Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

I’d just be honest and factual. But since it’s your in-laws your husband should be the one to address it. He can say our children don’t want to go as they always get hurt by nephew and do not enjoy it. Brother/sister isn’t doing anything to stop this behaviour so we won’t be coming along this time.

I agree with being factual. Some of the sugar coated suggestions by @Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers and @Forgotmyoriginalusername just won't work.

They need the truth presented in an impersonal and factual manner. They need to have it pointed out that this child tried to drown a smaller child. They need to understand that he has frightened his cousins to the point that they don't want to go on holiday with them. Pussy footing around is a waste of time.

I think in this situation, I would just say something like, "His behavior is unsafe and I cannot put my children at risk." That is not judgmental but also makes the core fact clear. Your main problem is your husband, who is willing to put his extended family's "feels" over the safety of his children. He's putting his head in the sand, a little bit, I think.

Telling people "No we're not going because Malevolence has repeatedly tried to hurt my children and I won't have them put at risk" isn't going nuclear though.

You need to make sure they are absolutely never in his presence again. Never. You do realise he might actually kill one of them, right?

I'd be calling social services too, just in case he's becoming a psychopath because of abuse. But regardless, someone needs to intervene before he hurts or kills another child.

“ Come over here where your mum can’t see us “.
Attempted drowning, like WTF am I actually reading here !.
Your kids are afraid of him & don’t want to go .
That nephew of your husband sounds disturbed ,& I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him myself not to mind my children..
I actually can’t believe your husband is entertaining the thought of holidaying with them .
Listen To your children & tell your husband to do the same .

'Sorry, PILs, our kids don't want to go because they're sick of being bullied by their cousin. We're not going to force them.'

I would go and if he touches them Id kick off and discipline him myself! Make it very clear it’s not ok

Absolutely not. The little rat has already committed a life-risking assault.

Let us know how it goes, op.

I don't think your DH is understanding how dangerous this kid is you're probably going to read about him on the news eventually committing some horrific crime

I don’t think it’s nuclear either but it might be easier to put it in the child’s terms. ‘We won’t be coming, after being hurt many times by x including holding ds’s head under water, they are scared of him and don’t feel safe around him. I would be too if someone bigger had done those things to me.’

So what if he stabs one of them this time? Or succeeds in drowning them or sexually assaulting them since he's trying to slyly pull them away from their mother? Why on earth would you risk your kids ever being anywhere near this little psychopath again?

“It's easy to assume lazy parenting but I wonder if there's more to it, I wonder if they're scared of him, if he melts down in private and gets violent with them, who knows?”

Presumably he goes to school? Or has contact with other children than his cousins? How does he behave towards those children? If he has a tendency to bully and deliberately hurt other children surely his school need to know?

Absolutely agree with this.

@KidPlantMum
Say everything calmly and honestly. If others try to push it or don’t respect your decision then they are equally the problem.
Your nephew’s behaviour is deeply concerning and the response from his parents is appalling. You have a duty of care to your children. Please just don’t go. No party is worth the safety of your children. They need to know that you will advocate for them.

Absolutely go on holiday, those memories and experiences and family time are important.

But do not go on holiday with any of them. It shouldn't even be a question. Think what message it sends your kids if you do?! And how you can consider doing something that is likely to cause pain and even health and safety issues for your kids is unbelievable.

I think you need to get a clear head on the reality of this.

This is a very sad situation. Sad because your kids could e at risk, sad because other children could be at risk and sad because your nephew needs help, which he is not getting while his parents and other relatives have their heads in the sand.

What did you decide to do OP?

Your DH probably feels pressure to conform to expectations of his family.

Now you’ve revealed that the “holiday” isn’t even booked, I would have a talk with him, preferably somewhere neutral and away from the DC.

Remind him of all of the incidents where your “D”N has hurt your DC or put them in danger and how his family have ignored or minimised his behaviour.

These are not people who are interested in keeping your DC safe and your DC know this.

Ask him how he would feel when he was a child if someone was actively trying to harm or hurt him and his pleas to be kept away went unheard and he was encouraged instead ro go on holiday with them.

Your DH probably feels pressure to conform to expectations of his family.

He needs to feel even more pressure to protect his children.

@Absolutelynot2
What you have said is so true
My DIL is a social worker and has said that this was how all the perpetrators on her books started; with family or a person who had no one looking out for them
I wrote this fact when I first posted to @KidPlantMum and I know this should be enough in itself and
I feel she should say this to the parents face to face
And watch their reaction
As she then leaves