Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Don’t go

Tell them the truth. That he attempted to drown your children, they don’t want to see him and you are putting them first.

Doesn't sound like much of a holiday. Holidays aren't supposed to be that stressful. I'd protect your dc by not going. What a brat.

Don’t go.

Not a chance I would be going.

Tell them the truth. That your nephew has tried to dtown your dc, that he has hurt them (give dates and times) and say your dc don’t want to see them.

Say you appreciate it’s hard to hear bad things about your dc but this is the truth.

and remind them about times in the past when their son has hurt your dc and they have done nothing.

Your h will have to suck it up. You need to be on the same page here, and you need to support your dc.

No way can your family be near that kid!

The truth? Their child hurts your children so you'll pass on the holiday.

I would have the row with your husband first, and then would tell the adults that plans face changed and you’re going elsewhere.

It would be kind of you to explain why to them, but I would probably leave that one to your husband.

Yep don’t go and tell everyone it’s because of your DC being at risk and his parents not addressing it

would you go on the holiday if the adults were hurting you on a regular basis? If the bloke tried to drown you?
No. You wouldn't. You'd wouldn't even be having to wonder whether you should carry on going or not.
So don't go. And tell them why.
And tell your husband to pull his head out of his arse and ensure the safety of his children.

I wouldn't go but as it's already booked, I think you'd need to explain why.

I assume from the OP its DH side of the family. I'd tell him I don't want to go on a holiday the kids wont enjoy but he can go if he wants.
Then he can either tell them the truth or he can make an excuse for you. Who cares, if they take offense hopefully you wont have to make your kids see him anymore anyway.

Yes, obviously!
How are your children going to enjoy this holiday if they are frightened of their cousin hurting them? You need to put your children first on this matter.

He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

He sounds like a psychopath.

9 year old boys can be pretty strong. A 9 year old actively seeking to hurt younger children is weird and in no way normal. You can’t go. What if something happened? You’d never forgive yourselves.

Yes it is DH's side of the family hence even having to consider this.

Imagine your best friend said someone keeps physically hurting me and has tried to kill and I don’t want to go on holiday with them. What would you say to your best friend?

'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

This really stuck out for me, where did he learn this from? Why is he hurting other children and why is he trying to get other children out of sight of their parents so he can hurt them?

YANBU to not want to go on holiday with them, I wouldn't want my DCs around him at all.

As a parent your number one concern should be to keep your child safe. I cannot believe that your husband isn't backing you on this one.

So your dh would rather let down his own children rather than his family?

This child is hurting your children, why put them through this? A hard no from me.

Don’t go, your children come first. They’ve told you they don’t want to go, they have very good reason to not want to.

I can’t see it being a very pleasant holiday anyway, you won’t relax, and your kids won’t be enjoying it.

I wouldn’t go, it sounds awful.

So your DH would prefer to appease his family than stand up for his kids?? Wow!!

I wouldn’t put up with that and I’d tell him to fuck off on holiday without us. Then file for divorce whilst he’s gone.

Your job is to protect your children. Who cares who you have to upset to ensure that happens? My early teen nephew is a strange lad, very sneaky and devious, he bullies his younger brother mercilessly and he's stolen cash from my mum before - but his parents simply won't accept that he's a wrongun.