Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

I think divorce messes things up more than 50/50 and actually I’d think eow is worse because they deserve to have (if possible) a relationship with both their parents. It’s all better than two parents being miserable with their dc in the house

It’s not the 50/50 it’s divorce and having split loyalties and lives that causes children damage. I remember it well, always feeling responsible for the adults feelings, feeling guilty for seeing one or the other, feeling like I had to worry if they were both OK. Couldn’t tell either when I was upset because of it all.

My boys hated alternating and we were 1 week on- 1 week off. Like you we very close to each other. But my eldest chose at 18 to live with me full time, middle child chose to live with dad as he had to share a room with youngest at mine. Plus he said he hated 2 houses as he never had the stuff he wanted to use as they were always left at other house - and youngest got upset that everyone was choosing where to live (incl. me and his dad), except for him.
I would advise having one home for your children. Either one! X

I hasten to add, they still have keys to both houses and pop in whenever they like x

50/50 is parent focused not child focused at all

Some friends of mine tried "nesting" it worked right up until new partners arrived on the scene, at which point it was ditched.

Can you imagine having the ex wife criticise your housekeeping skills or having to deal with mess left by her. 😂Kids don't have to worry about any of that.

Have you ever had to undertake a long journey in a Porsche when you are sharing the to rear seat with another full grown person and a car seat containing a five-year old? No, thought not.
Parents have the right to exercise their own preferences over many things - the colour of the sitting room walls, next year's holiday destination, tomorrow's dinner. However, selecting a car where everyone can be seated comfortably and safely is surely just responsible parenting?

Neither parent would be a. 'guest' - the family home would remain their real home with all their things. They would each just take what they needed to the 'nest' for the time they were spending there. In many homes parents aren't both always present anyway, due to different work patterns. So, as far as the kids are concerned, either mum or dad are there with them, and they.probably don't notice much difference from the usual norms of family life.

You, on the other hand, have decided that it's absolutely fine and simply won't listen to any point of view that disputes this.

All I've seen on this thread are people coming up with easily solvable problems, problems which aren't actually problems, and problems which are caused by piss poor parenting, not 50/50 parenting.

I think it's hilarious you believe that all divorced parents have the wherewithal to provide two complete sets of clothing and possessions for their children while also maintaining two different residences and funding all of the attendant costs. Of course most problems can be solved if you have enough money to throw at them, but I'd hazard a guess that that's a luxury denied to the vast majority of divorced parents.

Well if you can't afford to do 50/50 without your child having to live out of a suitcase then obviously don't do it. You don't need as many clothes or toys as you would for a child living there full time as they obviously aren't going to be worn as often, you just need enough so they have a choice of outfits, school uniform and toys. Most children have so many toys that they could easily cut them in half and barely notice anyway.

Of course divorced parents are going to get defensive about this one, everyone is smugly telling them their children are suffering.

I'm sure we can all agree that living in a stable, loving, two parent household is the best option, but they are not given the choice between that and 50/50, they are given the choice between a relationship that had enough issues they wanted to leave and 50/50. Which I think inquire a different equation!

Fwiw, my parents split when I was a teenager and for a while they did what is now called "nesting" , this was my preferred option personally! But I recognise it wasn't practical for them for multiple reasons. They then had a house each, but fkr various reasons my siblings and I didn't tend to move en masse so mainly what I regret is that I didn't live permanently with them. Obviously I was a teenager and it was my choice at the time, but looking back I'd have preferred to spend my final years of childhood/adolescence with my siblings

Agree with this- also exactly my experience nearly down to the age. I spent my early adult life rushing into a relationship to create my own ‘home’ rather than taking time on my own. Also link accumulation of ‘stuff’ to this as spent so long living out of a bag. I find it really stressful to pack and leave home for holidays.

They were't having to go to school from the house abroad. A holiday cottage isn't comparable to moving house each week.

we communicated this from the start with them

You have a crystal ball that lets you know when your children are going to be given a signup form for an activity at school before the form is given out, and you were able to predict the date of the activity before it is announced and tell your children whether the event will happen during mum's week or dad's week so that they can get the address right?

Would you be so kind as to DM me Saturday's lottery numbers?

OMG the penny just dropped. That's why I compulsively cannot throw things away, cannot put them into "out of sight" storage (like cupboards), and will utterly lose my shit if anyone moves anything, even a reel of thread: I've so often not been able to find something that I need because it's at the wrong house or my meddling grandma binned it that I'm scared to put anything out of my sight.

Thanks mum and dad for that.

And yet 50/50 regardless of parental means is the default assumption in British family courts.

Imagine living out of a suitcase as an undiagnosed autistic girl for five years straight. You are going through puberty. You turn up at your dad's house, your period starts, and he's got no sanpro because he doesn't use it. And this happens over and over again. Likewise he doesn't buy tights for school, because he doesn't wear tights and doesn't understand that they easily ladder. The meddling grandmother took my bra shopping for him because he couldn't even face that, and got me the wrong sized bra.

You end up, out of pure necessity, taking the stuff that mum paid for and is meant, under the agreement, to stay at her house, to your dad's just to have sanpro, tights, and a bra.

My sister was told repeatedly by her teacher that she had the wrong embouchure for trumpet (we are both brass players and had LEA-funded lessons, back when LEA music services existed) and should move to a larger instrument. She refused to move for years, until mum finally got a car, even though her range was a full octave short of what the instrument is capable of, because of having to carry a larger heavier instrument between houses in addition to her school bag, PE kit, and suitcase. She's a euphonium player now, and quite good at it.

Maybe 50/50 can work, if and only if:

• Both parents aren't dicks.
• Both parents are insightful enough to know how to meet their children's material needs.
• Both parents have cars so that children aren't walking carrying all their stuff each week.
• Both parents have money and are willing to spend it.
• Both parents are willing to coordinate on stuff like calendars.

If you are missing any of those factors, it won't work. Most parents will be missing at least one of those factors.

"My kids were fine" is either luck or being in denial that they were not in fact fine. My parents would tell you that my sister and I were fine. We weren't and aren't.

The acid test is: when they got old enough to decide where to live, did they carry on moving house every week, or did they settle into one and just visit the other? If they were really fine with 50/50, they'd choose to continue it.

So you've got all that, and the adults adultifying you as well if you are the eldest by dumping adult-level emotional shit on you when you are ten because they don't have a spouse to dump it on any more, and then on top of all that you are moving house every week.

Reader, I never married, I never had kids, I overpay the mortgage obsessively to the detriment of other things because no fucker is ever telling me I have to walk out of my house to go somewhere else ever again, and no boyfriend or girlfriend is ever moving in with me.

You have gone through every post and made assumptions. It’s not a holiday cottage, it is a second home with another set of family. No, granted they didn’t go to school from there. My point is that they were used to having another set of the same things in a different house before the divorce.

School activities: I said previously, we would have Sunday lunch together with 2 organiser calendars and go through all the upcoming events for that week. So yes, to an extent we did predict the school activities.one child did a sport to a semi-professional level, the other was in West End shows, plus with our jobs we had to be uber organised. I don’t think you are understanding the level of communication that required.

Actually, shock horror, our kids even boarded at school some nights, so the 50-50 cited here doesn’t even appertain to us. Every family is different. This is the point I was making initially. We are all adults discussing this interesting topic. No need for sarcasm.

How often are you at the house abroad though?

I assume not every other week, and certainly not in a 2/2/3 pattern.

It’s not comparable to living between two houses for your day-to-day life.

I was using this in the context of explaining that for some families their kids were already splitting their time between homes before the divorce. We went back every holiday, most half terms and if there were long weekends. With the divorce, I had to drop the frequent returns, obviously, but they choose to go back by themselves to our house there now. I think some families are more adaptable to the challenges of split homes. As someone pointed out, if there is good communication, money for extra things - I made a separate fund just for this out of the house sale - and secure attachments pre divorce, it can work quite well.

Nobody has talked on the thread about the impact on the parent of seeing their children less. There’s v little about seeing your kids 50% of the time. I would have appreciated books on this, like “how to parent your child if they’re between your home & others”. We had a very kind headmistress/friend who advised us on direction some of the time.

It sounds like you have created a very equal situation where both houses are home. Yes there’s down sides (constant packing and upheaval) but the upside is a close relationship with both parents and being heavily involved in both parents lives.

The alternative is a split where one house is home and the other is where they visit for short periods (like eow) on the plus side one home is base so they have the security of belonging and a close relationship with the family. The downside is a less close relationship with the absent parent.

Or never split in the first place, then you have children growing up in a unhealthy family dynamic.

Life’s messy it sounds like you and your ex are doing the best you can. You don’t get a say in what he does but you can manage your end. Make transitions as easy as possible, provide a loving and supportive home and don’t slate their dad.

The alternative is a split where one house is home and the other is where they visit for short periods (like eow) on the plus side one home is base so they have the security of belonging and a close relationship with the family. The downside is a less close relationship with the absent parent.

I suspect a lot of children would opt for this, given the choice.

I'm also not saying that no man has ever wanted 50:50 for the right reasons but I bet there would be a lot less if they still had to pay maintenance. It also concerns me when women feel the need to stay in relationships with abusive men to protect the children from this. Is this something that's significantly different in the Scandinavian countries with the more positive data?