Will my daughter be ok living with her dad?

[Wish44]

hi, I am looking for experience of people who went to live with their dads when they were teens and those mothers who’s daughter have gone to live with their dads. Were you/they ok?

my daughter is 14 . I separated from her dad when she was 3 . She has lived two hours away with me and seen dad and new wife EOw and half holidays. He is ok to her- bit cold and critical and quite strict . She doesn’t talk to him or seek advice about things.

he has his wife have persuaded my daughter that her state school is rubbish and that if she moves to them they will pay for private education. Even though she is happy here with friends and a positive relationship with me. She talks to me and likes spending time with me. I am an emotionally warm and available person.

this means she will see me and her younger sibling EOW for less than 48 hours and half the holidays .But this will become less when she makes new fiends there and wants to stay up there.

i am devestated for myself and all I will miss out on but mostly I am worried that she just can’t see what I bring to her life ( understandably because of her age and we take mums for granted ) . Please share any experiences of this.

I have read all the threads on mumsnet but they don’t often have outcomes - and are often about children leaving in a row . This is so different. Very considered . No fall outs . Thanks

This. She deserves the chance to make an informed decision.

I would really push against this tbh, 14 is the age my dd needed me the most!! I’d have a very frank conversation with her and be very honest about the pros and cons.

else her dad will never stop nagging her
He is a controlling grumpy man

Does she know why you divorced him? She doesn't need to please her dad. She doesn't have to comply just so he stops nagging her. I'd be teaching her about abusing relationships (familial and romantic) and how to recognise them ASAP.

So he wants to take both children when they turn year 10 age? No way. Block it. Your daughter will understand why when she is older.
It is a shame that it’s a choice between a good school and living with your mum. But there is only one choice here.

Yes I am thinking about this. We have only just moved 🤦‍♀️. Same areas and same school bit it’s such a stress. And when I suggested this to daughter she was so upset and said she didn’t want me to move as this was her home - which makes no sense

Is it a boarding school or a day school?
There probably are lots of clubs she can do after school. There might also be afterschool homework support. She won’t be at her Dad’s house for hours and hours of awake time more than she currently is.
I think you have to let her go, but make sure she knows she will forever be welcome at your house.
It’s earlier than you had imagined her living outside of home most of the time but lots of kids who choose to live away from home at this age for school thrive. I would never advocate forcing a teen to go to a boarding school but it really can be a good experience for kids who want to do it at your daughter’s age. Even if this is a day school, it is a similar sort of decision.

She was too young to know about it ( affairs gambling)

I don’t think he would be classed as abusive to her . He just is cold and critical. He tries not to be when he has them for short periods but I know it would wear off if she was there all the time .

day school so she will be living with him

I don’t think your dd has really thought this through has she…. Does she understand how little she will see of you?

Firstly, your ex has a nerve accusing you of trying to influence your daughter, when that is exactly what he is doing himself.
Secondly, I would call his bluff and inform him that you are moving to his town, so that DD can continue living with you and seeing him at weekends, whilst she attends the new school that he has chosen for her. Don’t discuss this with your DD first, just tell him and see what his reaction is.

I 5ink the healthiest thing for you to do as a family unit is move. It’s a stinking signal to your daughter that you value her education but also want to be a daily part of her life. It also removes your ex’s argument that both children will live with him. Get closer to the school than he is!

But she clearly finds him difficult. You need to be more open and talk about his personality together.

she was so upset and said she didn’t want me to move as this was her home
She feels safe with you and in that house. She needs the certainty of a familiar place to escape to, if this big scary move doesn't go well.

Thank you - this is so how I feel

i actually just spoke to my daughter , fuelled on mumsnet, and said I was most likely going to refuse and asked her how she would feel ( I don’t know if I will just trying it out) she instantly brought up her father not allowing it and him fighting me in court. But I carried on asking and how she felt and she said she would be relieved that someone had made the decision for her . She said please can you and daddy just decide without me. I am hear broken for her and so angry they they have out her in this

but then she also said she was worried she books regret the opportunities missed

I have done this. His only response was that my move should not hold up going to the new school.

there are complaints to moving. I have elderly parents here and he knows that

Talk to her teachers. If she is on course to do well where she already is, she doesn't need to leave her friends, she just needs to work hard.
She needs to understand that even at a private school, she will only reap the rewards of her own hard work, the teachers won't do it for her.

Even private schools have various issues tho, just because people pay slots to go it doesn’t mean there aren’t things that don’t quite go to plan!! Teachers strike in private schools x

She has thought about it but the things she puts into the balance are things a 14 year old thinks about - like what sort of desk would she have at her dad’s. When I try and talk about her seeing me so little that doesn’t really register as , quite naturally, she takes me completely for granted and doesn’t realise all that I do for her

Yes - I have quite a few friends who were unhappy in private schools.

Yes I have said this - and one of her comments was after she looked round was then it was still a school!

i have said she can have tutors and do well here. There is an anti state school campaign coming at her from ex and his wife . It’s insidious and been happening for years

we have boy/girl twins - we moved the girl from state to private as due to SEN she needed smaller class sizes. I actually prefered my son's state but my daughter's private school was perfect for her.

The point of education is it prepares you for your adult steps. What does your daughter want to do after 6th form? It can actually be easier to get to uni under an badly performing state school then a good private because some uni's allow for the difference in education.

Moving to a private school at 14/15 - having to break into established friendship groups ... how confident is your daughter? I personally would not recommend it as its not a natural move time like year 7 or 6th form.

If her dad was really interested in her well being he would look for a private school near you or give more money towards extra curricular.

Ironically, my state educated son and my private school educated daughter ended up at the same uni. Private education is not guaranteed to guarantee a child a certain path in life. If a child is academic they will get where they want to go regardless.

Thank you for all the comments I suppose from this thread I was hoping people with experience of this might come forward -

Could you let her go at half term, with the condition that she spends Christmas with you and that you and her will evaluate things then? Half a term may be enough for her to realise she doesn’t like her new life.

There’s one not too far from us and they’ve had staffing issues, cocaine problems, house masters being accused of being in-appropriate, other private schools closing and then this one accepting more and making the class sizes bigger which is something you’re paying for to have a smaller class size. Ultimately wherever they are educated there will be some sort of issue it’s how it’s managed.

I think you should say No .A lot depends on the child really,if already academic they will do well anywhere.My own DD went to an all girls secondary .(failed 11 plus) I cried! Now in industry with a RG uni behind them ,Masters in Physics and 4 A levels .

One of my closest friends chose to live with her father not her mother and she is one of the most grounded, sensible and stable people I know. Obviously this depends on the dad!

Private school is a huge opportunity. I wouldn’t want to deny my child that, but the main thing is that she is happy.

Why not suggest a 1-term or six month trial period?

Presumably she would come to live with you at weekends and holidays? A lot depends on that as well!