Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

Well I don't agree and I think it's the role of the parents to pre-empt and prevent "factors which can cause disruption." I don't think having a different rule which the child can raise at any time if they are used to something else is anything more than a minor inconvenience- ditto not having the exact same toys.

My partner's youngest child did this after my partner and his ex-wife divorced. Their older two children were already in their late teens and lived with my partner full-time. Now that the youngest is older, he's said that, in hindsight, it wasn't the best arrangement for him. He found the constant moving between houses tiring and felt like he could never properly settle in either home. He was always leaving homework and other things at the wrong house.

He says he would have preferred spending two weeks at his mum's, then two weeks at his dad's...still a 50/50 split, just in longer blocks.

That said, he's grown into a lovely young man and doesn't seem to have been negatively affected by it overall.

But you are minimising, it’s not ‘not having the exact same toys’.

It’s having to live between two locations. Be organised to ensure you have the right items for your relevant activities. Not having the top you want to wear. Realising your jeans are in the laundry at the other house. Realising you left your mascara in the other bathroom.

It’s going home to a different house to the one you woke up in. It’s forgetting you need X book for in two days time which is now at the wrong house.

It’s not being able to see your mates on X night because that’s your other parents night. It’s missing a party because it’s too far from the other parents place. It’s having to negotiate travel home from a late sports game because in your other house you can’t walk back.

And then it could he coming home to find dads new girlfriend is over. The new in-laws like everyone to come over on Sundays so now you have to too. You don’t feel comfortable hanging out in the living room with mums new boyfriend there. You have to be extra polite and well behaved because the new partner expects x or y.

It goes on and on, and touches every area of the child’s life. It isn’t just ‘a minor inconvenience’ to them.

It’s an exhausting way to live.

Usually it’s the need to have a solid base but they don’t feel like they can ask for it without upsetting one parent or the other. These children often carry a lot of guilt about what they do at one house versus the other, or showing any preferences. They can feel like they are walking on eggshells, constantly trying to balance the emotions of their parents.

My DD only did it for about 2 years before leaving home. She said part of the reason for moving out (aged 18/19) was to have a single base and just be able to visit us separately for tea. Her dad made life a bit more stressful so she didn't want to stay at his more days, and she also didn't want to upset him by apparently siding with me.

I would definitely struggle not having a permanent single home.

I feel like we're going round in circles.

They should have plenty of tops and jeans at both houses and mascara. Being at one parent's house shouldn't affect whether you can see friends or not. Picking up from a late sports game is just parenting. All children occasionally have to tolerate boring visits with grandparents.

You've already decided that 50/50 has to be wrong, regardless of the research showing it isn't, and every time I respond to one point, you go back to one I've already responded to, so there's little point in continuing.

It's shitty behaviour by adults that mess kids up. Everyone seems to be managing this situation well, I wouldn't be worrying over much about the home thing so long as they always feel safe and welcome.

No personal experience of this but have friends who have 50/50 arrangements with their exes. It's the norm in my circle.
I think how things were before , when you were parenting together is very relevant. If one parent was doing 95% of all things child related, 50/50 would probably be a difficult adjustment.
Where there has been two very 'present' parents, involved in all the day to day stuff, suddenly shifting to only seeing one of them EOW and one week night for tea would certainly be detrimental. So it depends on the circumstances.

Totally agree with every word. This was my experience and whilst I’m very glad I had a loving and involved father I vowed I would NEVER do this to my kids. I’d rather their father had them full time than make them do 50-50. I’m so relieved to hear someone else say this too.

You don’t get it, because you haven’t been made to live like this.

I know it’s difficult to acknowledge that these choices have negative impacts on the children, but they do. Look at all the responses saying the same as me - children who had to live like this disliking it, moving out as early as possible etc.

Dad may not be happy with this arrangement, you’re right. But the happiness of either parent is not the priority here. The child’s happiness must come first - and in most cases this will be best served by them having one stable home where they sleep most nights, along with regular access to their non-resident parent.

I think that given your eldest is 15 and presumably heading into year 11 (if you’re in England/Wales) then now is the perfect opportunity to sit down with her to see if the logistics are still working.

Frame it around thinking about stability during her exam year as opposed to a permanent decision based on who she wants to spend more time with. So it becomes a practical discussion as opposed to an emotional one.

My friend did this with his kids and his DD made his home her main residence during her A-Levels after spending 10 years doing 1 week on 1 week off. She still spent loads of time at her mum’s who lived a 20 minute walk away, but she slept and studied at her dad’s.

Do you think then that most Mums who dislike 50:50 would put their own feelings aside and let the child live with Dad while having “regular access?” Or would they only feel 50:50 is bad if Dad was the one willing to see less of their children?

Just to add to the 50:50 debate, although this doesn’t help OP now….

What lots of parents splitting up do now is the whole “nesting” thing.

So each parent has 1 week on, 1 week off but it’s the parents that move every week, not the children. The family home is retained, a 2 bed flat is bought/rented and the parents take it in turns to live in the house or the flat each week.

I know quite a few ex couples that do this and it’s the best solution for the children.

But how do you magic up the resources to buy or rent a 2 bed flat if you aren’t selling the family home?

For most people this isn’t financially feasible.

If studies in Scandinavian countries show that this is the best way for split families to do things then I'd be interested to know if they tend to manage it differently to how we tend to in the UK. As people have said many people seem to hate it and to stop doing it once they are teenagers and have a say.

My ex and I do week on week off. My kids are 13, 12 and 10 and will says dads house to me and mums house to their dad, but will say home if they mean where I live if they are talking to me and I can only assume they say home for their dads place as well. I think doing 50/50 is better for the kids rather then just week days/ weekends. They get to spend equal time with each parent.

I have absolutely been thinking about exactly this. She's going into her GCSEs from Sept and I think she needs more stability than before.

I agree it's often not great for the child.

But the issue with anything else is very evident on these threads. I've literally seen only one poster say that she'd prefer her ex to have full time-ish custody than 50-50.

Pretty much everyone else has been assuming the alternative to 50-50 is the child living with them and seeing their dad sometimes. It might be the posters here seeing their child every other weekend and a night in the week, and I can totally understand why that would feel unacceptable. But it's not acceptable to many dads either - so 50-50 is a rubbish compromise.

All the options are difficult for the children because I think most parents are kidding themselves if they think separation won't have a big impact on the kids. Sometimes it's still better than staying, especially if people are miserable and arguing or obviously if there's abuse, but in other circumstances, trying to make the relationship work might be better if st all possible.

Nesting is great for the kids in theory, but if in reality the ex partners are you able to juggle sharing two homes (not at the same time) harmoniously, then maybe they're better off all living together albeit not as a couple.

Well for the couples that I’ve known who have done it, it actually made more financial sense. They couldn’t sell the family home and afford to purchase 2 houses that the kids could comfortably fit in without having to share bedrooms, near to the schools etc.

But they could afford to buy or rent a small flat in a not so great location that one or the other could base themselves in every other week. How nice the flat is or where it is doesn’t really matter as the kids never see it.

She also needs you to teach her to be assertive and stand up for what she wants.

Why do they not? If they’re 50/50 of course they should!

From someone doing 50/50 all this talk of a backpack and ‘living out of a rucksack’ is alien to me. The only thing taken between houses is school bag and the book they’re currently reading. There’s no packing and unpacking involved!

I think a lot of people here have no idea what they’re talking about to be honest and are just spouting off!

We did this for a while with primary school age kids and totally regret it. Ex was shit and didn't have everything at his house so they had to pack everything to go back and forth. Fortunately ex's shitness morphed into me being primary parent and since secondary school age the kids only see their dad when it suits them.

You don’t do 50/50 if you live miles apart. If wouldn’t work full stop. So half of your supposed problems are gone straightaway.

But also, unlike with EOW, when you do 50/50 the child/ teen has what they need at each house. If my daughter buys a mascara for one house and wants it at both we’d buy it for the other and suck it up as that’s what you do. You just need to be loving, empathetic parents and it all works!

edited to add - your third point about partners is just about shitty parenting. It’s got nothing to do with 50/50 particularly.

My kids are 50 50, 1 week rotations. We live walking distance, they do check but they are free to pop into either house whenever they chose. Both are very well adjusted and I recently said to my 19 year old, he can do whatever now and he said he wants to keep the routine as he likes it. So personally speaking, no it's not ideal but I don't think it's had any last effects negatively. We've always been relaxed about possessions and clothes etc, just take whatever and me and my ex husband are very amicable which probably helps.