How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

I agree.
When I initially posted on the thread I hadn’t realised that the Dad was having an affair with a friend of the OP.
That child is living in a very unhappy home and is obviously crying out for attention even if it is negative attention but the OP or her children shouldn’t be the ones suffering because of it.

Your Moral Obligation is to your children and to protect them, not to a so called friend. Don't allow that kid in your home anymore. If asked why, tell your so called non friend that your daughter doesn't feel safe with her anymore. Maybe this needs to happen more often to wake her mother up.
Honestly, I can't believe this is even a question. This child has accused you of harming her. She could make all sorts of false accusationa that could mess up your life. I'd stop all play dates and hang out with other friends as well. Come on now.....

Just say. "I am not doing a play date today. Please stop turning up without even asking if its OK." and close the door.
Don't go on about the allegation on the doorstep or this arch manipulator Mum will use it against you. She will think this is what you are telling all her acquaintances about this and the whole situation will blow up as she will leap to defending her darling.

Keep your powder dry and save that tale for a more effective time, if you need to. Just keep saying no.. I'm too busy, too exhausted, fed up with playdates all the time. I don't want to do it. Any of these are crystal clear and don't have explanations she can argue with.

I’m wondering if this post is fake because I can’t believe anyone would keep having this child in their house. You are allowing this kid to bully your kids in their own home, the place where they should feel absolutely safe. I don’t care if you think the parents are your friends, They’re not, they think you’re a pushover. No one thinks it’s ok to just turn up on someone’s doorstep, that is incredibly rude. They are blatantly taking advantage of you. Your priority is your children. Don’t have this child again, ever. I hope your children are not even in the same school as them. Start protecting your kids and yourself, wise up.

I think as others have said, you need to be assertive, lay down the rules and protect your children and make others behave properly in your home. Other than that stop her coming for play dates.
I have found the rules are laid down and other children accept them, you need to make boundaries.

The post is, unfortunately, not fake. I genuinely felt sorry for the mother. Her husband was having an affair, her child’s behaviour was problematic (her words, I’d use far stronger ones but held back) I didn’t tell her about the affair, as the other woman when she told me about it, swore it was over. Some will think I was a bad friend, but I think she knew already and was going to stay with him and what good would it do to tell her. The bad behaviour of the child started only after a few years of us knowing them. The weird reaction of the mother to the kid’s behaviour obviously only started that also. I think all this crap probably lined up with the start of the affair. In any case, we’re not friends anymore. I did talk with her and the conversation went, as predicted, badly, she freaked at me. Not my problem anymore. She’s gonna have to sort her shit out. The mutual social circle have an idea something has gone down. I’m not going to tell them. I have other friends, my kids do too. I don’t want all that drama in my life.

Always best not to get involved in other people's extramarital affairs, the messenger usually gets shot one way or another. Well done for ending this awful situation. It's not surprising the mother reacted badly given her previous unreasonable behaviour but you have to look after your own children's interests.

The other mum reacted badly because you have said you are no longer available for favours and as an emergency playdate respite.
Well done for standing up to her... It's much easier said than done, especially with someone who is used to imposing on people.

Although it must have been unpleasant to behold, her taking offence will at least relieve you of having to put up with all of this, which will probably be an immediate relief.

Try not to worry about the friendship group. You know you haven't done anything wrong. They may not react as badly as you think. I'm sure they have an inkling of what this person is like. If she does start complaining about you, it will probably just reflect badly on her

As you say, you have other (better) friends, and most of all your daughter will be happier for it.

∆ THIS!

OP has updated.

You protect your child and tell them that their nasty little bullying shit isn’t coming in your house again!!!

She has.

Really sorry it was such a difficult conversation. As expected but upsetting all the same. You’ve definitely done the right thing 💐💐💐

Well done for sorting this and protecting your child which is your priority. Must have been hard.
I would be very surprised if the other members of the friendship group were not aware of the visitation and fully understanding.

Well done for putting you and your kids first. The Mum might be nasty now because she lost her free childcare and you're not giving into her demands anymore.
Enjoy your drama free life away from her and spending happier days with nicer friends who appreciate your kind personality.

As this is a "friend" rather than a close family member, I would cut all ties with her and her family as she is not your responsibility, does not support your boundaries plus is putting you and your family at risk. You can explain to your young daughter that her "play date" can no longer come round to play at your house as she is a "naughty girl who does not do as she's told". Children understand simple explanations. If your "friend" contacts you. Just say "This isn't working out for me and my daughter, so it's best we don't see each other in future". No need to apologise, you haven't done anything wrong, just been taken advantage of.

Say NO!

OP has updated.

You did good. It would definitely be dangerous for you to have a child with issues and has made things up, around you, Huge liability. And good for you for protecting your Youngin!