How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

You're worried about upsetting your friend... Why have you constantly let someone upset your child?
Just tell her the real reason why she's not invited over.

My god.
Report to school - this is safeguarding issue. Child may be hurting others at school, may accuse teachers of hitting her, may be experiencing violence at home , may need support to learn good behaviour.
If the parents bring the child for a "playdate" say "no".
It's okay to say "no" and "please go away", and close the door.
You could say "(child) accused me of hitting her", but at this stage you don't need to.
Protect your child.

Edited to add: this couple are not "good friends". Good friends do not let their kid hurt your kid.

The mother sounds as bad as the child
Draw a line and refuse entry (using excuse like words)

A young teen weirdo ex friend of dd2 made false allegations against our family when the girls were 13. Really laughable crazy ones but still. She admitted later it was all lies she was jealous of dd2 and “bored”. Honestly it was chilling really frightening at the time.

She wouldn't enter my house again unless a parent present.
It might cost a friendship to say no. But I would do it.

I would be honest and say that you can’t risk having her alone in the house with you for fear of false allegations.

It sounds like the parents and the child need help tbh. If you don’t want the child near your children then use your voice and tell her parents. Refuse to have play dates, pre-arranged or last minute drop-offs, invest in a camera door bell so you’ll know when they come round, and ffs be assertive with the parents!

Do your DC even like this girl? It sounds as though her parents are using you as free respite and you’re putting up with it for some reason and making your DC unhappy at the same time?

Send a message as suggested by the many posters above or you can do the old MN trick of answering the door with a coat in your hand and say “oh sorry Sarah, we’re just off out, I’ll let you know when we’re free for play dates”.

You may have to accept that putting up some boundaries may end the friendship but the Mum doesn’t sound like a friend if I’m honest, she sounds like a user.

Yes, that’s what I’d do too. I might also add that, since the child herself asked the OP, “what are you going to do?” she’s got her answer. Hopefully she’ll soon learn that actions do have consequences

There were kids we had in our house because I was ‘friends’ with the mum that years later my kids said they dreaded the visits. I look back now and regret it. You assume that children will ‘just play’ but this other child is not parented properly and is a menace to your kids. Don’t put them through it.

Just say to the ‘friend’ “sorry, we can’t have Jane here any more as the DC don’t get on and I’m sick of dealing with all the upsets.”

Why in earth are you allowing your children to be bullied by this child?? it's baffling. protect your children and say, no more playdates or days out. i find it shocking that you're allowing this in your own home. You don't need friends like her nor do your children

This

I would be quite happy to stop her coming again based on the behaviour to my children. What is the purpose of these visits - is she being dropped off for childcare purposes? Or so you can socialise with the mum while kids play? Or cos the kids want to play? The latter 2 seem unlikely, and if it’s the first, tough shit.

accusing me of hitting her would be a hard line though - no more visits. I have a job that depends on a clear DBS and my reputation for not abusing children is paramount, so I’d be very clear and say ‘as she has made a false accusation about me, I am no longer comfortable around her’ and she wouldn’t come round any more.

You've got to say no and stick to your guns even if the parents guilt trip or you fall out over it. Look after your family.

Stop subjecting your children to having to put up with this child being horrible to them in their own home! Just tell the mum she doesn't play nicely with your children and they don't want to play with her any more. It will probably end the friendship but so what? She's not a good friend if she keeps dumping her horrible child on you!

I was going to say exactly this!
The child is not nice to your kids. So she shouldn't be in your home. If she turns up at the door just open and say firmly "no we are not doing play dates at our house now".
If mum asks for a play date just say " the play dates aren't working for us. So no thanks"

You can soften if you are in a wider circle of friends and you want to stay cordial.
"probably best we give the play dates a miss for the moment as the girls aren't getting along that well"

@Janetwin This is extremely serious. Why are you subjecting your children to this girl's abuse of them? Your duty is to protect them!

This girl sounds mentally deranged; no empathy, manipulative, likes hurting people, lies to get attention. You need to keep your children FAR AWAY from her. I can't believe you're thinking more about not upsetting the mother than protecting your kids!!! WAKE UP!

Sorry if I'm being harsh but you really need to step up here. I feel sorry for the girl who is clearly mentally unstable because clearly her mum doesn't give a shit. Neither about her or your kids being put in harms way. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and when the trunk is infested you need to cut it down.

Next thing will be police knocking on your door because she had made accusations about your dh and you abusing her or your kids will get really hurt.

Are you saying that this woman keeps dropping off the child at yours without an invitation? In which case she is a CF and you need not worry about being direct with her. She is using you for free childcare, and is not concerned about you or your children. The malicious allegation against you, while horrifying, makes it easier for you to put your foot down and use safeguarding as a reason why she is not going to come into your house again, or mix with your DC.
Her reaction when you have tried to discuss the behaviour with her is quite weird. I don’t think you or your DDs are safe with this mother and daughter. Put your children first and tell her she can’t play with your DC again, let alone bring her to your house.

what have I read?!? You’re letting this child bully your kids in their own home because the mum drops her off at yours and you don’t know how to say no.

send a text saying you think it best to meet just the mums going forward. The child is being mean to yours and now falsely accusing you. Clearly child does not enjoy the visits and they are no longer safe for you.

sod her if she’s annoyed!! She can take it up with her daughter.

Say that after she accused you of physically assaulting her you’re uncomfortable having her and just be incredibly busy whenever they turn up until they get the message. Sounds like you need to protect your own children from their child just now.

As others have said you need to stop putting your children in situations where you know they are likely to end up distressed. Say to your friend that you have mentioned issues before but it has come to a point that play dates are no longer an option. You 'think' it only happens with you and your girls but the parent openly admitted when she accused you of hitting her that is what she 'sometimes does when she is tired'. Surely that means it isn't only with you? Could it be you are getting all of the play dates as others have already pulled back for the same reason?

You need to grow a spine and put your kids first. She makes them cry, she steals, she lies and you still put them through having to spend time with her. Say no. She can’t come in. You’re putting this woman’s feelings before your kids at the moment

Unless a parent present… Why because it’s not like her parents are doing anything to help the situation? Her parents would be as unwelcome as the child at my house

Bloodybhell - firstly the mum is being a CF just dumping her monster child on you without even asking! When she comes to the door next tell her you can’t as you’ve got plans and the child isn’t factored in. Also just tell her you can’t look after a child who lies about you hitting her, you don’t feel able to manage her behaviour with that in mind that she tells lies.
id this means you lose a friend well so be it IMO

Just tell them. Your kids come first. And what if they believe the child next time they accuse you?