Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

Show me the adult who would be prepared to live indefinitely between 2 houses in a 2/2/3 pattern.

Ofcourse it's better for kids to have one home. When my parents split up my dad had us 2 week-ends per month which was perfect. My home was with my mum. I feel sorry for children not having a place they can call home but I understand it's difficult when the court orders 50/50- what can you do? In my case I have decided not to divorce until kids are adults. If there would be abuse or something like that I would leave Ofcourse but just because I have fallen out of love doesn't mean that I move out and let my children suffer. My first responsability is towards my children. They are happy living with both their parents and their happiness is the most important thing to me.

This is what I think, it’s rubbish for the kids but I wouldn’t be happy only seeing my dd every other weekend.

Luckiy DDs dad has had zero involvement so I’ve never had to share her.

I would have hated 50/50 if was a child. But my DP’s are still together. If it had to 50/50 I would rather be the non resident one and have them EOW and live with in walking distance of the primary residence.
My DF was a workaholic when I was a child and even as a teenager I would have hated to live 50/50! I don’t think you need 50/50 to have a strong attachment to either parent.

I think if you’re going to do 50:50, 2/2/3 has got to be the worst arrangement. The kids would constantly feel like they are on the move. Week about must be better so that they can at least settle in one place for the week.

Absolutely - whoever devised 2/2/3 certainly wasn’t thinking about the children

In the UK, we have uniforms. I also had shittonnes of text books needed for homework and a musical instrument, music stand, and books of music. And without uniforms, I would have been carrying even more street clothes than I was already carrying. See also: Mum too skint and Dad too tight-fisted to have two of everything, and that included things like coats. And my dad let his mum choose my clothes for his house, and I wasn't massively keen on being dressed out of the Chums catalogue and the old lady part of M&S, so the clothes Mum bought went with me and came back too. I described up-thread how I learnt the hard way what would happen if I dared leave decent clothes there.

My grandaughter has her mums and her dad's.. she always,says are we going home now dad to him meaning home with him or us its a family home.
She says im going to mums for her mums house.

Under that circumstance of poor co-parenting, it would have been better for mum to have the majority of residency. 50/50 doesn't only happen when the parents are decent people, it also happens when one or both is an utter tool towards the other. Pretending that 50/50 isn't adding to the harm done to the kids in some circumstances, by blaming the other aspects of the circumstances, is disingenuous.

If there's abuse, the abuser should not have any custody at all of the children. If he'll hit his wife, he can't be trusted not to hit his children.

"My kid said he likes it."

You literally decide whether he eats. Don't you think that might motivate him to say whatever he thinks you want to hear, regardless of whether it's true?

It's telling that both my sister and I stopped the weekly house move as soon as we were able to.

Hi op I would sit both kids down and explain why you did 50/50 so both parents got to spend time with them but if they want to stay more regular at one house this is also acceptable especially studying etc. op tell them neither of them have to choose between parents they would be choosing their home. They can still stay at other parents house but on a schedule that suits them. The gf and kid might have made the dynamic change so maybe they want you to have some input without upsetting dad. It’s sad that they call it mum or dads house and not theirs that says a lot not disrespecting your parenting it’s normal for separated parents but now they can choose how they live without any judgement.

If you can't put your kids' wellbeing and stability above your own desires, you have no business having kids in the first place.

Jesus wept. These people should be done for child abuse. How is a child meant to settle down to their homework when they are moving house three times per week?

‘i have no experience of this. I know nothing about it. Yet I will assert, with absolute certainty, the answer.’

I’m really sorry your dad was abusive but constantly posting like your experience of 50/50 is the norm isn’t helpful. You had an awful experience because your parents were awful. That would likely be the case if they stayed together, or whatever split you had between them.