Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

I don't have experience and I'm not a psychologist so sorry if you are not interested but the thing that stood out most to me is that you said they seem normal and happy. I think that's your answer.

Thank you. I mean that does make it seem straight forward, but I've also nothing to compare it with.

Yes, it's crap. Studies prove it's crap and e very other person i know who did it as a child hated it.

I was 50/50 from age 4. If I ever split with my kids father I'd rather he have them than do 50/50- obviously I'd rather have then my self as first choice.

It'd a horrible selfish way to make children live.

Edit to say my parents got on well and are both normal people. The houses were 10 minute walk from each other and equi distance from school and most of my friends. So it should have been ideal on paper but i really think, especially as an older teen it was a nightmare.

It sounds to me like they are just polite.

You’re right in that both houses are their home but they sound very well mannered and that they respect that you and your DP might have plans you don’t want them included in.

I would guess how the parents behave, rather than the setup itself, will dictate psychological outcome.

What would adults or children choose in an ideal world? Would you like to live in different houses every other week? No, most people would choose to live in one. I’m sure children get used to it, and it becomes their ‘normal’, but of course it’s not ideal.

The level of psychological ‘mess’ depends on many complex factors. You describe a very stable, supportive, loving set of relationships, so I’m sure your kids will be fine.

My anecdotal evidence from working in a school for troubled teens is that we hardly ever get a child from a settled two (birth) parent family, and we actually don't get many where one parent is completely absent.

The ones who struggle most seem to come from families where both parents are very involved. Not necessarily 50/50 but splitting their time between parents. What often comes out in counselling can be the split homes, but is more often the way they feel torn or pulled between the two parents. Often afraid that one feels they love them more than the other, or finding choices on where to spend time difficult, for fear of upsetting a parent, finding it difficult to please both parents.

They spend a lot of time "masking" and pretending to parents that they are happy with the arrangements.

That said, we only see the ones where it's all gone wrong. There must be loads of shared arrangements where the DC don't end up with us.

Yes, but can you imagine feeling like that about your home? Having a flat mate who's entertaining perhaps, and being uncomfortable going home in case you're intruding?

We have the week/ week set up and like you it’s all very amicable and we live near each other. I do worry about the things you’ve said, but on the whole our children are really thriving. It’s obviously not the most ideal situation but they’d rather spend time with both of us so this is the way it is. Neither of us have live in partners though and I can see how this complicates it as it might feel like mum and partners house, dad and partners house.

That's similar to us, the houses are close by (the old one, before my ex DP moved, was actually walking distance, now it's a few mins drive or my DS rides his bike easily between the two), but my daughter specifically hates packing and moving all her favourite things once a week, and regularly being a situation where she's not sure where something is. I know that's an organisational issue, but who can claim to be perfectly organised? I help as much as I can (ex DH leaves them to it) but it's driving her mental sometimes.

This really scares me. My kids are super functional - polite and respectful to people, have friends, not difficult to live with, good in school - BUT I do hear those concerns in the ways my DD, especially, talks about things. She is always worried about upsetting the other parent, with things that should be inconsequential.

I can understand that. I have a DP whinI don't live with but we spend weekends together. I would much rather he comes to mine and I have all my things where I want them, than be packing a bag every week.

There was a thread a few months back where lots of posters contributed who had lived this way themselves. Many, most if I recall rightly, had not liked it. You may be able to find it.

It is for parents not children. That it is ‘for children’ is really a pretence.

I would imagine the outcome has a lot to do with how present each parent is during ‘their’ time with the child/children. Other factors may also be whether separated parents go on to have other children to live with them full time, and how that might feel for existing children. My child has a wonderful relationship with her dad and having a 50:50 arrangement allows me to complete full time working hours when she’s not with me. We’d have a rubbish life if I couldn’t work full time and was relying on my ex or the state to make up the the difference

If you’re interested in this topic you should read the research on ‘bird nesting’. it is where kids of divorced parents stay in the home and the parents move in and out 50/50.

kids love it but most parents don’t do it because…moving every week sucks.
if it sucks so much for adults, I don’t know why we expect kids to like it.

They sound well rounded children and I don't believe in staying together for the kids but I don't agree with 50/50. I have mine 11 nights out of 14 and they see their dad for dinner one extra night. I wouldn't want more nights away because I believe they need a base and he trusts my judgment (we're all friends and spend time as a family often).

Your experience from the outside in so to speak is very valuable and interesting, thank you.

Lots of dads fight against this. They want their half share.

Going by friends who lived like that as children, it’s not great and can mess them up. They don’t have somewhere to call home, they’re going back and forwards between two. Even worse if there’s a new partner living in either parents house as it becomes their dad or mum and partners house rather than their own.

@ScrollingLeavesfortunately my ex isn't a wanker. We do what's right for the kids. It also means he can focus more on work, which benefits me and kids through maintenance.

Previous Australian of the Year, Grace Tame, has spoken of never sleeping for more than ten days in the one bed until she left university. She doesn’t think much of the arrangement even though I believe she gets on really well with both parents.

Edited to add - I am a psychologist!

I always find it so weird when parents go on about their children adoring and loving their partner. I never liked any of my parents partners but was well aware that it made my parents happy if I played happy families.

I think we need to accept none of the arrangements are great for children. The problem is neither is living with two waring parents. Making mum the main parent in most cases reinforces societies view of raising children as 'women's work'

I don't know we can do but we need to stop kidding ourselves that parents splitting up has minimal impact on children

My 14 year old DD is 50/50 Monday to Monday

I was just talking to her yesterday about if she feels one place is more home than the other. She says not. I've told her she can choose where she wants to live at any time and no one would be offended

Her dad and I are friends and talk a lot. We have a group chat where the three of us talk together. We also have Life360 together. Its a two min walk between our houses and ex DH and I spend our lives picking things up from the other house. She turns up at the other house if either of us has an argument with her

She likes having two bedrooms from what she has said to me