How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

You’re not clear as to why the child is always at your house, it sounds like she is using you for childcare in a CF sort of way?

you also don’t say what your dd thinks of the child. Does she hate her or is she happy to play with her most of the time?

regardless you need to tell the mum that unfortunately her child can’t come to your house anymore. Prioritise your kid over your friendship. Hopefully the others in the friendship group will realise the mother is unhinged.

this friendship is not worth what the kid is putting your kids through

What you’ve described in your OP is more than enough reason to ban this child from your home and end the friendship with the mother. There is clearly a problem with the child and mum has no idea how to tackle it. That’s unfortunate but it’s not your problem, and IMO you and your family are at risk if you continue contact with them.

The incident where she doubled over and accused you of hitting her, in itself is a massive waving red flag. What are you going to do when she accuses you of something similar and mum isn’t around to verify that it didn’t happen ? Massive step back from this OP. You don’t owe her any explanation other than you consider her child a safeguarding risk to your own children and her inability to address it means you can’t be friends until that changes.

I really don't see why you need to be frozen out of the friendship group if you just pick one of the less confrontational suggestions ie I am busy/not a good time/ DDs seem to not be getting along at the moment

I mean by all means be more explicit but if you are really worried about friendship group then just fob her off for a bit and let the kid friendship fade away

I think the child is in need of help! However you need to distance yourself and quickly.Just say look Sue ,the girls have not been getting on too well ,Shall we just leave it for now. Dont give a time "After Half Term ,Christmas ,or whatever" or she will be after you then .Also how do u know this child doesnt do the same with the other families

Your poor children.
Your friendship with this awful woman is more important than your own childrens safety and comfort in their own home.
Unbelievable.

I feel so sorry for children whose parents put other children first, even when the hurt and upset them in their own home.

It is so damaging to children to realise that your parents care more about other people than they do you.

No friendship of mine is even a smidgen more important than my children.

I wouldn't want this woman in my life.

You’d be taking a huge risk inviting a child that has falsely accused you of physical assault into your house. Your kids should also feel safe in their own home. “No, that doesn’t work for us, the kids don’t play well together” and keep repeating until she takes the kid elsewhere!

Hi OP the child's behaviour is really not normal. But I'm not sure how you've got to this situation where they seem to be just using you for free childcare without any agreement or needing invited or even any notice? I grew up somewhere where everyone was in and out of everyone's houses all the time and no one ever did that! Surely you just say you can't, you've got other plans, or say the kids haven't been getting on and need some space. Or even tell the truth, no one is going to judge you for not having a kid around that locks your kids out and calls them names! You need to be protecting your kids here, you're letting someone into their home to abuse them.

You are not friends - you know each other, there's a difference. Friends care and show mutual respect. She doesn't give a shit about your children, perhaps her child has bigger issues and parents are either in denial or don't know what to do, but regardless you need to stop subjecting your DC to this. They are bearing the brunt of it while you are pussyfooting around. Tell that parents this isn't working for us, no more playdates for now. Sod the friendship group if they choose to take sides. Perhaps your husband can have a blunt conversation with the child's dad - he is equally responsible for his daughter's behaviour - it's not just the mum.

On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?”

To which you said………..?

just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”.

”Absolutely not. I must not have been clear enough with you. I do not consider your child’s behaviour acceptable and will not allow it in my home. Come back when you have learned to stop being so pathetic and permissive and she knows how to behave appropriately with other people. Bye.”

You're worried about "how to say no" to a young child, when the young child in question has absolutely zero issues in randomly doubling over and accusing you of punching her? As well as locking your kids out of their own house in freezing weather. And you're worried about how to word this?

Sorry op but grow some balls. You're the adult here, you have to protect yourself and your children!

If you don't want to lose the friendship circle can you say the kids don't seem to play well together anymore in general rather than blaming her kid? Tell her there are too many disagreements and you don't have the time/capacity to deal with it and also think the kids need a break from each other?

Can you explain to your other friends in advance? You don’t need to go into detail or make a big fuss, just drop into conversations that the girls aren’t getting on any more so you’ve stopped play dates for now. Then you’ll have come across as more reasonable when the other lady starts embellishing it and they are less likely to take sides.

You need to put a stop to the playmdates OP.
If you lose your friendship, so be it!
It will be awkward and uncomfortable, but will work out well in the end.

What discussions are these two lumps having about the situation?

Send a text and say that what happened the other day really unnerved you. Consequently, you don’t feel comfortable minding her at your house as you are open to being wrongly accused of assault.
If the mum tries to say that it’s ok as she doesn’t believe it, tell her she’s missing the point. You could also add that she’s upset/put in danger your child. Sadly, there’s been no improvement in the behaviour so again, you don’t feel comfortable having her while she’s going through this challenging phase. Your house your rules!

When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word

You remind her that these were her words and agree that it isn't working for you either. So best stick to meeting, on occasion in a park or for lunch somewhere.

This friendship seems to be you giving and Mum taking. Does your DH socialise separately with her DH or always as part of a group?
It no longer works for you having the child at your house without parental supervision. You are happy to (pick something) socialise in group, go to their house, go out to something, invite them to your annual bbq etc.
If they or people in the group are genuine friends you should be able to say no being childcare.

This friendship seems to be you giving and Mum taking. Does your DH socialise separately with her DH or always as part of a group?
It no longer works for you having the child at your house without parental supervision. You are happy to (pick something) socialise in group, go to their house, go out to something, invite them to your annual bbq etc.
If they or people in the group are genuine friends you should be able to say no being childcare.

The moment she accused you of hitting her I would have told her mum she wasn’t welcome anymore. Not worth it, she could repeat the claims to someone else and cause safeguarding checks

The mother should be apologising for her child's behaviour and making her say sorry to you and your daughters. You can see why the child behaves as she does, because of bad parenting.

You need to protect your daughters, and you also need to protect yourself. Going by the stomach punch comment, this child could accuse you or your husband of anything, hurting her or even worse.

If she badmouths you within the social circle, you are allowed to defend yourself and if you did lose everyone over it, well it shows how shallow they are.

People pleasers raise children with zero self worth.

They grow up seeing everyone more important than them.
The witness their parents being used and treated poorly.
They see their homes used by users.

Their parents allowing everyone to treat them, their children, their home and property poorly.

They stand up for no one.
The children are given the message that I have no value.

Mum and dad allow me and our home to be used.

Nowhere is safe because their parents bend to everyone's will, even when it causes upset for their children.

I feel so sorry for the children of such people.

I’m sure your joint friends will soon understand your point when it’s them being asked to care for this child!

You have to be blunt and accept you might not be friends anymore.

Their approach will backfire on them when their child is a teenager, probably.

Why are you worried about the friendship group when she drops the kids off just to your house?

Pre empt it, "Please don't drop the children off here to play again. X has made false accusations about me and upset my children multiple times. Once X has learnt to play nicely and stop lying, she's welcome back".