Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

Keep the door open for her. Reassure her you’re here for her, you support her decisions, and she can alway move back. It might not last long is my advice.

This is your ex being controlling and bullying. Time to have discussions around his behaviour and nature

If she is expecting something you know won't happen (do you mean come home to your house every weekend?) then I would be finding out exactly how it will work if she goes from her dad. She can't make a good decision without all the information and unless she has it I wouldn't sign the paperwork. I would tell my DD that of course I didn't want to see her less but that is beside the point. I'd tell her I'd be ok for her to make the decision if she had a clear idea what will happen day to day - it sounds like she doesn't.

Of course she doesn't know what it'll be like to live with her emotionally distant dad but that is guesswork for you, too. However she needs to know the practical details before you allow her to make the decision. No 'oh we'll work that out later' from your ex. There needs to be a clear and practical plan about what each day and weekend will look like.

I agree they should have- but they didn’t. They also waited till she was 14 - when the court will just listen to a child- and waited till they had her on a two week holiday abroad so she didn’t see me.

she is genuinely keen on the new school. She has been and had a taster day

she is not at all unhappy but she is critical of rhe school ( parroting her dad) it’s a state school so has its issues- staffing problems , disrupting children. She didn’t have a maths teacher for months.

I have said I will get her extra tuition.

she has said she needs to tey the school else her dad will never stop nagging her

I read that a lot but it always seems more connected to children when they have rowed with their parent.

And this rushed decision process is bullshit too. They slow it down and give you proper information or it doesn't happen.

What happens then ex don't want to pay for public school anymore?

Why would he not want to? He has plenty of money

He father won't stop nagging her? Thats bonkers.

You would be surprised how often it happens if the child doesn't act as he wants to. Or he wants to punish you. Or they get tired of having her around being a teenager.

I wouldn't let my child go to public school unless all fees were paid upfront or placed in a trust out of dad's hands.

Sorry missed this.

no it’s not that bad but obviously private will be better. Her dad went private and just see a state as horror. I ensure she does extra curricula 2 night a a week.

she is doing well at school

@Wish44 Unfortunately you can't legally stop her if she is 14. If it went to court her wishes and feelings would be paramount.
Not saying I necessarily agree with this, but that is the way the family courts work.

Yes I knew this. And this is why they have waited till this age to suggest it.

Yes I have suggested moving for 6th form and I have suggested extra tuition.

OP, I have two questions.

1. Has your DD got a place at the private school to start after half term/ after Christmas?
2. What about your other child? Would they be expected to go to the private school too?

She will have to sit an entrance exam. There is a place

my younger child will also be expected to go at 14.

interestingly we moved house 2 years ago and I suggested we move closer to daddy - they were both a clear resounding no! Which is one of the reasons this has surprised me so much.

also my daughter is really attached it me. For her birthday she has actually chosen. To go shopping with me. She has lots of friends but maybe she is just storing up good times as she knows she is leaving .

Can you move there now? Would it work for you and your younger child? Is the offer still open if you live near daddy and they still love with you?

Say no if you don't want your daughters to move. Let dad go to court if he wants to.

She has been sold a dream. And she is young so if course she believe it.

Thank you for this. Has your daughter accepted your decision and maintained trust with you?

I have told my daughter i am considering saying no. She said she will go anyway- which is true I suppose?

She is saying after Christmas and they say no it needs re be after half term

Point this out to your daughter. She is saying what she wants and what she is comfortable with - and they are ignoring her wants and needs, and demanding she does what they want.

Ask your DD if she wants to live her life like this - every time she wants to do something or says what she is comfortable with, she will get over-ruled and her DF and SM will demand she does what they want instead. Is that how she wants to live?

If they are ignoring her wishes and wants while she's not living with them, it may get worse once she is living with them. They may have painted a a fantasy image of living with them, so encourage your DD to look at how people behave rather than believing what they say.

So her dad won’t stop nagging her?
I find that very concerning.
It seems that your ex husband is trying to control your daughter.
I would be worried.

So you will be on your own without either of your DC in a couple of years? Or even sooner if DD1 starts at the school, loves it, and then DD2 gets the chance to go earlier than Y9.

Have you read the book how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk?

Its all about kids learning to trust their gut and develop critical thinking.

I would be asking your DD why if she is so keen has she mentioned dad nagging, is that appropriate behaviour of him, why is he begging her school.

Be aware you will be jointly liable for the school fees and will no longer receive maintenance and instead will have to pay him.

How difficult would it be for her to return to her current school if she goes ahead and doesn't get on?

Financial control. It truly does happen.