How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

What does your DH say to the father of the child who treated your children so appallingly repeatedly and who falsely accussed you of assaulting her ?
Is your DH sticking up for your kids and you?

OP, I hope you can find your voice with this, and believe me you will feel much better once you’ve said it/sent it as a message.
I’m someone who used to find it really hard to confront things, but now I’m at the perimenopause age I’m starting to find it easier to be direct.
Other posters here have given good examples of what you could say.
Personally, I would put it in text message, then you can draft it and redraft it… you can still be polite and civil (if you want!) while being firm and clear.
The fact that the girl made a serious untrue allegation against you, and that her parents know it is untrue, is shocking. You can use this in your reasoning.
The girl’s mum is clearly someone who puts her precious child first, so she should understand that you can do the same.
You could include the lines: “I can’t risk being in that situation again of X making a false allegation against me. Also, I can’t risk my daughter being treated in that way or in the way that X has treated her before (eg being locked out, and told cruel things). I’m sure you understand.”

Yeah this is the thing. There’s kids being silly and then there’s really damaging accusations. This time it was obvious you didn’t… next time it might not be as clear and it’s her word against yours.

my daughter is much younger but on occasion would say things like ‘daddy hit
me’ when she bumped her self in some inconsequential way and wanted attention/a hug/ an ice pack… I’d always say ‘no he didn’t, you bumped yourself on the train track, don’t say daddy hit you because it’s not true’. She wasn’t lying, it was more a case of filling in the blanks, she didn’t remember what happened so would say the first thing that she thought of (she has a baby brother who’s prone to hitting, so it wasn’t a giant leap!)

She surely cannot come to your house anymore? The list of incidents against your children should really have been enough. But to falsely accuse you is dangerous territory. You can say to your friend that the behaviour plus the false accusations mean that she can't come round.

You tell them that, the bullying of your daughter aside, you cannot have a liar in your house who invests stories about an adult hitting her. That could have a serious safeguarding implication that might affect your job, family etc, and their daughter isn't worth that in your eyes.

You teach your daughter selfworth and value and cut contact with these toxic fucks. It rrally is that easy.

Does your husband know what’s been going on? Surely he wants to protect his children? Bugger ‘social standing’ , your children come first.

When she comes to the door to drop her child at yours, you say…
‘Hi Jane, I wasn’t expecting you and no sorry, it’s really not convenient but don’t worry, I will let you know when I can next I do a play date, see you next week’
Surely that’s what anybody would say anyway …all part of adulting properly, especially if the play date wasn’t pre-planned.
So start with that …every single time.

You simply can’t have this friend dictating your own household and plans. So politely let her know, on repeat, that it’s not convenient.

The thing is, she knows she is being cheeky by so casually dropping her off all the time, as if it’s normal.
It isn’t normal.
She’s probably desperate and needs help…who knows what sort of problems she has, but it is clear that she can’t talk about it and that her daughter is a law unto herself, probably as a result of her mum’s lack of parenting. And the situation is becoming worse. So you need to get a handle on the negative effects of that situation on your own family, as soon as possible.

You just have to know (and really understand) that it isn’t your problem to fix and allowing this casual arrangement to continue has now become so risky to you, that you have to change your ways and become more assertive very quickly.

If pressed for a reason, there is nothing wrong with saying, ‘look jane, I don’t want to fall out, but our two daughters are just not getting along at the moment and need a break from each other so let’s leave play dates for now and we can re-assess after half term, I’ll give you a call then.’

Put your own family first, now that push and come to shove after the fake acting incident. It’s not impolite to stand up for your own child and for yourself when necessary. And it has now become very necessary indeed.

I feel bad for my social circles of friends also… I just know I’ll be the one frozen out. But the situation is not sustainable.

Why on earth would you want to be friends with these people…

This. Each time you have this child in your house, or alone with you, you risk this. TBH, I’m aghast that you continue to allow her in. The moment she locked your child outside of the house, that should have been it.

You need to model good boundaries to your children, and show them you have their backs.

Time to step back quickly and fade the relationship.

This. Sounds like a horrible kid. I wonder where she’s getting it from. Her spineless mother clearly an influence

Just tell her - your DD's behaviour means that my DD does not enjoy seeing her so I am sorry she cannot come round again. Just say NO!

Has your husband not raised it with his really good mate?

Why on earth did you tell this woman you feel like a bad parent?! As for your social group, chances are that they too have suffered with this kid, but no one is sticking their heads above the parapet.

Surely if your DH is such good friends with the dad, he’s able to tell him what’s happened? If my child was making false accusations against my friends, I’d want to know.

Surely your husband cares more about his child’s safety than his own feelings? You’ve sacrificed your kids so as not to rock the boat for far too long already! They can carry on going to the pub if the other dad is sensible and doesn’t cut your DH off for protecting his own kids. If the dad is as useless as the mum you haven’t lost anything worthwhile.

If these people would freeze YOU out for protecting your DC, they aren't your friends anyway. Seriously, get your priorities in order.

I understand how difficult it would be if the woman is your friend - so I would just say "we are not allowing playdates for now" and make some excuse like allergy, house being messy, etc etc.

I would be really pissed off if a kid pretended you punched them and mum did nothing. This could lead to no end of trouble.

It is incredible to me that any of this stuff even comes into your mind as a reason to have allowed this child to continue to torment your children!

There’s no reason whatsoever to expect to be ‘frozen out’ of an entire friendship group because you’re temporarily calling a halt to play dates with one specific child. I mean, did you insist on the mother being excluded from your circles because her child locked yours in the garden and pretended you’d hit her? And if your DH is aware of the situation and close friends with the child’s father, why isn’t he dealing with it?

You are not looking after your own child here. You have to put her first. So when your friend wants to leave her daughter at yours, you need to say, no she can’t come here for a play date. My daughter doesn’t want to play today and he’s still upset from what happened last time and every time she tries again he just say no it won’t work sorry.

After one incidence of meanness, I would have given this child one more chance after a warning, and then that would have been the end of having her round if the behaviour was repeated and told the parents why..

All the comments about advocating for your daughters also applies to your husband .. and for you as well as your daughters. He might feel sad that it will impact the relationship with his friend, but is that a good reason for you all to put up with this situation?

the daughter’s behaviour seems to be escalating, and the mother burying her head in the sand. it’s easy for your husband to gloss over this when it isn’t impacting him (yet) but what will she accuse him of?!

Unfortunately the only way to resolve this is to address it rather than ignore it

What are you playing at? She's never to set foot in your house ever again. And if the mum won't deal with her,she can bugger off as well 🤬

Can you and hubby have a quiet word with the rest of your circle of friends? Especially since this child has accused you of assaulting her.

100%

And saved your H from being accused of sexually assaulting this child in the future.
Because without a shadow of a doubt, he will be.