Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

It’s appallingly manipulative of your ex to make paying for private school contingent on your daughter living with him. If he truly had her best interests at heart he would keep the two things completely separate. I think you’ve got good advice above, to keep encouraging her to reflect on why she feels under pressure to agree to his plan and whether that’s a fair position to put her in. And what daily life with that sort of person will feel like.

I think at her age, it's up to her. Let her make the decision herself otherwise she could always feel like you held her back. Wave her off with a smile and with her safe in the knowledge she can always back out and return home if it doesn't work out.

My parents made a decision for me many years ago that meant I didn't get a chance to try something out, it was one of those forks in the road and had i went the other way, I probably wouldn't be living where I am and definitely wouldn't be doing the job I do. Parents are in their 80's now and despite the passing of time, I still secretly resent them for it as ultimately it was a decision affecting my life not theirs.

I agree- if it was about education then they would pay for her to have private school here at home. But no!

Thank you for this. This is also my worry. That she will be stopped doing something that will be good for her.

would the thing they stopped you doing meant you were separated from them?

She said she’d be relieved if you make the decision. She’s clearly afraid of the pressure he will bring to bear, and the fight he will begin.
I’d consider discussing reducing contact - ask her how she’d feel about that?

I would ask DD to write a timetable of the average week and how she sees it going at her dad’s and then additional “big days”.

For example:

Mon - dad drives me to school, picks me up after and takes me to tennis
Tue - dad drives me to school, picks me up after, takes me home, dinner together
We’d - dad drives me to school, I do sports, dad comes and watches if it’s a competitive match, we go home together
Thur - dad drives me to school, picks me up after and takes me to hockey practice
fri - dad drives me to school, picks me up and drives me back to Mums house so I can stay the weekend with mum and see my friends.

Halloween; I stay at mums and go out trick or treating with my friends

Sophie’s birthday on Thursday Xth Nov, Dad drives me home so I can attend her birthday gathering and picks me up at 11pm to bring me home.

Then go through each line and explain that:

Dad will never be driving you to school, or picking you up as he has work

Dad will never take you to tennis club, or watch your Wed matches or take you to hockey as he works

Dad will not want to drive you back to mums on Friday nights, or let you stay here for Halloween, or drive you back for Sophie’s birthday, so you will miss all those events.

Maybe she’s ok with walking to school, maybe she’s ok with missing her afterschool activities, maybe she’s really not ok about missing Halloween, or Sophie’s party or having no one support her when she competes at whatever sport.

Let her make her own decision about which parent she lives with, but ensure she has all the facts about what her life will look like, day-to-day.

I think you say no and he will have to take you to court. By that time she will likely have started her GCSE and moving won’t be manageable.

Can you get some family therapy for you and DD so his manipulation can be discussed in a neutral environment. Yes if state school is so bad the he would pay for your local private school - inform your DD of this.

Literally ask your DD why does she think he won’t pay for the local private school, why is it conditional on her living with him?

Also that you cannot afford to pay for it if he refuses to pay and then she would have to leave half way through. There is nothing to stop your ex doing this, you will have to also sign the contract and be jointly liable plus all the other costs on top of basic fees.

Kind of, from the age of 14 I wanted to join The Army at 16 to ultimately do mechanical engineering. They basically poo-pooed as it was a job for a man 🙄, I was too lazy (what 14 year old isn't!), too hard to get into blah blah. Basically spent about 18 months eroding my confidence about it until the opportunity passed me by.

I now do a crappy IT job that I was never interested in and have never left the town I grew up in.

You have an amazing, smart daughter. Even she knows that she is too young to be expected to make such important decisions.
Your ex won’t fight you in court. It’s an empty threat as he would most likely lose anyway.

Your ex is being emotionally abuse and manipulative. He's had her on holiday for 2 weeks and has waited until the child is 14 because then they can 'choose' where they live. He's then planning to do the same with the next child.
All the indication from your DD is she doesn't want to live with him or closer to him.
This is not in your DDs best interests - it's your ex being controlling. Your DD is doing well in the school she is in, has friends and an established life. Doesn't sound like he will be around to parent her either if she moves in with him. If your ex really had your DDs interests at the front of his decision making, he would have discussed this with you before manipulating his DD. It would also have been when she was younger.
He'd also offer to pay for the private school nearest to you, if private was that important to him.
I believe you can refuse to sign for her to change schools and he'd have to take you to court to force it. They wouldn't automatically go in his favour.
I would be concerned about how he will continue to manipulate her should she see him more frequently.
Is there a court order in place?
FWIW not all state schools are rubbish, not all private schools are great. There are so many variables. My brother went to a brilliant state school. I went to an ok one. However, both were better than the local state school we were allocated.
Funnily enough, had to do exactly the same for my children. And it's not about wealth or status but what's right for my children.

I wouldn't say she has accepted this decision as even until yesterday she was still saying what if she lived with dad. It doesn't help that him and his family always making remarks about how wonderful life would be there if they stayed . It has damaged her, it's like she feels she's living two lives which are very separate as their dad doesn't coparent with me. I can't let her go though, like you I feel I raised her, I can't let her go to the unknown , here at least I can deal with her , I know her better than her father. Sorry this post is just about my situation but these are the things I'm going through , appreciate it might be different to yours

Are you sure that’s right? I obviously can’t afford to do this and wouldn’t sign.

Why can’t your DD live with you and her Dad pay for a private school near yours?

Load of bollocks - people don’t think that private schools have staffing problems too? Close family are at a top private and haven’t had a proper language teacher in 18 months.

OP I get this is heart renching. But he may have told her that he wanted her to live with him this whole time and misses her dearly and she is his daughter too.

I know you are really upset but maybe he has felt the same for the last 11 years?

You say he is controlling/grumpy and he very well may be but this is through the lens of someone who is divorced from him based on aged information (when you were living with him).

This is unfortunately the reality of children in a broken home.

Let her go, keep the door open and pray she comes back.

Why would he need to do that she had 2 parents, a mother does not own a child

@Wish44 yes you will be jointly liable for the fees.

At 14 what’s the point she’s nearly completed that relevant part of her education

If she didn’t want to go she wouldn’t even give it a seconds thought no matter what the reason was that has been offered to her as to why she should.

You need to tell her to think about it, realise what she’d be leaving behind and tell her that you’ll support her choice and always be there if she changes her mind.

If she’s worried about academic progress could you offer to hire her a tutor if she stays?

This is so weirdly time pressured...

Presumably they haven't had her for blocks of time over the holidays?

I'd suggest to your DD she stays and does GCSEs and then goes private for a levels ... during that time in yr 10/11 she can build up time spent at her dads so she is sure thats what she wants to do...

State school places arent easily available you cant just chop and change at the drop of a hat.

Call the school and ask to speak to the finance office about how it works. It is usual for both parents to sign to be jointly liable for fees, but ask if it is possible for your ex to be solely liable for fees? It will obviously affect the affordability checks - if your ex if solely liable for fees, they won’t take your income into account when deciding whether to offer a place.

Don't bother parents have to sign contracts with private schools?

My dbro went to live with my dad at a similar age. Came home 4 months later.

You can't stop her going op, but make sure the door's open for her

I understand it's hard for you but I definitely think your daughter will benefit from a private education. It shouldn't be the case - it's horribly unfair - but state schools in the UK are wildly underfunded currently....

I am in a similar situation to you - my daughter spends more time at her dad's in tern time because she attends a private school very near his house, paid for by him. She loves it and is very academically successful there and I have never once questioned whether this is the right choice for her. She and I are still incredibly close and spend all the time we possibly can together, message a lot when we are not together etc.

Of course I would much prefer her to be with me 24/7. But her future has to come first.

Be careful, very careful at what you are being asked to sign. You will not want to be liable for any part of the fees and associated costs of the private school.

Will he be applying / expecting maintenance payments from you ? You say he has money, but he doesn't sound fair playing to me.

Ask around locally about private schools - as others have said if he's so anti state, he can pay for local to you private schooling.

That sounds very tough for you . I am glad you have now had the chat with your daughter .

I don’t think your ex is doing what is best for your daughter / what she wants . I would be concerned about the bit where you say he is cold and emotionally critical. I don’t think living with him at this stage in her emotional development would be good for her.

I would also be concerned about the part where you have said he persuaded “ her . It sounds very much like he is controlling her and for an easy life she has just said yes .

I do think that if in the unlikely event that he did take you to court, that any judge / professional would clearly see through the language she is using. It i is clearly not her words and is as you say parroting what her dad said .
You need to strongly resist this , you are the one who is able to provide an emotionally nurturing and stable home for your daughter with her sister . She is happy in her school and with her friends with you . Tutoring , extra input from you can address any gaps in her education .

I think it would be very unsettling for her to move at this stage and as others have said you may also lose her existing school place . Children can be quite cruel and if eg she moved and hated it , they also may ostracise her if she returned as she had gone to a private school .

If your daughter was getting bullied / this new school offered an amazing opportunity e.g she was a gifted musician , then there would be compelling reasons to disrupt her schooling . But this is clearly not what is best for your daughter .

It is right. We’re on the flip side, which is that my daughter was invited to apply for scholarship/bursary places but I would have had to get her totally absent father to submit his financial details, so we had to give up on it. Both parents are always liable.

I spent a long time explaining that I was divorced and we have no contact with him and they said ‘if we believed you, we’d have to believe people who get divorced just avoid paying fees.’ The mind boggles.