How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

That kids a spoilt brat who’s sees a weakness in you. She’s dangerous and I’d not want her near me or my family. He’s mothers an enabler and got help her as she gets older . There’s a cell with that kids name on. I’d cut the whole family out my life.

Fuck this! What the hell could this malicious little human say next? And about what and who?
The fact you seem to be more concerned about your friendship circle than your children's concerns and happiness speaks volumes!! You should be cutting them all off as they sound unstable, apples don't fall far from the tree as keeps being proven on here. Protect your own and fuck everyone else! How you have allowed this to continue is a wonder. If my child came to me after incident 1, let alone what your poor child has endured, I think I'd be affronting with the parents from the get go

I’ve been in a similar situation with a girl my daughter went to nursery with and her mother, these behaviours continued right up to year 11, and I assume beyond.
I believe the girl to be a sociopath.
I would advise you to completely pull back from spending any time with these people and having this kid around your children. If her parents are enabling her behaviour then how will the situation change? Do your children actually enjoy playing with her?

This. You are at risk of further false accusations.

So your daughter's friend's mother's husband is having a fling with another friend of yours.
Your husband is friends with your friend's husband.
Your daughter is constantly being bullied by your friend's daughter .

If I were you , I'd move out and leave them all to it .😱

Do your children want the play dates to continue ? I would have thought that they would also be expressing that they didn't want this girl coming around she sounds spoilt or indulged at the minimum or is being modelled some really mean behaviour at home

If this woman turns up at your home again just say - "was this arranged? Because we are going out/ going on holiday/ off to the dentist/ moving out soon" (pick one). "could you please message me first next time". And if she does, ignore her and messages. If she mentions it, say "sorry, did you message me? I must have missed it"

Just grow some balls, ffs. Politely snobbing someone is not THAT difficult.

You're on MumsNet, but you can't figure out what MN is?

Help me get my head around this.

your 7-year-old daughter is being bullied in her own home by a child who has accused you of punching her. The child’s dad is having an affair with hour friend. You’re now worried about what might happen to your social circle and your DH’s friendship with cheating dad if you distance yourself from this family?

What about your daughter’s emotional and mental health, growing up knowing that her mum didn’t protect her when she saw her being bullied with her own eyes? I’d focus on that, without delay.

And btw I would speak to school as well if they are in the same one.

Nasty comment, quite unnecessary.

when they turn up you don’t let them in and say “sorry, this is not working for me”, and then stay silent.

Please say no to this child coming over. No vague maybes but a clear no.
Me and my brother begged my Mum to stop having her friend's kids over for playdates. (Childcare while friend worked but dressed up as a playdate). They bullied us so bad. Broke our toys. Physically hurt us. One would twist my nipples. I dreaded them coming over. My Mum was a doormat and couldn't say no her friend, also a friend group like yours and she didn't ask others as they also worked full time, always us. I'm still sad about it now as it made me feel like my feelings weren't important, friendship group more important.

If bully's Dad is having affair with another woman in your friend group then her home life might be making her behaviour worse, trying to get attention. Next time she's over she might acuse you of assaulting her and you can find your whole life ruined. No friends, no job and moving to a new area for a fresh start.

Hi I haven’t read the whole thread but what is your husband’s and the girls fathers take on this ? If they are such good mates they should be able to be part of the solution

I know it’s difficult and l’m trying not to be critical but all your daughter will see is you not sticking up for her and constantly allowing bad behaviour . How is she going to learn to be assertive if you don’t take a stand and end the visits ? actually be strong and end the friendship . The mother sounds super odd too !

The girl's father is probably too engrossed in his affair with OP's other friend to care.

I must say apart from the worrying behaviour of this girl, the failure of the girl's mother to do anything about it , OP's inexplicable reluctance to protect her own children I'm amazed she is bothered about losing this family's friendship which also involves her H being good buddies with a cheat.

The whole situation is awful and the children are being failed by their parents lack of appropriate intervention

If this child is hurting and bullying your child in your own home what on earth is she doing to your child when the play date is in her own home. I assume this so called friend just lets this happen . Omg I’d hate to think about that. Just get rid of this family ,if she accuses you again of hitting her all hell will break loose.You have to protect your family.

That’s nasty I don’t what it means either and probably a lot of people who have joined Mumsnet recently.

"This isn't working for me"

The final straw was the accusation of you physically hurting her. No way. What happens if she does that and there are no witnesses and it spirals? Not worth the risk, I'd cut them out. If mum still thinks the sun shines out of her kid's arse when she's been awful for you and mean to your children I'd say it's no great loss to cut her out too.

It's a good lesson for your children to learn that it's OK to not feel you have to spend your precious time with people who hurt you or are mean to you. Friends should make you feel good, make you laugh, make you comfortable and safe in your own home, not whatever drama this child leaves in her wake.

But the mother was there when the girl accused @Janetwin of punching her and shrugged it off as "something she does when she's tired". I think the only way to avoid allegations is to see neither the child nor the parents.

Next time they turn up expecting a play date just say ' Sorry I'm not comfortable with your DD being here after the allegation I hit her last time. It's probably best we cool of the kids friendship for now until they are a bit older as they don't seem to enjoy each others company anymore' Leave it at that. If she starts making excuses or tries to change your mind keep repeating no I'm not happy with the way things are when your DD is here.

Why on earth would be around around a child who had accused you of hurting them? Why would you allow a child who is cruel to your own DC into your home? Allowing your children to be treated so appallingly awful OP, you and your DH should really sort it out asap. Bugger the friendships

Nope!
Id sooner end the friendship than have to deal with a kid like This. One day someone will believe you hit her and life will become harder.

The mother sounds like a weirdo. Saying 'this isn’t working for me' and then going silent is not right.
I wouldn't have had the child back after she locked your child out on a freezing day. If the parents genuinely want to talk and understand why, try it. If they deny or pretend the child hasn't done anything, fuck em; tell them clearly their child's behaviour is unacceptable and sometimes dangerous, and refuse any further requests for play dates.

I really hope you will be firm and say no more. Otherwise I can guarantee that your children will remember that you subjected them to this bullying child for the sake of a superficial friendship.