Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

But it isn't enough, and he's content to put his own DCs at risk to save face with his family?

Even so, your DCs don't want to be near him, doesn't that count for anything?

You are the only one standing up for your por children, you need to be strong and tell your DH enough is enough.

Don't go, KidPlant, say you've decided on something else if you can't get them to see the problem.

Have you pointed out to DH examples of when supervision wasn't enough?

Have you told him the nephew tells your DC to go somewhere with him where you can't see them?

This would be a hill I'd die on, @KidPlantMum .

There is absolutely no way I would be paying hard-earned money and using precious holiday time to go away with these people and put my DC at risk. It doesn't matter that they're family, in fact that makes it worse.

He tried to drown your DC!
And his parents did nothing!

This is not a minor thing, this is serious.

I would tell your DH that you and your DC will not be going, but he can if he wants to.
And I would tell them why.
Maybe then they will take it seriously.

Who does he think will do the constant supervision?

I wouldn’t go but if for some reason you end up having to go, then I would be raising holy hell over each incident and cause such a scene that no one in my DH’s family would be wanting me to attend a family holiday in future!

And will he be the one sitting by the pool actively watching the kids' every move the whole time, or will that task fall to you as it seems to have done in the past?

Don't go. Be honest about the reason. Respect your children's very valid feelings on the matter.

So is your DH going to do all the supervision or is he expecting you to it?

Your DC don’t want to go, why did he think it’s ok to force them?

I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

I genuinely do not understand how not attending a holiday is “letting down family”.

Can someone explain it to me?

I definitely wouldn’t go. We actually have a very similar situation with my DH’s nephews and we have hugely restricted contact as a result and will only see them in a public space like a cafe for lunch or the zoo etc… we definitely wouldn’t put our kids at risk by going on holiday with them.

No way would I make my kids go. Simply explain that they have failed
to parent their child to the extent your kids do not want to be around him.

Yeah, it’s a tricky one - to take your kids on holiday with someone who has tried to murder them or not? I can see why you needed to ask MN OP.

Did he actually want to drown your children? Does your Dh agree with this interpretation of the event? Because if so, it sounds like there is some desperately wrong with this child.

But regardless, you can’t agree to a holiday when your children have stated they are scared of him. You have to say no. You don’t even need to explain your reasons just no thanks a family holiday won’t work for us.

Tell your Dah to go on his own.

If your in laws hassle you tell them the truth. Keep it factual. Then ask them why they are pushing you to put your children in harm’s way.

Your supervision, right? Because he's busy holidaying with his family?

Edited to add: It would be one thing if the kids wanted to go, and, if I felt I could keep them safe, I would think about it (even though the work and stress of it would mean no holiday for me.) But they, quite understandably, don't want to go, and the cousin is just getting older, bigger, and will get more crafty in his attacks on your children.

Protect your kids, prioritise their wishes. Don’t go.

1. you DH is already letting down the most important and vulnerable people in his family - his children - by exposing them to harm.
2. his family should be upset. They should be fucking mortified that their son/grandchild is a danger to other children to the point it’s unsafe for him to socialise with them and ashamed they have enabled and allowed these behaviour to perpetuate.
3. your children will remember that you didn’t listen to them and put them in danger. They will spend the holiday stressed, on edge and rightly resentful you have put them through this. They will question if you care about them at all. That’s even if nothing happens.
4. if your children are hurt having made your DH’s family happy will be cold comfort indeed.

Don't go. No explanation needed.

This ^

How do I explain that?

your child is a violent out of control and nasty human being and I don’t wish my children to be anywhere near him until you parent him properly!

just say no - don’t go and put yourself and your kids thru this but be honest as to why.

Has your husband offered to stay with the children and actively watch them 100% of the time during this proposed holiday? Even if he has, given that the children are already afraid, it may be too late for that. I wouldn't lie about the reason, either - it can only be positive for the 9yo's parents to start taking this problem a little bit more seriously before he really hurts someone.

This!

@KidPlantMum I can't believe what I have just read! Your husband would rather put your children in danger to keep his family happy and not rock the boat! He is a spineless wuss who needs to man up and put his own children first not his psychopath nephew. That is one very disturbed and dangerous child.

Your children don't want to go so listen to them because their dad already puts their feelings and safety over his family don't do the same because the message you're sending to them is their feelings don't matter and their safety isn't a priority.

I would have no problem telling the in laws why you and the children aren't going and too bad if they don't like it they should have nipped this disturbing behaviour in the bud a long time ago. I wouldn't be surprised if other children are kept away from nephew.

Also OP can I just highlight something. You said nephew says to your children "come over here so mummy can't see you" this shows that the nephew understands and knows exactly what he is doing.

My heart breaks for your children because their dad would rather sacrifice their feelings and safety to please his family, they must be so scared and upset. Have your children told your husband they don't want to go? And if so what did he say?

I agree.

Nothing to weigh up, it's a firm DO NOT ATTEND. The problem is your husband and what to do about him.