Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Ur DH should be telling them you are not going

You genuinely believe a 9 year old attempted to kill your child, but you need MN to confirm
if you should or shouldn’t take your children on holiday with them?

Your DH would rather let your kids get hurt and be unhappy than tell his family, no I am not prepared to let my kids get hurt and be unhappy.

Think about this.

You are not his priority and he's too chicken shit to protect his own children and prevent from from being hurt/being upset because he's more bothered about not being the bad guy and upsetting his family.

You need to tell him to fuck off and stop being a dick. THAT'S how you handle it.

Don’t go. Protect your kids. Listen to them

I’m surprised this is even a question.

I'd tell the truth and not go. There's a good chance his behaviour is similar outwith the family so his parents need to address it and support him managing it.

......but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

I'd be pointing out to DH that by forcing his kids to be around someone they're afraid of when they have explicitly said they don't want to be, he IS letting down his family.

Putting his Dsis and extended family before his own kids isn't acceptable.

The kids are turning down a holiday, FFS! They wouldn't do that unless they really meant it.

I am not suprised your children don't want to go as that is no family holiday - it would be cruel to subject them to it and to be honest I think you should reassure your DC that its a no.

Your nephew is cruel and have a word with his parents that their child is cruel to your DC and no way will you allow them to go through an attempted drowning yet again.

As his parents are not bothering to discipline this boy, then you do it if you ever see him being nasty to your kids again really yell at him with as much force as you have because the stupid fool has already attempted to cause serious harm to your child, which is the stuff of nightmares, you need to protect them as your relatives are clearly not bothered.

If children as young as yours are passing on the chance to see other family and don’t want to go on this holiday, you have to follow your instincts and listen. Your DH will just have to face up to the need to prioritise his children’s well being over anything else.
it is best out in the open so that MAYBE his parents will seek some help ……

I would be more worried why on earth you need to question putting ypur children in danger

this will be a clean sweep OP. Don't go.

Your kids have been brave to tell you they are scared of him. They’ve trusted you so you can help and protect them. Don’t let them down.

Exactly this
I appreciate it is your DH sister or brothers child but that’s by the by - I wonder if he would change his opinion if it were your side ?

From your post we are not talking minor bickering or enthusiastic play fighting we are talking serious actions

if your DH argues about it ask him why he is not willing to protect and safeguard his own children

A definitive no and he is displaying very dangerous behaviour, so I'd avoid. I'd also be ensuring your children are well versed in avoidance.

No holiday.

But also stop seeing this child. I can’t believe you didn’t come to that conclusion after an attempted drowning.

Id be honest and tell them why you aren’t going, your children’s safety is your priority.

slightly different scenario but we stopped going to family events eg days out, dinners out because some parents in the family don’t know how to parent!

Are you actually insane?
He's tried to drown your children!!!
His parents and presumably your husband and other family don't seem to see this as a big deal
Your kids are telling you to keep them safe. Whoever's family this is you don't go. End of

Firstly OP, hide their passports.

Secondly, you don't need to justify keeping your children safe from someone who tried to murder them. I'm not sure why you need to be told that.

This isnt normal behaviour. Whats wrong with him? Does he have any diagnoses or is he on a waiting list for any assessments for anything?

Is he at school, not been excluded yet?

I wouldn’t go.

So, tell them you aren't joining them this time.

Refuse to be guilt tripped into it. Your husband can go on his own if he must.

This is so awful. I’m so sorry. I would make this a DH issue; how about he says to eg his DM / DF he is worried about the violent behaviour and how can they provide proper support and supervision for all the children?

then you can decide on the basis of their reply. If they dismiss your very real concerns, especially if from your DH, you have a clear conscience. If they support him then you may choose to go.

lots of love x

If you go and something awful happens… protect your kids

Do not go. It's not even booked yet so put your foot down and refuse. Hide passports. And have some sharp words with your DH about his refusal to put the children first. What is wrong with the man?

Bloody hell I've seen some horrifying shit on here but "I'm afraid my husband's family will be offended if we stop exposing our children to his psychopathic nephew" takes the biscuit.

Not a chance I would be attending I’d be putting the safety and the confidence/comfort of my own child above anyone else. A relatives child in my family constantly hurts my child to the point they flinch and are scared of said child so this entire summer holiday we’ve seen them probably once 1 per week but I’ve not left my child’s side.