Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

I would email and say you are against dd being split up from her sister, they have always lived together plus moving out of her home as it is needlessly cruel for both of your children. I would put that if dd really wanted to go to private school then it would have to be one closer to where she lives .. with you and her sister. If he is so concerned over her education he wouldn’t want to take her away from sister and home and that would cause her great anguish and be very disruptive for her education.
I would die on that hill @Wish44 and any arguments he puts forth just makes him shit.

If your daughter is worried that she’ll regret not having a private education already then I would take that very seriously. Children often only remember the negatives. If she doesn’t get the results she wants and needs then she may resent not attending the private school. I absolutely know that it won’t be your fault and there is no guarantee that she would get better results at a private school. I also think your ex is disgusting fur putting you and your daughter in this position. I would tread very carefully here. I am in the camp that thinks it may be better for her to see how unhappy she would actually be. Is there any way she could attend and still live with you? I have older children and younger children and would do things very differently if I had my time again with the older ones. Sometimes you have to let them see just how bad things could be and be there when the penny drops.

You're supposed to influence her. You're her mum. He's trying to influence her too. Why is it ok for him and not you?

Fuck him. Id absolutely say no to that.

He already is op.

yes I see what you mean.

A compassionate person would never suggest removing a 14 year old from their home and allowing them to see their main care giver for less than 48 hours every other weekend.

Yes - he says the local private school is more expensive, which is true and he also thinks it is small so will be at risk of closure.

Yes I am worried about this in the future.

but I have I am more worried about the damage he would do to her if she lived with him.

it’s a crap situation but I would rather be apologising to her when she is grown up for not perfect GCSEs than for being moved from us.

she could not go and live here as it is over 2 hours away.

i will be working hard to make sure she is academically successful here and I take her to extra curricular every evening.

If you’re worried about her living with him but agree the schools by him would be better have you thought about her boarding during the week and coming home to you on weekends?

the school he has chosen is a day school.

if she boarded and came here every weekend she would never see her father so not sure that would work anyway.

If he had her best interests at heart he would work with you and your dd to find her a private school near to where you are. Why does he have to have her up there away from you and her whole life?

It appears that your daughter is content with the decision you made. It’s probably a relief for her to not have to have to deal with her father’s nagging at her to live with him.
A fourteen year old girl is on the border of adulthood and is at an age when she will often need her mums help and advice; which is something she will not get from her father. You have said she is already doing well academically and that you will make sure she has any extra support she may need, so l’m sure she will be fine and you have made the right decision for her.

So to update and wondering if anyone has any suggestions.

I sent my email to ex on Friday: this morning i have had one from him saying he will now not see the children at all at the weekends- only in the holidays and he has blocked me on WhatsApp.

i feel so shocked. How can he do that to the children? Also he has a son with his new wife and now they will hardly see him.

I suppose the only good thing from this is it makes it clear I was very right to be concerned about her living with him. He is emotionally immature.

On the upside, does that mean he'll have to pay more child maintenance? 😇

He doesn't care about the children.

Wow! That just proves that it was for his own agenda wanting to control your daughter.

He has shown himself to be a vindictive individual .

I think your daughter would have had a miserable existence with him.

Thank goodness you decided to say no.

Oh goodness. Imagine if she had move to his, what would his response be after the usual teenage arguments! Make sure you speak to her current school so they’re aware that you don’t agree to her been withdrawn as who knows what stunt he may try and pull.

Oh my goodness. He emailed that to you as well? What an absolute horror of a man. Your poor kids. You definitely made the right choice though, and he has scuppered any custody-style court battle he might have wanted to make with that email as well.

Thank you - I have now done this

He has titled the email “without prejudice” so that I can’t bring it up in court.

Do you think his petulant reply is about control? Or I wonder whether he actually doesn’t want EOW with his kids and the school thing was a way to switch things so that he got his daughter in the week, controlled her education, potentially had to pay less money, but didn’t have children at weekends?

whatever it is, it is wrong and he clearly doesn’t have her best interests at heart. Good for you for refusing.

I'm not a lawyer. But surely just slapping 'without prejudice' on anything you fancy does nowt?!

Im still in shock really so not sure what I think it’s about.

possibly just an emotional shut down from him. He didn’t get it all his way so he wants nothing. He was like this with me when we were married . I am a strong independent woman but I became a yes person with him. It was just too much trouble saying no to him so I gave up.

sadly I think he may be punishing his daughter for not going. Even though I have made the decision it has been based on her reticence. Had she been keener, as she was to begin with ,I wouldn’t have stopped it.

i am hoping he is having a tantrum and will change his mind. I won’t tell the children yet - I will say he is poorly so they can’t go this weekend.

I can’t imagine his wife is very happy about having her child separated from his siblings like this.

. These awful men making women and children suffer because they don’t get what they want.

Ha ha- yes I did wonder. He used it when we were arguing over the house and finances and he was making offers- so he will have learned it then. But yes im not sure it applies to things outside financial negotiations.

incidentally he happily evicted me and the children from the family home ( I couldn’t afford to buy him out) and didn’t care when we then moved two hours away as all he wanted was the house . Perhaps he is regretting that now?

I bet she will be back within the month.

I wouldn’t sugar coat his reaction with your dd as his offer of private school was not about her education it was about control. He wanted to split you all up and as you put forward a compromise that enabled private school with dd still living at home he is having a tantrum.
He isn’t regretting turfing his children and you out of your home at all, he is trying to punish you by taking your girls away from you. He doesn’t care about their emotional welfare only about ripping them away from you.