How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

You grow a pair and say ‘I’ve mentioned to you before that Xs behaviour isn’t acceptable and she is upsetting my kids so I think the play dates will have to stop until she matures a bit’

Unfortunately you have to accept I think that if you draw a red line and say no to the child coming to play, the friendship with the parents may also be impacted.

That said, you mention that the child is particularly bad with your child (worse than with others). As a first step you could start being much stricter when the child is at yours. The child may not have clear boundaries at her own home. Lay down the law, and first step out of line and the child leaves.

You could also help your own child with being more assertive.

But in the end you probably need to just say to the friends that you don't want the child over. I would say: X does not play nicely with Jane these days. I'm sorry but I don't want her here for any playdates for now.

I would absolutely avoid. She accused you of physically assaulting her. Parents know she is lying but accept it. Your running the risk of more serious accusations. No more play dates or visits.

I mean, how much do you really want to be friends with this couple?
Fair enough to be part of a wider circle and you can continue as groups, just not directly.
Send a kind message just saying something along the lines of you enjoy your friendship, will continue doing things as a group but unfortunately due to several incidents lately you are no longer comfortable having daughter at your home so will no longer participate in playdates. You'll probably upset them, but at least your daughter will be comfortable in her home and you won't find yourself on the receiving end of a serious accusation.

Oh I missed the part that she accused you of hitting her. That is really warped and malicious. I wouldn't have her in my house. You could find yourself accused of something serious.

I’d be very concerned about her making false allegations and potentially ruining lives. Does happen.

I’m so sorry OP how terrible for your DD.

You need to end the play dates. You can phase it in a way that makes it sound temporary. ‘It’s such a shame that DDs aren’t getting on as well as they used to’ we need a break from play dates for a while.

Or you could be much more blunt.

Are they at school together? If they are I would also talk to school as I would worry that the behaviour which I think at this point we can call bullying may escalate further at school.

Just give a 'Sorry, no, my DC don't enjoy spending time with her anymore'.

"Sorry Lisa, I can't have a kid who accused me of hitting her around me. Safeguarding and all that. Your welcome to see me but needs to be without your daughter. She's gone to far."

I couldn't have a friendship with someone this useless as a parent. My values don't line up with theirs. I'd drop the lot of them.

"Sorry Lisa, I can't have a kid who accused me of hitting her around me. Safeguarding and all that. Your welcome to see me but needs to be without your daughter. She's gone to far."

Why are you subjecting yoir daughter to the behaviour of this horrible little brat? For the sake of your friendship with her mother who sounds just as bad?
Bin them off and educate your daughter that she doesnt have to tolerate this shit

“That isn’t working for me.” Should do it.

Exactly.

Come in OP big girl pants on. Stop putting your kids in such a horrible position.

The first post nailed it. Protect your children. Your DC need to see you stand up for them not have them endure this horrible bullying for your friendship. I would have ended the so called friendship when her parents minimised things. The icing on the cake is her making unfounded allegations. Think about where that could lead.

Mate! You need to advocate for your child here!

You say “I have explained that the girls don’t get on, so please don’t drop X off to play, it just isn’t working.”

The lying that you physically abused her, would have been my line in the sand , what next ? Lying that you sexually abused her ?

That kid needs help

put lots if distance between them and your family

Why have you let it continue for so long ?

I wouldn’t have the wet lettuce of a mum in my house or annywhere near me either tbh.

You tell this mum that your children are being constantly upset by playing with her child and you won't be allowing it for a while. They can see each other at school but not at home.
You have tried unsuccessfully to explain and discuss, now is the time to put your foot down.

You don't actually owe anyone any explanation.

But you do have a responsibility to protect your family and keep your kids away from this behaviour.

This. I wouldn't want the child in my house or near my children. There is something badly wrong there.

Explain to your friend that you don't feel comfortable being around a child who would accuse you of abuse. Your friend needs to understand that her failure to parent her dd will drive people away.

Be kind but blunt. She needs to address the problem head on, now, or her school years are going to be a nightmare. You would still love to see her when the dcs are not around.

I would have snapped a long time ago. Just message and say we won’t be having X to play anymore or do any group outings. I’m happy to meet up just you and I if you would still like to.

I would absolutely avoid. She accused you of physically assaulting her. Parents know she is lying but accept it. Your running the risk of more serious accusations. No more play dates or visits.
Absolutely this.
I would be telling mum this as well if she pushes for play dates.
I wouldn't be sugar coating it and being nice about it, that kid is dangerous.