Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Yes like everyone else has said, you must protect your children. Your nephew may have some serious issue like sociopathy or may just be a mean kid, but either way, you can't let your DC spend time with a child who has actually tried to drown them, that's unhinged. Family holiday time is so precious, don't squander it, and protect your DC.

Don’t go and tell them why!

Your nephew sounds seriously disturbed. Tell your husband he can go without you and your children, if it’s so important to him.

I definitely agree with the above advice. You sound like a people pleaser not wanting to upset anyone or rock the boat, but the safety of your children has to be given the top priority. None of you will enjoy the holiday, living in fear and having to supervise all contact with your nephew. Sometimes it's hard making what you know are the right decisions.

DH can go by himself. He can explain why you and the kids won’t be there. It’s his family, let him have the difficult conversations.

Agrees the behaviour is wrong but supervision is enough.

He’s an idiot. Feel free to tell him I said so.

Absolutely not. Don’t go. Show your children that you are listening to them and take their feelings seriously. You won’t relax anyway and neither will they.

I’ve refused weekends away with my nephew because he used to be a little shit and his parents did nothing about it. That was bad enough.

Intentional attempted drowning and the parents did nothing and he didn’t apologise? No way would I be going. No way would I be seeing them again.

It’s SO important that your kids are taught that they should always have the right to feel safe.
it would have to be a hard no from me, they are telling you they don’t feel safe with their cousin.
sorry OP, being direct, you’ll be letting them down massively if you keep allowing contact with this other kid. Some serious boundaries need putting in place.
doesn’t need a big drama just say it how it is that your kids are tired of getting hurt and you can’t condone it. If that’s not an option then find some way of making up bullshit to say you can’t go

WTAF?? Another child is actively trying to hurt your children, trying to drown them and you're worried about hurting the family's feelings? Why isn't your husband going crazy about this?
I wouldn't be going anywhere near him again. I'd be letting parents know why. If he was older it would be a police matter.

This is very dangerous and should not go ahead. It sounds like his behaviour is escalating and unless it’s addressed I absolutely would not put my children with him where they’re at risk. I wouldn’t give one jot about upsetting family, they clearly don’t give a crap our your kids wellbeing

You have to advocate for your children. Stand up and be strong.
your husband has got to accept this. Shame on him.

They don’t care about your feelings or safety, husband can go alone I would not be taking the children they need to know you believe them and can keep them safe

Be honest, just say your kids don’t want to go as the boy physically hurts them and they don't feel safe. Add that you’ve witnessed some awful behaviour and so your priority has to be keeping the kids safe.

I don’t think it matters what they think and actually a break might help the boy reflect (if he is capable?).

This is a very dangerous and disturbed child. Not just that your children get hurt by him but that he does it intentionally and trys to lure them away from your supervision.
🚩🚩🚩 I think you need to go as low contact (non-contact if possible) as you can. Absolutely no holidays with this family and if your husband threatens to book and take them anyway I'd be removing them and their passports from your family home to a place of safety beforehand. Hopefully,
you won't need to go that far but your husband has to understand this is serious.

When my children were small I had a friend whose son behaved like this. In the end he pushed my DS down a very steep flight of stairs. While I ran to my DS to see if he was injured, she ran upstairs to tell her son that everything was OK and he'd done nothing wrong. We stopped seeing them soon afterwards and some years later, after he had done some awful things, he was diagnosed with a severe personality problem.
Don't expose your DC to this behaviour and tell your family exactly why.

And yet your children could have died. You won’t be able to turn your back or leave a room for a second. What if you need the bathroom?

That’s no holiday at all and he’s a prick for minimizing how dangerous this is. Your children if not hurt will be upset and anxious the entire time. Why go?

If you go then you’re letting your DC know that you won’t protect them and that you’re ok with him hurting them. Are you happy that they know that even their own mother won’t stop them getting hurt?

I would not be going nor would the children

I would also be having a very strong conversation your husband about his apparent inability to be prepared to keep his children safe

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If you go on the holiday, you’re basically saying to the children “I don’t care if you don’t feel safe, your feelings aren’t a priority”. Even if he doesn’t hurt them, that in itself is damaging.

Don’t go, and honestly I would be reconsidering having them around your children at all if there still seems to be incidents happening even when trying to be as vigilant as possible. Your children and their safety have to be the priority.

He doesn't want to let down family?

Really?

I'd ask him to repeat that outloud.
Does he not hear how ludicrous that is??

He is a father. His very first responsibility should be his children's safety over anything else.

I would happily light a match under this inlaw bonfire. Make it clear you won't be going and why. Let them fall out with you if need be. Who the fuck cares. I'd not be letting my children within a mile of this kid.

Is there a consensus that nephew tried to drown your children? That sounds very serious, especially that there was intent to kill, as opposed to just dangerous behaviour (which would obviously still be very concerning). The fact that that others expect you to still mix suggests that it's not viewed not as an attempt to kill your children by them. Do DH's extended family perhaps think you've overreacted to everything DN does?

If it's a big family occasion, send your DH on his own.

Do not put your children in a situation with this mini thug.