Does 50/50 actually mess kids up?

[Writer034]

I've two DC (13 and 15) and split up with my ex DH 9 years ago, so they don't really remember the time of us living as one family. He always insisted on 50/50 so we used to do 2/2/3 and then a couple of years ago changed to week on week off (to include weekends). My kids are, on the whole, ok and happy, bar normal teenage stuff. The relationship with my ex DH was brilliant for years, although it's been more strained in the last 6 months after he moved in his new GF and her DD into his house (but it's still ok, and we pop into each other's houses to drop kids off or drop stuff off, etc, and are chilled and friendly face to face).

But my kids don't seem to think of either place as their home.

They only ever say 'mum's house' and 'dad's house'. I know that's partly so they can diferentiate them, but I do get a sense that they don't feel they fully belong in either, because it's an even split. It's almost like 'both' for them means 'neither'.

For example, they'll ring me up and say 'is it ok if I pop round' (and do the same with their dad).

It doesn't matter how many times I've said 'this is your home, why are you asking?' They have their own keys of course. My DD (15) wanted to come here the other evening, but was worried about gate crashing on my DP and me. We were both like, what are you doing asking, it's your home?

(My DP adores her and she adores him back, so this is not anything to do with him personally. One year I had a Xmas party and, although both my DP and my ex DH were here, my DD spent most of the night glued to my DP as she really does love him a great deal).

Any psychologists on MN? What is your take and will my children be damaged by this view of, not two homes, but actually none? What do other 50/50 parents think and have you experienced this?

Exactly.

Also to echo another comment, my kids are very close to their dad and would have had real issues only seeing him EOW.

One of my friends done 50/50
as a kid and always says how much she hated it as like you said she never felt like she had a home she says she felt like a visitor in both houses but I don’t know what would be better only seeing 1 parent every/2nd weekend doesn’t seem ideal either, you have clearly done your best and your kids have 2 loving parents which is better than a lot of children have.

Look at the relationships thread and if someone says they’ve met a guy who sees their kids EOW/e. Or on stepparents board. The comments are invariably that this guy is a lazy piece of shit who does no parenting. Always lots of comments that he had better be paying way in excess of CMS.
Then you get threads like this where people opine that 50/50 is essentially the worst thing you can do to a child. And that dads who have 50/50 are doing it purely to avoid paying CMS and are as shit as the ones who have less contact.
Which is it? How can you possibly be a good dad if you’re shit for not seeing your kids enough and also shit for seeing them too much?

@Glowingup this is absolutely spot-on. There isn't a visiting schedule in existence which casts men in a good light.

Having been a child with separated parents, and now a step parent, my personal view is EOW is the best arrangement. The child has one base (generally with Mum) and visits Dad. There's no reason why a child can't have a good relationship with Dad on this basis. And (god forbid anyone thinks about money) this generally means a man can work decent enough hours to pay decent CMS. Which should make everyone happy. Even though it tends not to ....

The problem it that there isn’t a great solution.

The studies that show 50/50 is ok tend to be comparisons where the child doesn’t see one of their parents so aren’t that helpful really.

To judge whether 50/50 is an issue it has to be assessed in isolation. Not whether it’s better or worse than not spending time with both parents.

And there are big issues with 50/50 - as multiple posters on this thread with personal experience of it have pointed out.

If you’re lucky, your parents are wealthy enough so you can have an Xbox at each house, and a full set of your toys/clothes/belongings.

The reality is that not everyone does so you either don’t have your stuff for 50% of the week or you’re constantly packing it up.

But that’s not even the main issue - it’s about being part of the household.

Lets say the child stays at their mum’s house for three days then goes to their dad’s. While they’ve been with their mum, their dad’s household’s life has been continuing. Just everyday stuff - but the child hasn’t been part of it. So now, they have “re-join” the household and insert themselves back into everyday life, catch up with what happened when they were away. And then three days later, it’s back to mum’s but now they need to re-insert themselves into that household and catch up there. And three days later, back to dad’s and catching up again. And on and on and on.

The child is always having to fit back in. It’s like when you come back from holiday or a weekend away and stuff has happened while you’ve been gone. It’s a bit weird and disorienting. That’s what it’s like for children - but repeatedly and permanently. They can never just relax.

No matter how great the parents are, children who have to split their lives like this lack an emotional anchor. Studies show a correlation with “Third Culture” kids where they feel as if they never truly fit in anywhere.

None of it might seem like a big deal but when it’s perpetual it takes a toll. It’s called something like cumulative transition fatigue, or similar.

And all of that is the best case scenario where the child’s bedroom isn’t touched between their visits, rules and routines are synchronised across households etc. The reality is often different, which makes it even harder.

If you have DC and split, all you can do is your best. But PP insisting vehemently that 50/50 is perfectly fine and causes no problems are being remarkably short-sighted.

OP, I think coming up to your DD’s exam period means it’s the ideal time to review arrangements and it might make it possible for your DD to express her preference under the guise of “exam prep”.

Mines is almost 14 and I separated from his dad when he was 18 months old. We’ve done 50/50 week on week off since he started school in 2017. My son is normal and well adjusted, has friends, does fine at school.

I will say he probably prefers being at mine because he’s an only child here, he has younger siblings and needy pets at his dads so enjoys coming here for a “break” as he calls it.

This all sounds convincing until you ask, “Where’s the evidence?”

You’re making sweeping claims like children in shared care “lack an emotional anchor” as though it’s an established fact. It isn’t.

The research doesn’t support that as a conclusion. A child’s emotional security depends far more on things like the quality of their relationship with each parent, parental conflict, consistency, feeling welcome in both homes, and having some say over transitions.

The comparison to “Third Culture Kids” is another example. There are some loose similarities a few psychologists have discussed, but it’s not an established or widely accepted comparison and the evidence is pretty limited.

It’s fine to share opinions or personal experiences, but presenting them as settled science without any evidence just spreads misinformation. Do better.

Do you actually have experience of 50/50 because it sounds like you're imagining quite a bit what it's like and coming to some odd conclusions about how it works on the everyday level?

We have two sets of everything needed in a household, as do all the people I know doing 50/50. Nothing is carried between households.

Maybe it's not representative but me an ExH still have a joint account that we both pay into and order clothes, school dinners, clubs from.

It's bizarre, isn't it? There's so many negative opinions and regurgitated "living out of a backpack" nonsense from people with zero experience of it.

We've been doing 50/50 for 5 years and nothing gets transported between the households. DS is happy, we've given him the option of weekly switches but he wants to keep 2/2/3. We only live 2km apart, less than 10 mins on the bike and his school is in the middle.

I've noticed all the successful stories are downplayed and picked apart, it's very strange to not believe parents that they're kids are, in fact, doing OK.

Just because a couple split up, doesn't mean they can't be grown ups and still work well together as parents. If a child is securely attached to both parents and can maintain a close relationship with both, why would that be more damaging than only seeing a parent EoW or the parents staying together despite not wanting to?

The studies that show 50/50 is fine are those that compare it to a child without established contact with one parent.

What you need to look at is the evidence that considers 50/50 on its own, not as a comparator. There absolutely are studies out there that look at this specifically.

There are undoubtedly benefits for some children, and overall, it’s generally better for children to have contact with both parents - but I said that already. We’re not arguing about that here. Your points about emotional security are irrelevant because that’s not being discussed.

The question is very specifically, does 50/50 shared care cause issues for some children and the answer is an unequivocal yes. That conclusion is reached through some studies (that are available online so feel free to google) as well as anecdotal evidence from adults who experienced it as children. And interestingly, what is being described anecdotally here pretty much matches what was found in the studies.

To reiterate, I’m not suggesting that 50/50 is worse, just that it has some negative effects which may be more or less pronounced, depending on various factors.

I believe - although I’ve not actually checked the robustness of any research - that the children staying in one home and parents rotating is the better option. That would however take quite a significant sacrifice by the parents and wouldn’t be appropriate in all cases.

By the way, I find it incredibly offensive to be told to “do better”. It’s sanctimonious, condescending, and unnecessary, when we are all just trying to have a civil debate about the welfare of children.

I grew up like this. It was terrible. Having to walk from one house to the other carrying everything every Sunday night. Forgetting things. Going home to the wrong house by mistake after school. Feeling like the other house was off-limits even though I had keys. Never knowing which address I should give on forms. And yes, never feeling that either was really home. And that's before you consider the numerous ways in which my dad would make my mum's life hard, such as sending us to her house with wet school uniforms when he knew she didn't have a drier, so I'd spend my Sunday night at the launderette.

Plus being away from your room and things makes you and them vulnerable. I once returned to dad's house to find that his mum had visited and gone through my room and moved stuff around and thrown things out. That incident completely broke my sense of trust in him because he'd let her do that. I still freak out if people move my stuff now.

We have two sets of everything needed in a household, as do all the people I know doing 50/50. Nothing is carried between households.

That might work when your kids don't play musical instruments and aren't expected to carry text books for school.

My mum was too poor and my dad too tightfisted to buy second uniforms and sports kits. Plus, it would have deprived him of the ability to piss my mum (and me, but it was mum he was targetting, I was splash damage) off by sending the uniforms over wet on a Sunday evening.

We moved everything we needed for school, every week, for years.

I grew up like this, so I am speaking from experience

But the issue was then the strained relationship between your parents and not the 50/50 setup? That sounds awful and I understand your negative stance on it in that case. I only know cases where 50/50 is working well and other setups where the divorce has been awful for everyone involved.

I live in Germany so the kids don't wear uniforms but they do have go bring all their books to school and back from year 1 (they have these awful giant backpacks that weigh a tonne). He's just finished year 2, they start here at 6/7 only, and not once has he not had the wrong book.

The poster I quoted said that the adults shared a small flat and they maintained the family home. That was what I was referring to.

I read an article today which said that, as long as both parents are stable presences, ie no issues with addiction, keeping a job, etc, then outcomes two years down the line in terms of happiness are the same for kids of 50/50 split parents.

I don’t know though. I am in the early months of this now and I’m unsure. My daughter wants to try 2 weeks/2 weeks as she doesn’t like the changeover, but I think the downside of not seeing a parent for a fortnight at a time seems worse than a weekly change.

It’s hard though, knowing what’s best for everyone.

Ah the classic, I can go and ‘google if I want’ to get proof of what you’re saying….straight out of the Reform/ Trump/ talking bollocks handbook.

The issue here was poor parenting not 50/50. Study after study shows that conflict between separated parents is the biggest negative influence and it sounds like you unfortunately bore the brunt of that. But, kindly, it bears no resemblance to the type of 50/50 that many, including myself do. I’m friends with their dad, we spend Christmas and birthdays etc together, discuss how we parent and make sure they have everything they need at both houses. There is no conflict or one upmanship.

Well how would that work if there has been domestic abuse of any kind (which accounts for a large proportion of cases)? You think it’s appropriate to effectively push someone to share a house with their ex and leave all their stuff there while in the nest home (including confidential stuff)? I’m sorry but kids having two homes is really not the extreme hardship that it’s made out to be in here. It’s a consequence of divorce. Unless the suggestion actually is that the kids never again live with one parent, have bedtime with them, help with homework and everything else that is involved with a parenting relationship then it is what happens.

Wonder if any of the “poor kids”
types on here would ever entertain letting their child live with the dad 100% and accept that they will never have them overnight (because that would be far too disruptive apparently). My guess is never in a million years.

This. Imagine being on a constant wheel of weekends away, never more than 3 nights in the same bed.

I hear plenty of kids talking about their living arrangements via work & volunteering. They resolutely do not like 50:50, especially when the 2 houses are so different (eg I have kids who can only come to training on dads week, on mums week they do a different club. Stupid point scoring by the parents limits the child’s chance to practice & improve at either!)

Also kids 100% know how to tell you what you want to hear. It sounds like OP has identified that already in her daughter. Maybe time to look into some therapy for her so she has a safe space to be honest.

Why does sleeping in one house automatically mean she can’t see the other parent for 2 weeks?

I assume all the ‘50/50 is for the benefit of the parents not the child’ posters would be happy only seeing their kids 2 days out of every 14. And if not, why not?

From Psychology Today
8 Reasons 50/50 Custody Arrangements May Not Work
The growing data on such pacts reveals drawbacks for children.
Posted July 20, 2023
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-on-automatic/202307/8-reasons-5050-custody-arrangements-may-not-work

In saying that you have just shown that it is about the parents.

It's showing that for many of the mums on here, it is.

It's very clear from most of the posters here (which I'll assume from Mumsnet are mostly mums) , that when they say they'd prefer their child to have 1 main home, they mean it's with them.

Very few have been open to even the theoretical possibility that without 50-50, they may only see their child on alternate weekends etc. Where they have said that would be ok, it's been for older teens.

Fundamentally, as long as you've got parents who feel it's in their child's best interests for their child to be with them half, most or all of the time, and wouldn't accept being a minority parent, they'll be this issue. And mums are often guilty of this even more than dad's.