Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

It does sound like dad is pressurising her and selling a dream education. It might be a ‘better school’ but it’s going to come at the expense of day-to-day interactions with you, her sibling and an established friendship group. That’s a BIG trade off.

2 hours doesn’t sound a huge journey but it’s far too long for dad to want to bring her back and forth, especially at short notice, so if a friend calls on Wednesday to see if she can come back for a party on Friday, it’s likely to be a no.

I’m also concerned your ex might be favouring paying school fees rather than child maintenance, plus he can claim the child benefit for your DD and maintenance for her from you - I know your finances shouldn’t be part of the decision, but can you afford all this?

Also if he is so concerned why does he want them to move for the GCSE years only? Why not for the whole of secondary school. It’s all very odd.

If he lives with them and they ho to uni and he is on high income they will not be eligible for such high loans.

Your DD is only keen because they have trash talked her current school for a number of years. If they hadn’t would she even consider moving schools, I suspect not.

Having experienced this - going to a private school in year 10 - I hated it. All the friends groups were very well established and Id gone from being popular with girls and boys, to not being friends with anyone. Not bullied, but no special friends either

Is there not a private school closer to you that he can pay for? He would do this if he truly has your DDs best interest at heart.

It’s sad that your DD feels a bit overwhelmed by the situation, but use it as fuel for the fight to keep her with you, if you truly believe that is in her best interests.
Your younger child seems curiously absent from these discussions. Is your DD not bothered about being separated from her sibling? Is your ex not concerned about either child’s welfare at being separated at short notice? How old is the youngest child and do they have any inkling that the same plan is being hatched for them?

Can she do a trial living there first before moving schools? So reality sets in

i am the daughter who got poisoned against my mum by my dad at 16.
I moved in with him but his lodger had my old bedroom and I slept on the sofa.
it lasted 3 weeks
he wouldn’t accomodate me as a child, no clubs, no takin me anywhere, he actually didn’t make me dinner I just had ready meals.
it was all to punish my mum
he would however by us alcohol but that was another story

it was awful.

It would be a hot day in hell before I allowed this , you’ve did all the hard years and now wants to swoop in and put her in a private school away from you , not a bloody chance , let him take you to court , your daughter needs you not a cold insensitive man and his new partner you can absolutely put a stop to this I can’t see it ending well if you let her go

Yes is it really that bad or is it that her dad has had his head turned by all the amazing facilities at the new school?

All things considered I wouldn't moved her. Her wellbeing is about lots more than exam results.
X

Is the compromise a private school closer to you so stays living at home with you?

DD, and all involved, needs to realise that if Dad really cared about her education then he’d pay for a private school near to her current life

What happens when dad's wife decides she resents the cost of the fees? Or decides she doesn't want DD living there any more? When dad won't take her to hobbies and clubs? When she misses her friends?
Is he wanting the best for his DD or is he just controlling?
I am sorry OP. I would be so upset and worried in your position.
Could you ask DD's teacher or HT to have a chat with her?

My dd changed from state to private in year 9, because she needed to go. It is very different for your dd. And she is far more likely to succeed if she is happy.

There is no reason for your dd to go to private school. I would say no personally. Tell her you’ll agree for A levels if she still wants to go. And start drip feeding each time that if there were no ulterior motive, he’d not make the offer subject to her moving in with him.

If your ex tells you that’s manipulation, it just means he can see you’re onto him and his wife.

Your dd has said she wants the decision made for her. I would totally read that as her deep down wanting to stay living with you. But no longer being able to resist the onslaught from her father.

I think you do need to sit down with her and make sure she knows which things will not be possible once she moves.
Hopefully he will keep everything stable till after GCSEs. He should pay for the extra tuition. Does she understand how much extra tuition she will need before she starts?
If it goes pear shaped, there is always the possibility of finding a good 6th form college or sixth form in a school for A levels that is nearer to you.

You need a written, legal agreement that you will not be responsible for any part of the fees. Bear in mind that the fees are only part of the cost of private school - anything extra will be expensive, even if it is just supervision if dad is late picking her up. Or is he expecting his wife to do it all? What about her child?
As pp said, will he be stopping maintenance payments?

The only positive driving factor for the move is the argument being made that she has no or considerably low hopes of academic achievement at her current proposed school. Is this true?Is it really low performing or can motivated academic kids achieve there regardless? Isn’t this the key to the whole thing?

Can you speak to current school? Parents of older children? Could you spring for a tutor or online assistance in any subject where she’s struggling in the future? What positive measures can be taken to secure her wellbeing and options where she currently is with you?

If you can reassure her, that will be key.

Is there a guidance teacher or similar independent third party or counsellor who could help her think through things objectively and reassure her about any fears she has?

Private education doesn't mean boarding school, most independent schools are day schools. In this case that's certainly the case, as it says daughter would live with them. Far more concerning is the attempt to bribe the kid into living with them which does not show dad and stepmum in a good light. If they can pay for private education and they think it's better, they should be doing this regardless where she lives. It sounds manipulative. If this were not the case, then I can only say that many kids of divorced parents swap like this in their teens. Try not to make a drama out of it, say you will miss her very much and she can move back anytime she wants. That keeps the door open.

Does DD know she’ll lose all her friends she’s known all her life?
Maybe say she can go for her A levels??

oh wow thanks for all the replies. I will have a good read later.

just to clarify as a few have mentioned it - he will only pay private if she moves in with him.there are several good private schools near me and he will not pay. Various excuses. Therefore I think that this is about far more than education. Maintenance payments to me would stop and I would possibly have to pay him. However he is very wealthy and I am the total opposite so not sure he would insist on it. Especially as his other dc is with me. He seems to not give two hoots about separating siblings 🤷‍♀️

No, but it sounds like the Dad isn’t doing a great job of parenting.

In that case, it would be a big fat no from me and let it go to court if it has to. By the time your case is heard, your DD will be further along with her GCSE studies and the court would take such disruption into account. Your DD has told you herself that she doesn’t want to decide, she wants her parents to decide. If parents can’t agree, that’s what the courts are for. Say no and mean it.

You could say to her that she could try it, see if she likes it and thrives or hates it, that she has to give it a term, or to the end of year 9 to give it a proper go, and then make a choice for GCSE’s what she wants to do. You never know she might love it and it could be amazing for her, or she might hate it. But I do think that giving it a proper good a term or until end of the year will mean that she has to try and can’t just keep running back and forth and that having date in mind to be able to reverse it will be good for her and you. Because you’ll have time to see if she is happy and the school is really helping her and will help her get great grades. Or she’s not happy at all and wants to come home.

I've read this thread with enormous sympathy @Wish44. Your DD sounds like the sort of pupil every state school would want to keep. If you explained the situation to her current school, might they be able to keep a place open for her until the end of the year? (Not necessarily telling your DD or ex this.) Then your DD could experience the reality of switching schools, losing friends and above all, not having you and her DSis permanently in her life, especially in the run-up to Christmas. If she decided that she preferred life with you, the disruption of half a term would both be not ideal but also not ruinous to her GCSEs and let herself think that she has been allowed to do what she (thinks) she wants.