How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

When she comes to the door, don’t allow her into the house. Every time you do, you’re giving the message that it’s okay for her to play.

Use any excuse, it’s not convenient, we’re going out in five minutes, Dh is poorly, or the truth.

If you DD and her are not actually friends then it's no point having these 'play dates'. Just stop them all together. Just say you can't host any more play dates for now.

Just say this isn’t working for me and nothing else. The mum isn’t a good friend to you. The child clearly has issues which don’t seem to be being addressed. The accusation of you punching her is a clear boundary crossed. You’re putting yourself at risk having her in your house of further allegations. It’s not a healthy friendship for your kids.

you need to do what’s best for you and your family. Good luck xx

I read posts like these and cannot understand why some people are so weak and feeble that they allow these situations to continue. YOUR child should be your priority. This other girl certainly has issues but they are not your responsibility. You really need to grow a backbone and tell your friend that her daughter can no longer come to your house or have anything to do with your child because of her nastiness and lying. You need to keep your child safe and yourself because I can see untrue allegations being made that will be very difficult for you. Why is this so difficult for you.

This.

Any parent who allows their kid to be around someone they've accused of hitting them isn't right in the head.

You absolutely need to protect yourself here op, use the kid's behaviour explicitly as the reason why she can't come round any more.

And what's with the parents dropping her off expecting a play date? "Erm, no, sorry she can't come and play after her accusations previously."

Use your words. Protect yourself. Show your DC that you hear that this girl isn't a friend in any sense of the word.

@Janetwin Busy this morning?

You have to be prepared to be extremely blunt because your gentle hints are not working

send a text message first - so you have a written record that the child is not welcome and if you want to be clear - say you are prepared to contact social services if the child is abandoned at your home ever again

the friendship is dead but you are not quite accepting of that yet. And it’s hard to see someone you once trusted turn out to be so horrible. Makes you doubt and blame yourself. But see what is here - you have to push them off

people should only blame you for letting it continue. Not for making an initial mistake of trust

You and your daughter are better than that - you deserve real friends not abusers.

Spot on.

Your daughters safety comes before this woman's friendship. 💯

Stop the play dates.
This kid will get worse.
NO thank you - is a complete sentence. 👍
@Janetwin

You have to put your childs welfare before your adult needs for this friendship.

First reply nails it. Protect your child over your social standing.

This, absolutely.

Really? Your daughter has been bullied on numerous occasions and now accused you of assaulting her and you don't know what to do? Bloody hell.

As for fearing the parental friendship would be impacted? It bloody well should be.

I can’t understand why you want to retain a friendship with this woman, let alone allow her child to psychologically torture yours. You need to protect your child over your social life. You don’t need to be confrontational about it, but just firmly say your kids aren’t compatible and you don’t want her daughter at your house any more.

Who comes first in your priorities OP - this woman and her frankly psychopathic DD or your DC? It's okay, take your time.

Now, I'm assuming that having thought about it you've realised that your DC comes first. So act on it. It doesn't matter what this useless woman thinks or does. Protect your DC and also yourself. There was a post on MN this week where a reception age DC had had a dream that her DM hit her and the school called SS. If this girl is prepared to make accusations against you, you'd better hope she never does it to a teacher.

Sadly the OP has dropped off the radar.

When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word.
When the mother wants playdates just say “this isn’t working for my family” and then don’t say another word.

She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her.

Your poor poor daughter. You're failing to protect her against this bully.

When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me”

This needs to be YOUR line, 'playdates and days out aren't working for us anymore, please don't bring your child here.'

As with other posters, you need to say no. Do not subject your children to anymore time with this child who is a bully and has sociopathic tendencies. Your children come first.
Just no.
This friendship is wrong for you and your children on so many levels.

But you’re not even inviting the child, they are just turning up & leaving her. Free child care?

Fuck that shit, just say you’re not happy to supervise the child unless her parents are there after she accused you of hitting her. I mean, I would have stopped her coming when my children were being bullied by her. But this might be an easier place for you to draw the line with the parents given the mother was actually there when it happened.

I’m reading the replies and it’s what I needed to hear. I did already say to the mother that I feel like a bad mum for not sticking up for my kid. She will sever all ties though and I feel bad for my husband as he’s really good mates with the dad of this horrible child. I feel bad for my social circles of friends also… I just know I’ll be the one frozen out. But the situation is not sustainable.

Agree with this - but I’d also walk away from the friendship with the parent. The whole family dynamic seems skewed and the ‘friend’ doesn’t really share your values if she is so dismissive of her child’s behaviour or the impact it has on other (your) children. Just because you have known someone for period of time doesn’t actually mean they are ‘friends’. They are just someone you know and have a coffee with. I’d just walk away from this one.

No do not continue to have her over. Your kids are not enjoying it and I can see real trouble ahead. If she extends allegations to your husband the consequences could be severe. Build clear boundaries now.

I had something similar years ago

My then dc (now adults) used to go to my parents occasionally,while I was at work and would play in their street

One day they came racing in as I went to pick them up,crying and saying that a lad that lived about 6 houses down had claimed I'd attacked him with a knife (I'd just walked down the street,walked in,said 'hello' and everything fell apart)

I'd never met this lad in my life and certainly hadn't attacked him

When I say the old saying 'a lie can be halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put its boots on' I'm not joking

I had to deal with the police and ss (easily proved and case closed more or less straight away) but the rumours and lies where a different matter

18 years on,me moving away miles from the area and the kid admitting he lied and I'm still the woman who attacks children with a butter knife/carving knife/sword (depending on who you listen to)

Dump the friendship and the child-this could get serious-the parents certainty are not taking this seriously but she will take it further as the first buttons she's pressed are not working

Use your words, keep it simple and to the point. Either in person or if easier, by text

‘Jane, after the last few incidents with Bella I’m going to put a hard stop to playdates and the kids socialising together for now; it is getting out of hand and I don’t want any upset either for her or my girls. I’m sure you understand my reasoning, and probably feel the same! Hopefully things will change in the future. Have a lovely weekend, see you at school run/macrame class/coffee on Tuesday/swingers night'