Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

I chose 50/50 for many reasons, not least as the best compromise I could imagine, given that separating was a must.
There are myriad financial and organisational reasons behind my decision but most importantly I felt that my kids had as much right to an equal relationship with their father as they did with me.

Nesting is one of those things that looks great on paper but quickly becomes untenable for many people for personal and financial reasons… unless you get on perfectly with the ex (and let’s face it, if you get on so well that you can make nesting work you probably wouldn’t be divorcing!)

People divorce for many reasons and wanting to avoid subjecting children to custody battles is hardly a bad thing.

How many mums would agree to EOW if they were the EOW parent?

I like to think that if I was in a situation where an ex insisted on 50:50 but it was apparent that the kids weren't coping with it that I'd be open to being the EOW parent so that they could have more stability during the school week.