Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

Show me the adult who would be prepared to live indefinitely between 2 houses in a 2/2/3 pattern.

Ofcourse it's better for kids to have one home. When my parents split up my dad had us 2 week-ends per month which was perfect. My home was with my mum. I feel sorry for children not having a place they can call home but I understand it's difficult when the court orders 50/50- what can you do? In my case I have decided not to divorce until kids are adults. If there would be abuse or something like that I would leave Ofcourse but just because I have fallen out of love doesn't mean that I move out and let my children suffer. My first responsability is towards my children. They are happy living with both their parents and their happiness is the most important thing to me.

This is what I think, it’s rubbish for the kids but I wouldn’t be happy only seeing my dd every other weekend.

Luckiy DDs dad has had zero involvement so I’ve never had to share her.

I would have hated 50/50 if was a child. But my DP’s are still together. If it had to 50/50 I would rather be the non resident one and have them EOW and live with in walking distance of the primary residence.
My DF was a workaholic when I was a child and even as a teenager I would have hated to live 50/50! I don’t think you need 50/50 to have a strong attachment to either parent.

I think if you’re going to do 50:50, 2/2/3 has got to be the worst arrangement. The kids would constantly feel like they are on the move. Week about must be better so that they can at least settle in one place for the week.

Absolutely - whoever devised 2/2/3 certainly wasn’t thinking about the children

In the UK, we have uniforms. I also had shittonnes of text books needed for homework and a musical instrument, music stand, and books of music. And without uniforms, I would have been carrying even more street clothes than I was already carrying. See also: Mum too skint and Dad too tight-fisted to have two of everything, and that included things like coats. And my dad let his mum choose my clothes for his house, and I wasn't massively keen on being dressed out of the Chums catalogue and the old lady part of M&S, so the clothes Mum bought went with me and came back too. I described up-thread how I learnt the hard way what would happen if I dared leave decent clothes there.

My grandaughter has her mums and her dad's.. she always,says are we going home now dad to him meaning home with him or us its a family home.
She says im going to mums for her mums house.

Under that circumstance of poor co-parenting, it would have been better for mum to have the majority of residency. 50/50 doesn't only happen when the parents are decent people, it also happens when one or both is an utter tool towards the other. Pretending that 50/50 isn't adding to the harm done to the kids in some circumstances, by blaming the other aspects of the circumstances, is disingenuous.

If there's abuse, the abuser should not have any custody at all of the children. If he'll hit his wife, he can't be trusted not to hit his children.

"My kid said he likes it."

You literally decide whether he eats. Don't you think that might motivate him to say whatever he thinks you want to hear, regardless of whether it's true?

It's telling that both my sister and I stopped the weekly house move as soon as we were able to.

Hi op I would sit both kids down and explain why you did 50/50 so both parents got to spend time with them but if they want to stay more regular at one house this is also acceptable especially studying etc. op tell them neither of them have to choose between parents they would be choosing their home. They can still stay at other parents house but on a schedule that suits them. The gf and kid might have made the dynamic change so maybe they want you to have some input without upsetting dad. It’s sad that they call it mum or dads house and not theirs that says a lot not disrespecting your parenting it’s normal for separated parents but now they can choose how they live without any judgement.

If you can't put your kids' wellbeing and stability above your own desires, you have no business having kids in the first place.

Jesus wept. These people should be done for child abuse. How is a child meant to settle down to their homework when they are moving house three times per week?

‘i have no experience of this. I know nothing about it. Yet I will assert, with absolute certainty, the answer.’

I’m really sorry your dad was abusive but constantly posting like your experience of 50/50 is the norm isn’t helpful. You had an awful experience because your parents were awful. That would likely be the case if they stayed together, or whatever split you had between them.

This!
Doing this allows the children to remain in their ‘home’ where they belong regardless of which parent is there that week. Routines and even rules may be different with each parent but the children manage this as they are in 1 house- their home.
I know a couple who did this for some years and the children managed well and eve the young one understood dad one week and mum the next. However as single grown adults with a base as a parent once a week then staying back at parents once a week was a struggle but they did it for the kids.

50/50 is an awful arrangement. It’s totally for the adults to share the kids in an equal way like splitting the sale of a house. Kids need somewhere to call home and spend ‘most of their time’.

imagine packing up a weeks worth of belongings EVERY week - I couldn’t do it.

This is a discussion thread! I can have an opinion.

You're also dismissing the lived experience of the many posters, including myself, who suffered from 50/50. The reality is that you don't want to be told that 50/50 is a bad idea.

So explain to me how children benefit from the following?

• Going to a different house each week, and sometimes forgetting which house and catching the wrong bus home.
• Having to walk carrying school uniform, textbooks, exercise books, PE kit, project work, musical instruments, and club uniforms (e.g. Guides, Scouts) from one house to the other each week.
• Not feeling like either house is "home".
• Forgetting to take items, or realising that a needed item is at the other house.
• Not knowing which address to give when filling in forms.
• Getting detentions because cookery class is on Monday and the parent for that week didn't see the ingredients list until late Sunday night when the shops were shut.
• Losing four hours per week to packing and walking, every week.

None of the above had anything to do with abuse. They are inherent consequences of making a child move house every week.

You’re making a lot of assumptions! Not every child has these things. Mine never took the bus, nor did they mistake which home they were at. We had a calendar organiser each and lunch on Sundays to talk about each upcoming week. Not knowing which address on forms?!! Really! Seriously, none of those things have been experienced by my kids. You are jumping to conclusions. Just because it’s your lived experience, it doesn’t make it everyone else’s. MN has a tendency to be reductive.

Do your and your ex's cars really ensure that your children, when asked for their address, know which of two to give? And do they really ensure that your kids feel like they have a home, as opposed to being a guest rotating between two houses?

50/50 literally makes your child "no fixed abode". There's no house that is home. How can there be home when is no place that the child spends most of their time?

Our children have grown up now but they always knew which address to give for which correspondence, because we communicated this from the start with them. If it helps you to understand, I also own a house abroad so - wait for it - even before we divorced, the kids had two homes. It’s hardly rocket science. Rather than “no fixed abode”, more like “many fixed abodes”. 🤣 Open your mind!

The evidence is there. I’m not here to do your emotional labour. Look, don’t look - I don’t especially care either way. But the evidence is there. Others on this thread have alluded to it as well.

Chucking around insults - once again - demonstrates my previous point, you’re not here to discuss this civilly.

Suggesting that I’m like Trump or Farage is one of the silliest things I’ve heard. Because my views don’t align with yours? Come on now 😂

Once again, I’m not saying 50/50 is terrible, or even the worst option after a split. I’m merely pointing out that for many children there are some negative consequences. As many PP have also pointed out too.

I see you’re a parent doing 50/50 which explains your hostility and defensiveness - and your refusal to acknowledge basic facts.

As I said above, if parents split, they have to make the best choices that they can for their children. We know that the best thing for kids is two parents in a loving, stable, relationship, in a safe environment under one roof. Evidence shows this repeatedly. But if you can’t provide this, then you just have to do the next best thing. And the next best thing might look different for different families.

For context - and in an attempt to demonstrate I’m not coming at this from a place of judgement- I split up with my ex when I was pregnant. He then refused to have anything to do with his DC (twins). I’m not on my high horse here. My situation is not perfect, far from it. My DC are happy, healthy, and have grown to be well-adjusted teenagers. But did my parenting choices affect them? Of course. The best option - in an ideal world - was for them to grow up with their parents together but that wasn’t an option. It would have been horrendous for them if me and my ex stayed together. Neither was an amicable co-parenting relationship possible (he raped me after we split). As it happened, he refused all contact. So I did what I thought was best for them with the options that were available.

That’s all any of us can do.

When 50/50 works well it can offer many advantages - but even at its very best, pretending that there aren’t some negatives for children and that it’s an absolutely perfect solution is blatantly not true. Both objectively and subjectively. But if you need to tell yourself that everything is perfect to make peace with your decisions, crack on.

My friend in school lived like this. He knew his parents were no longer romantically involved.

But from what he said, and from what I saw on my many visits to their house it seemed to all work fine. Again just from reflecting on my teenage memory there was probably a LOT I missed between what it was actually like for the parents.

But he liked their set up. For him them not being in a proper relationship wouldn't have really mattered. They both supported and cared for him/ sibling. Lets face it. He probably was not concerned about their happiness!

His parents split properly when they all finished uni/ similar.

Those talking about different rules in different houses and then recommending nesting are missing the point that inconsistencies are not due to being in two separate physical spaces but the fact that there are two parents with different rules and ideas about what is best for the child. The issues talked about here would arise whether or not the child has two homes.
The only way to completely eliminate inconsistencies is to marginalise one parent substantially from the child’s life and make the other parent the sole decision-maker and the one who does all the day to day parenting. The question is whether you think that is appropriate/better for the child in the long run. Yes they might not have two separate bedrooms but they will also grow up with dad not being much more than an acquaintance and not really someone with a parenting role.