How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

Also.... these people aren't your friends. Friends don't take advantage, or watch their kids be bullies.

The examples you’ve given us of the bullying is what you’ve seen. There will certainly be more insidious bullying that you don’t know about. Perhaps that your children have come to accept as normal.
The false accusation has actually done you a favour because it gives you something concrete to refuse any more visits.
You don’t need to be friends with the mother.

I am flabbergasted that this child actively bullying yours has been allowed to go on this long because her parents are your friends … I mean, do you need to be actually told that protecting your children comes before your friendship? Mind. Blown.

I can’t watch them constantly and her behaviour is unsafe.

That should do it.

We have good friends with a son who is just in between my two kids - so 10/12/14 ish now. We’ve known them since before we had kids. For years they were fine, but over the last few years their son would bully ours. We’d look out and he’d be hitting him etc. Their son does have additional needs and often wasn’t intending to be problematic, just bad impulse control or games getting out of hand. We tried lots of things - always having a parent around, letting my son include another friend, only having them around with other people but eventually we just had to tell them that we just couldn’t have their son around ours. It’s sad as we can’t have them at bigger get togethers (we host bbqs and such) but we had to be on our son’s side and despite all 4 parents being aware and trying we just couldn’t fix it. They totally understood. The original friendship was the two dads (they work together) so they still see each other. But we aren’t able to have family times together anymore.

Long story but your only responsibility in life really is to protect your daughter. Nothing else is important here.

I think you need to accept your friendship is likely over. You may like this mum friend. However, her standards of parenting are so different from yours, that you would do well to distance your family not just from her dd, but from her as well.

You are making a lot of excuses and assumptions about her parenting, such as she will be dealing with the situation in private. From everything I have
experienced with a few families and having an 18 yo dd, I am pretty sure in saying I don’t think she is.

The woman may seem nice, but refusing to treat you and your child as human beings with equal rights and the right to feel safe, is really the opposite of nice.

This woman is no friend to you

“I’ve been reflecting on the other day when Daisy falsely accused me of hitting her. Accusations like this can have really serious repercussions, and as a result I no longer feel comfortable having her in my care. I’m sure you understand, but I won’t be able to have her around any more unless you’re also there [you could leave this bit off if you don’t want her there at all and just end at I’m sure you understand]”.

It is a bit odd that they drop off the child at yours for a play date when they don’t even know if you are at home or busy with your own children. Are they generally entitled?

I wonder if your other friends have the same experience but just haven’t voiced it. I’m assuming the parents of the child are struggling and know her behaviour but not willing to accept it or do anything about it.

Your friend's reaction to you trying to discuss the behaviour is bizarre and points at serious problems in her own head and home.
If she similarly shuts down and is emotionally unavailable to her daughter at home, it is not surprising that her daughter is troubled.

There is likely a lot going on in this family that you are not aware of and wouldn't like.
Please protect your children yourself and your DP by stopping all play dates.In and out of the home.
I would distance my self from this friendship outside of the group, if mum doesn't want to see you 1:1 without the children.

When she smirked and said ‘what are you going to do?” What did you do?!
If she behaved badly in my house I’d call it out, tell her to behave and the consequences if she didn’t. I would’ve told her if she behaved that way again she wouldn’t be allowed over again and/or would have to go home immediately. If she had smirked and said that I would have been tempted to immediately sent her home tbh. I would not allow her to continue to bully my child. You have to just be honest and possibly a little blunt with your friend.

Why have you allowed this child to bully your children? Grow a bloody backbone. You are their mother and are supposed to protect them yet here you are inviting their bully into their home ! Why on earth are you allowing this? Your children can't have any trust in you.

OP, just how badly does this child have to treat your DC, and just how appalling do the accusations against you have to become, before you say “Enough”? I wouldn’t stand for my DC being hurt and upset in their own home by a regular visitor. It’s really not OK for your DC to be shut out of the sanctuary of her own home, or being reduced to tears and having her possessions taken, and the mother’s reaction when you mentioned it to her is downright bizarre. You need to ensure your DC’s safety above all in their own home, and as the adult, you need to advocate for your Dc if they can’t for themselves, You don’t need this child and her crazy mother in your life, OP.

I’m very non-confrontational and can be a bit spineless in situations like this, but even I wouldn’t have been putting up with this! It’s outrageous that you keep allowing her back into your house. You need to grow a spine and put your daughter first rather than your friendship with this useless Mum!

She’d have been given a chance or two to change her behaviour after the first teasing/bullying incidents and then she’d be banned from my house and her parents would be told why! When she said “what are you going to do about it?”, the response would have been to call her Mum and send her home. Or at the very least once she left, I’d have sent a clear message to Mum banning her in future.

I wouldn't wait for the friend to just turn up and dump her child on me, i would message her today, right now, and say I won't be doing any more playdates for her child so don't bring her over as she hurts your children and you won't be putting up with it anymore.

This woman isn't your friend, she's just using you for free childcare.

Also no more days out because her child has accused you of hurting her.

OP, can you really mean they turn up at your door, uninvited, and LEAVE HER WITH YOU?
Either you are incredibly unprotective of your DD or this is a windup.
On the off chance this is genuine, next time say "sorry not convenient" and shut the door in their faces.

She gave you the script.

”this isn’t working for me. I think it best Dd and your Dd have a bit of time away from each other for a while. Your Dd is anxious, my Dd is upset, let’s see how things are in a few months “

If she pushes back “I really am saying no for the time being. Dd just isn’t up to the results of your DD’s anxiety and I need to respect that”

Yes thats good to add at the end. The parent needs to take responsibility for her kid, sounds like she can't really be bothered.

We had similar with friends whose DS was a violent, manipulative bully. (I don’t doubt he had his own issues and needed help, and I was sorry for him but his behaviour was a massive issue.) The parents would do nothing even when they were right there so I would always have to step in and tell him no. I started keeping my DC physically safe by making sure they were never left alone with him and the mum didn’t like it, so eventually the friendship just tailed off which was a relief. But if it hadn’t I think I would have just ended it or maybe suggested only meeting up without the kids.

I do think it’s important that your kids see you stand up for them and protect them. Of course up to a point they have to develop their own social skills and learn to handle other people, but when it’s this extreme and they are being persecuted and bullied you can say no, you’re not welcome because your behaviour is unacceptable.

Frankly, I'm shocked that you have let play dates continue, despite this other child's treatment of yours. When are you going to start standing up for your DC and protect them from this nasty child?

This and I don't think she is a good friend at all. She is showing you no respect in your own home and is ignoring your feelings.

100% thisn

I’d cut these people out of my life without hesitation. They’re no friends.

Seriously you are failing your own child, stop this madness.

Bloody hell why have you let this kid terrorise your kids for so long?! 🤯

You value the friendship more than your children?