope?

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education.

They should have quietly discussed this with you before talking to your DD.
Does your DD actually want to change school? Is she at all unhappy where she is?

Yes I will definitely be saying this.

I imagine once she is there then there will be considerable pressure to stay. Also I am hoping she will actually like the school. It’s the slightly toxic home life i am concerned about that she may not notice. He is a controlling a grumpy man

I think if she wants to do it and her other parent is OK to pay, then at 14 you really don't have a lot of choice.
It won't stop your relationship being strong or her coming to you for emotional support.
I'd tell her that you do have some worries of course and will miss her, but understand that she is growing up and you are impressed that she wants to focus on her education and take this opportunity and that you are just at the other end of the phone.

She knows what her dad is like and she will still have you for support. It will just look a bit different. It will be looking different at this stage of life anyway though.

I think you have to trust her and support her, and if her dad wants to do this for her GCSEs and A levels and she wants to then it would be wrong to stop her.
If she hates it later then I think it will be easier to get her back into state school than it would the other way round.