Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

I’ve never known a child that it works for. It’s for the parents not for the child

This is key. Getting an ex on board who isn’t a knob is massively helpful. It also helps massively if there are no other partners in the picture - at least, not in their homes.

Yes this!

I think parents should put themselves in the child’s shoes. If they wouldn’t like it, as an adult, then why make a child do it?

As someone else said up thread, contact plans are nearly always for the benefit of the adults

I think if this is the attitude, it could never work, in the same way as staying in unhappy marriage for the sake of the children doesn’t work.

Okay, but, that's you.

I can see how this would be much better for children. If it’s good enough for children to have to live house every week then it should be good enough for adults.

Mine loved 2 bedrooms as well! We were careful to choose with care, so if 1 child had the smaller bedroom in one house, they got the larger one in the other. We used to meet for Sunday lunch with ex, where wed go through the arrangements & talk through school stuff. They really enjoyed this.

@Writer034 you’ve done the best you can for your children in the circumstances but ultimately, no it’s not a an ideal situation for a child to grow up in. Not many adults would choose to swap homes every few days/alternate weeks, particularly when others stay in the home full time, there would never be a feeling of being settled or that it was really your home as others are there more. There’d be a lack of certainty with where your belongings are or even simple things like what’s your home address. That’s then compounded by the impact of being concerned about hurting a parents feelings or not wanting to take sides.

In an ideal world separated parents would cohabit in one home with their children peacefully, next best option would be bird nesting where children stay put and and parents swap in and out. This rarely happens and often there are complex reasons why it can’t, financial being a part of it too (I’m not suggesting anyone in an abusive/volatile situation should try this).

Children need relationships with both parents (when safe to maintain) but in an ideal world they wouldn’t be made to suffer the consequences of a relationship breakdown. The reality is that that’s not how the world works and so many young people grow up with parenting differently homes and have to deal with the emotional impact of that. All you can do is maintain a positive co-parenting relationship, two stable home environments and reassure the children as much as possible which it sounds like you’re doing.

Some children cope better than others, some will have no real impact from this type of upbringing, others might. If you’re worried about your daughter perhaps therapy would be a good option for her.

We would have love to have done this - all of us, my ex too - but there weren’t the funds to keep 3 homes going. It is sad, and the kids and I sometimes talk about our lovely old big house, but we end by saying that we created lovely memories there & continue with those now. I actually offered to buy it back up as my funds are good now but they both refused! As they get bigger they both also understand why I divorced their father, so can rationalise the decisions. But yes, if both parties still get on (my ex was a hoarder, partly why we divorced) this would be nice.

IME the best thing for kids whose parents can't live together is to have one full-time home, with free access to the other home. That would normally look like parents living very near to each other and the child spending plenty of time with the non-resident parent, but mostly returning home to sleep. Obviously this requires co-operation and selflessness from the parents, which is why it rarely happens.

My daughter does one week on and off. She hates it. She's 8. She sees home very much with me but is forced to try and believe by him she lives with her dad. He's abusive. When she's with him she's not allowed to speak about me and she cut off from me completely. He doesn't know any of her friends, refuses to take her to parties, takes zero interest in her interests, speaks badly about me to her.. she asked me how old she has to be till she can stop going which was really sad. I think shared care can work if you're amicable and respectful as co parents and the children feel free to go between homes.

Although my parents were together (and toxic) we did have 2 homes. Although not every other week I spent substantial amounts of time in both. It was fine, I learnt to transport my stuff between the two (still do).

My friend is a psychologist and is able to do bird nesting. She does it exactly for the reasons you mention. However , I caution about the impact on her. She and her ex share a 1 bed flat when not at home. Not great to be sleeping in the same environment as your ex. It's tough on them both. They can't really move on as they are literally still living together- all be it not at the same time. She says the worst thing for kids is new 🆕 partners and step siblings. Thinks the blended family thing is a myth and you should not move in with anyone until your kids are 18. She is seeing someone but she says she will never live with him until the kids are grown. Lucky she and he have the resources to live apart.

I spent my dc’s childhood worrying about the impact their absent, consistently uninterested/unsupportive Dad would have on them.

They are both adults now and way more well adjusted, happy, successful etc than I could ever have hoped!
They spent every weekend, every birthday, Christmas etc with me and as this was so different to what their friends experienced who were children of divorced parents I worried endlessly about them.

I can see now that having one parent they were securely attached to was enough. I wish I hadn’t worried so much and do wonder how different they may have been if they had moved back and forth between two houses?

It does sound like they are 'reasonably' ok, happy children which is great.

I was not raised in a 50/50 house but I was raised in a situation where I never felt like I had my own base. That was 'mine' I then felt like I never truly belonged anywhere.

I think you should speak to you children about this. Ask would they like to have a more permanent base at one of the houses.

My DSD11 loves it currently, DH and his ex split when she was 1 and she’s been 50:50 from age 3, great relationships with me and her stepdad, but we are all very conscious this may change as she becomes an older teen.

In my experience of working with teenagers they often feel like they don’t fit in at either home, particularly if the new partner has children or a new child between parent and new partner comes along.
I’ve often wondered, why parents aren’t the ones to move out. So the children stay in the house but the parents have another house (shared between them) and move back and forth depending on who’s day/week it is to have them. At least this way the children still feel like they have a home and the parents are still living separately. it would mean finances and lives are still tied but surely they should be anyway when children are involved?

But I guess a situation like that would take a lot of trust, cooperation and consideration at what is often a difficult time and maybe it would just be too hard.

Isn't that the thing? You keep two homes going, not three. A family home and something smaller for the parent who isn't with the children to stay in. Sounds awful, but not really any different to what children with a 50/50 arrangement have to deal with.

Yes, mother is the caring and loving parent and dad is the piggy bank. Fantastic message to give the children.

I hated it. Was just basically ferried between two houses with no base.

Of course it HUGELY depends on why the marriage is un happy and I would never for 1 minute suggest someone stays in an abusive relationship.

But 'staying together for the kids' can work. My friend grew up knowing his parents were no longer romantically interested in each other, he didn't know if they dated other people. But it is was still a very stable family home from what he said and what I saw when I visited. When he and his siblings finished uni his parents split properly. I know that will only work when there is no huge animosity. Maybe the parents did struggle with it, but he didn't know.

The issue you are describing sounds more like your DC being polite and knowing that you might want privacy when you are there with your partner (let's face it, no teen wants to barge in on her parents having sex).

Mine are now adults and always say they were glad of the arrangement and liked having two houses. Their father was well off with a big house and I think they really liked having so much space there. My house was in their 'home town' so nearer friends but more of a flat/apartment with very little space. So both had benefits.

Honestly, I wanted them to CHOOSE ME a lot of time, but they seemed happy with the arrangement. Now they are older their homes are neither of our houses. I still smart when they describe their own independent flats as 'home' but that's right and proper.

This is a ramble, but my point to you is that I think children adapt, and even thrive, in these circumstances.

A child having to split time between homes is not ideal but in most cases it is a much better situation than living with both parents who do not get on or have issues. Although some people do just grow apart and still get on when they split up, I think the majority split due to cheating or addiction or controlling behaviour etc which would make it impossible to still live together amicably for the sake of the children and would be a worse situation.
I think the main thing is that the parents always put the children first and show a united front (even if otherwise they dont want to talk to each other).

A different situation and my home life wasn't loving which may have been more of a factor but I was sent to boarding school when I was 15 so had '2 bedrooms'. When I went home in the holidays it did feel like I was a visitor. I think because you miss the rhythm of the household when you are not there you don't fully understand all the nuances and conversation of the home. It's like joining a night out with your friends halfway through - you are not quite in on the jokes.

Oh I see why 2 homes. In my case itwe would have needed 3. I couldn’t live in the same house as my ex, even when he wasn’t there.

Sorry OP it's not what you want to hear, but I grew up splitting time between two homes and never really felt like either was home. The first time I felt grounded and secure was in my grotty student flat at 18.

Things were relatively amicable but I hated moving around each week, having to pack and unpack, feeling like I was being moved around at my parents' convenience. I don't have any solutions really, I'm not sure what would have helped.

It hasn't damaged me in the long term, but it has made me strive for a settled stable home environment for my own children above all else. I was prepared not to have children if I couldn't find someone I trusted enough to do it with (I know, nothing is guaranteed, but so far so good).